Lowtax Has Been Hit By a Zamboni!
The dastardly culprit!Sad news today, folks! Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka, our fearless leader, was nearly killed when a zamboni ran him over. Lowtax was polished hard against a sheet of cold, merciless ice. But thankfully he survived! The disastrous incident occurred when Lowtax was visiting Salt Lake City to watch the closing of the Olympics. The mood apparently got to him, as he decided to rush the ice and flash KISS front man Gene Simmons. Unfortunately he jumped right out in front of a monstrous zamboni and suffered massive injuries that will plague him for the rest of his life. The doctors all say that Lowtax will live, but only to endure an endless amount of physical suffering! So hey, that's practically 100% chance of recovery! You can do it big guy! You beat the bus, now beat the zamboni! Hip hip hooray!
From his deathbed, he requested that the show go on and that I have his stereo. His stereo, and his record collection. He's very selfless that way.
BLACK LIVES MATTER!!! NOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER, AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER!
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