Your head is throbbing. You have to wear your winter boots in your kitchen because someone said a giant drunk elephant knocked all the champagne flutes off your counter and broke them on your floor. Someone else managed to puke cookies between the wall and the toilet tank in your bathroom and the smell is never going away. Either the apocalypse happened or it is New Year’s Day. Either way, the smart people are getting their bug-out bags, guns, and heading out to loot the nearest grocery store. There is probably one right down the street.

That’s the good news. The bad news is that if you made a New Year’s resolution, you have probably already broken it. Here are a few that are most commonly broken in the first 12 hours or so after the year has started.

"I won't eat so many carbs."

Don’t breathe so much air! Am I right? Good luck with this one. Bread is life.

"I'm going to stop listening to that eight foot bird."

He’s a taker. All he will do is impose his needs on your life and whine about things like a child. “Where are my roller skates? What happened to the guy who ran the store?” Who cares?! It’s not your problem. You have a family and places to be. But you’ve probably already given in to that whining. 

"Garbage people lead to trash in my life. I am going to take out that trash."

Losing weight in 2016 should be as easy as cutting hurtful people out of your life. Abusive relationships are among the hardest to escape. You try to throw them away, but how can you when they are already living in the trash? Not even fire will clear them out, because they just turtle down into their metal garbage can and come out complaining as always. You’re going to give up on this one in a hurry.

"I can't allow people who refuse to mature to draw me into their world."

This is even pricklier than cutting off the garbage people. You had a lot of fun with these people when you were younger, now they want to keep bringing you back to their world. Maybe you used to watch TV or play the computer with them. Maybe you used to hang out with their weird ass friends who hung around their world. You want to cut them off, but it’s hard to stop trying to relive those positive experiences of simpler times, even when you hear really dark stuff about your old friend’s secret life.

"I am going to stop enabling the addicts in my life."

You have to stop enabling, whether it is binge eating, obsessive-compulsive counting, or someone who has so much unwarranted self-esteem they claim they can solve everyone else’s problems when their own life is falling apart. If you want to help these people, you need to encourage them to seek help rather than taking the path of least resistance and allowing them to continue their destructive behavior. Good luck with that. Most people almost immediately break down when trying to police someone else’s addictions. It’s easier just to give them that plate of cookies or pretend to let them help you with their “super” powers.

"I am going to move."

They told you there were friendly neighbors and everything was A-OK on this street. Turns out it is a roller coaster of addictions, meddling, and drama. There are a lot of kids for your kids to play with, but weirdly none of the kids seem to actually live here and the school system is really weird. You’re not sending your kid to a school with “flying” in the name. But moving means overcoming inertia. Odds are, you’ll still be here to confuse the eight-foot bird with your death.

Trust me. Just get your bag, your guns, your family, and shoot your way out if you have to. It’s the only way you’re getting out of here.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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