Absolutely EVERYTHING You Need to Know About the Coronavirus!

lol I think this broad's a witchYou might've recently spotted an article or two regarding this new dangerous virus sweeping the globe by storm, except instead of a storm it's sweeping by people sneezing or spitting or throwing turds on each other. This deadly new virus is named the "Coronavirus" or "ED-209" if you want to use its technical name to sound like you know shit about science. In today's update, I, Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka will teach you everything you need to know about this virus, including what it is, where it came from, what its social security number is, and if you can outrun it if you're going uphill but you have those new expensive Nike shoes that are modular or whatever.

1. What is the Coronavirus? A type of fish or something?

No, the Coronavirus is a type of virus. Now you may be wondering, "what is a virus? Also who am I talking to?" A virus is like a computer virus, only it doesn't affect computers, it affects human beings. This is because computers have anti-virus programs, whereas human beings only possess things like tissues or garden hose.

An image of whatever that virus is I'm talking aboutViruses, or "virii" as the spelling doctors call it, are tiny little round things with spikes that float out of people's nostrils when they sneeze or breathe or reminisce fond memories of their grandmother who passed away years ago. A virus can make you sick and cause symptoms such as:

• Coughing
• Not coughing
• Fever
• Inability to understand spoken word poetry
• Irritability, like you'll knock a ceramic pig off a counter or something
• Barfing everywhere even if you don't want to
• Your face looking like the captain of the Event Horizon
• Coughing a whole lot

The deadliest aspect of the Coronavirus is that, due to it being a virus, it can be spread through the air, also through water, mulch, casual thought, and most civilian body armor. If somebody with this virus kisses you, you will then be instantly infected with the virus as well, unless you kiss them back within five seconds and shout "no takebacks." Also if you stick your entire hand up somebody's butt and then accidentally put your hand into your mouth, you'll probably get it. I found that one out the hard way.

2. Where did this fish, I mean virus, come from?

This doctor is old. she is studying oldness and winningIt came from the Land of the Rising Moon, an exotic location known as "China." People in China do things differently than people from America do. For example, they create Coronavirus. Here in America, we just create blockbuster Marvel movies and meth.

Many people have been debating if it could be considered racist to call it "The Chinese Virus." That phrase should be understood as DEFINITELY racist, as the "Chinese Virus" is the virus that turns normal babies into Chinese when they're born. These are two completely different virii.

3. What is this virus made from? Polyester?

I guess atoms or something like that. The US Senate is currently trying to ban atoms. That's what my friend Andy told me, and he's usually correct about these things because he watches C-SPAN while huffing spray paint fumes from a popcorn bag.

4. How do I protect myself from this virus?

This man is puking. I drew in the puke but you get the idea. I think it might be ObamaThere are many, many different ways to stay safe from this wad of poison atoms. Here are a few surefire ways recommended by the NCAA (National Center for Atomic Atoms):

• If somebody offers you $5 to let them cough on you, either say "no way" or at least up the price to $10.
• If you see a person barf, walk over and barf on top of their barf, therefore negating any possible disease germ virii that may be lurking in it. NOTE: if another sick person barfs on top of your barf, then you're really in trouble.
• Call the police if you hear rumors of somebody sneezing, coughing, breathing, or moving.
• Just to be safe, call the police for any reason. Nonstop. Don't tell them your name, it will just add to the mystery.
• If you see an elderly person (anybody older than 20), shoot them in the head and then you can claim self defense because they were trying to give you the virus and old people are worthless anyway.
• Don't listen to any streaming music services! There's this thing call "backmasking" where artists can put subliminal messages into your head, and a lot of the famous "rapper artists" have made "rapper artist songs" that hide messages such as "go get that virus" and "get the virus and go into the club and grind with 'hos' and 'bitches' and lick the doorknobs'."
• Make sure that every time you poop, you call up your Congressional representative and let them know. I'm not actually sure how this would help anybody involved, but it can't hurt, unless it actually does.
• Don't go outside. That's where all the virii and germs fly around.
• Don't go inside. That's also where all the virii and germs fly around.
• Buy a cheap coffin and bury yourself in your backyard until this whole thing blows over. Don't worry about dying, because you'll be surrounded by dirt, and dirt is extremely healthy (it makes plants grow). Do you think you're better than a tree? I got a newsflash for you, buddy: YOU'RE NOT.
• Dead people can't become sick, so consider becoming dead.
• Don't do anything except the things I said you can do, but don't do them either just to be safe. Try to exist in a quantum state between life and death, or at least on an existential plane. Both of these are very tricky to accomplish, so you might just want to go with the suggestion above this one.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)