Beepmasters

Do you have too many beeps in your house? Are they numerous in number? Do you want to get rid of these not-so-gentle reminders that you are powerless and small in a world full of harsh noises? Of course, we all do. Unfortunately, there has simply been no way to combat this problem. Until NOW.

Don't go through another beep-filled day of misery and shame. Do something about it - call the Beepmasters!

Our team of carefully trained technicians will come to your home or office and remove those beeps. As our saying goes, there's no beep too small! Haha.

Beep Fact: The soundwave produced by a beep doesn't just go to your ears. It also caresses your entire body. A single beep knows the supple topography of your erotic form more intimately than any lover you'll take. That's pretty gross!

How do we resolve your beep problems? Our patented Anti-Beep Generators produce powerful fields (we think X-Rays are involved) which negate all beeps in a three foot radius. Magic! Actually, we're not allowed to say magic anymore. Impressive, then! Once we install five to seven of these cumbersome devices in a room, you will never hear a beep or recover full feeling in your fingertips again.

Let's take a closer look at the fascinating technology that goes into an Anti-Beep Generator.

Here's the shell. This is the part that's relatively safe to look at for short periods of time. It's sleek and stylish, fitting into any room with a twelve foot ceiling.

This is what we got when we stuck our camera inside and snapped a photo. In real life it doesn't look like that, it's just a blinding light accompanied by a paralyzing chill and vomiting.

The best thing about our Anti-Beep Generators is that you don't need to plug them in, so there's no added expense on your utility bills! In order to keep the devices running, you simply open the side latch and pour in three pounds of ground meat every morning.

Beep Fact: There are eight types of beeps. Only one is man-made, when a man makes a "beep" noise with his mouth. The other seven types of beeps are believed to be paranormal in nature.

Let us dispel a rumor that's been spreading like wildfire lately. Yes, we do believe in the ancient Greek gods. However, this will NOT play a significant role in some aspects of our work.

That's not all! The new models of our Anti-Beep Generators are also capable of producing toots. What does this mean? Now you can cancel out all the beeps and replace them with soothing toots. You choose the tone. You choose the tempo. You choose the octave. We choose the volume.

The best thing about having toots in your home is that when a guest asks for a toot, you no longer have to frown, then pat your pockets and shake your head sadly. You'll be able to frown, then pat your pockets and nod sadly!

Toot Fact: Scientifically speaking, toots shouldn't even exist, yet they do.

Don't trust us! Listen to the testimonies (delivered under oath no less!) of a few of our grateful customers:

"They put those machines in my house and all I can hear is toots! Every time I turn around, it's toots!"

"I suppose I can't say that the Beepmasters technician in the photograph was definitely my attacker since it was dark and I had my glasses off, but it certainly looks a lot like him."

"The bill was SO MUCH MORE THAN I EXPECTED."

Before you schedule an appointment, please consider one of our many additional services:

Pet moving - We will pick up your pets and physically remove them from their original positions in your home or office. We will put these pets in a different place. These pets will possibly be rotated as well, so that they are facing in entirely new directions. Look, I don't think you appreciate the extent to which we will move these pets.

Rap criticism - You perform your rap that you wrote, we tell you why we don't like it. There is no rap that we like, or your money back! Extra harsh criticisms saved for rhyming "why" with "my", and for referencing that movie where Sandra Bullock writes love letters through time to Keanu Reeves. VERY harsh criticisms if you spoil that movie because we still haven't seen it and it's in our Netflix queue.

Mirror breaking - Why break every mirror in your house with your own fists? Let us do it for you while you drink lemonade and nod solemnly. Cursing and intense staring into fractured mirror are included at no extra cost.

Life advice - We give you all the best advice for living your life to its fullest. This one's free: If you find that you are tired of the music you have and you want to find a great new artist, load up an adult webcam site and ask for the name of the song that's blaring over the girl's microphone like a drive-thru apocalypse.

Door Closing - You open the front door to let us in, we close it before we can step a foot inside. Keep trying to let us in. We'll just keep closing that door. A premium service for the most sophisticated of customers.

Crying - We will cry on your shoulder. We have much to weep about, so there will be enough tears to satisfy your needs. At no extra cost, we will also wail such hit phrases as "W-w-hy?" and "She's g-g-gone!", usually in nearly unintelligible blubbery tones as boogers drip from our noses.

MLB Scouting Reports - If you are thinking about drafting a young professional baseball prospect to help around your house or take a secretarial position in your office, we can help. Allow our worldwide network of baseball scouting intelligence to work in your favor. With our expertise, the next Baseball Ruth could very well be making copies for you!

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)