Plate... plate... teacup. This is terrible. All of it. I don't want anything in here.
Even if I did feel like buying a porcelain gravy boat shaped like a buttercup - and I don't - what would that transaction look like? The manager's been following me around since the moment I set hoof in here. I wouldn't feel comfortable standing at the counter while that guy rings me up, not even trying to hide his suspicious staring.
Besides, I don't have money. I'm a damn bull. No one will issue me a credit card without state ID. Same reason I can't get a job. And if I did have cash where would I keep my wallet?
Needless to say I don't even have a house to keep said gravy boat in, let alone a dinner table.
Hell, I don't even know why I came in here. If a psychiatrist would let me in their office maybe I could figure out why I keep putting myself in situations like this day after day.
Which way did I come in aga- Cynthia?
Is that you, Cynthia? You look amazing!
Hard to believe it's been ten years. What have you been up to?
A corporate consultant? That's... great. Wow.
Your own house too. No, I'm not familiar with it but it sounds like a nice neighborhood. Good for you!
Married. That's... great.
Me? Oh, you know me. I'm doing well. Lots of irons in lots of fires. Just a matter of time until something comes of it.
No, I understand. I've got to get going too. I was just going to ask the manager if they have a more expensive model of this buttercup gravy boat.
Bye, Cynthia. Take care.
God that was awkward. Got to get out of here before we bump into each other aga- what's this? The top half of a strangely glowing sword protruding from a rock?
Don't know what a replica of Excalibur is doing in a china shop, but it shouldn't be on the ground in the middle of the aisle. I'd hate for someone to trip on it and get hurt. I'll just pick it up by grabbing the sword's hilt with my teeth and pulling...
It came free! That burst of energy, the electric tingle across every fiber of my being... This really is Excalibur. I am the Chosen One!
(A slow cover David Bowie's "Heroes" echoes as we fade to black, then a title card - JUSTICE LEAGUE)
I saw good men turned to mush in the wars against the soggies. Men much better than you, Mr. President. If you are going to take John Brennan's security clearance, take my security clearance too.
Forget beer checkers, beer chess and beer dejarik. Only these games are guaranteed to put you on dialysis by age 30.
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
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