Doctor Science Professor Explains It All

A hearty "hi-ho" and "oh, hi" to all you eLadies and eMen out there surfing on the Information Superhighway! If you're reading this text, then you've obviously stumbled upon this website, which has recently hired me as a scientific contract writer to, well, contract write up some super science fun which will be both "fresh" and "in your face!" The website's owner, a Mr. Richard Kyanka, recently contacted me while I was wrapping up my book tour in southern Delaware, promoting my recently released scholarly slam-dunk, "And On the Eighth Day, God Created Photosynthesis." You see, I don't like to toot my own horn here, but I've been called "the... best... 'scientific'... and entertainment... expert... show in the disgusting, infamous history of traveling... 'scientific'..." by such notable review boards as The Waukegan Daily Herald and Mrs. Joyce Clayton of Danbury, New Hampshire. Although the name my parents gave me was Edward D. Mostoff, I travel across the east coast with the name "Doctor Science Professor" and perform a series of what I call my patented "intellectu-fun-ual" seminars that help teach the miracles of the universe to man and woman and man and woman's child alike! While I do love putting on the shows for kids, I also publish a tremendously scientific series of books distributed through Flappy Day Publishing Inc., which is run by my close friend Able Jenkins of Yardston, New Jersey. He also runs the best buffalo wings restaurant this side of the Mason-Dixon line, so if you're in the area, stop by "Sloppy Able's Wing Den" off Route-163, right behind the Radio Shack that recently burned down. If you'd like to read any of my previous works, be sure to check out some of my latest exciting offerings to the scientific world:

"How to Disguise Dirt as Delicious Honey and Really Piss Off Bees"(informative novel, published in late 2002. This baby's got a "surprise ending" which will end up shocking even the most jaded scientific experts! Also, if you read it backwards, you'll realize it contains a completely different storyline than if you were to read it the opposite direction!)
"Mother Nature: Stop Trying to Shoot Her With Guns, Because You Probably Won't Kill Her"(pamphlet I wrote and printed out on my PC workstation in January. I tried giving them all out to the local church and cemetery, but they refused to take them, and as a result I've got these blasted things sitting around everywhere. If you'd like a copy, please send me an email and I'll send you a few hundred. They are printed on "biodegradable" paper, which in scientific terms, means that its atoms will fly apart once you've dropped it on the ground)
"Friend or Foe: The Hidden Agenda of Boron" (informative / spy novel, published in late January 2003. I've gotten a ton of praise for this book, particularly the pictures I drew at the end which, among other things, contained a very detailed map of Middle Earth according to what I feel was J.R.R. Tolkein's true view of the world)
"You've Got Snail!" (guide to North American snail hunting video. Well, I mean it was a video that was a guide to North American snail hunting, not a guide to hunting North American snail hunting videos. Wait, I don't think I made that last sentence clear. If you're still confused, please send me an email, and I'll try to also include a copy of "Mother Nature: Stop Trying to Shoot Her With Guns, Because You Probably Won't Kill Her" if you give me your home address and phone number so I can repeatedly call and ask if you got it. Released in March 2003)
"I Ain't Gonna Stop Dancing 'Til the Stork Comes Home" (fun and festive music video where I simultaneously dance and teach children about the wonders of pelicans and what to do if confronted by a pelicans on their way home from after-school activities. As you have probably noticed, the word "Stork" in the title is a typo that I asked them to fix repeatedly but they never got around to doing. The fireproof puppets in this video were provided by a Miss Martha Billingswie of Cedar Point, Rhode Island, and the computer-generated graphical image of Humphrey Bogart's disembodied, flying, phantasmal finger was created by the swell folks at SuperCoolTV in the lovely Grey Falls, New Hampshire area. Released and aired on public access TV station 163 at 3:26 AM on Thursday, May 11 in between "Darkfox's Lair" and the politically charged "USA USA USA USA USA #1!!!!!!" show run by that gentleman with the gimpy leg)

Tyrone Power knew the power of the atom and when to call a spade a spade.

I'm sure you can tell I've been just the regular busybody here, trying to teach my unique blend of science, history, religion, and entertainment while making enough money for my monthly payments on my mobile home. Did you know that Tyrone Power, star of the silver screen and lead actor in such films as "Girls Dormitory" and "Nightmare Alley," was a huge fan of the scientific arts? You can call me a liar all you'd like, but this generous gentleman once started up a fund to teach inner-city minorities about such important health-related things such as the importance of drinking from the correct water fountain, why the best air atoms are located on the back of the city bus, and how staying with people of the same color helps boost your immune system to prevent such deadly diseases as "Hogtied Negro Syndrome" and "Space Mumps!" I some day hope to be the star and make a difference like Tyrone Power did, although I currently lack the stage presence due to my broken hip which I recently injured during a performance of my brand new original play, "Don't Touch Those Amino Acids, Sweet Georgia Brown!"

Now let me tell you lovely folks about this broken hip fiasco. My doctor says I need to go under the needle and get a little sugary surgery service sometime soon, but let me tell you folks, I don't fall for that old dog-and-pony shenanigan of the medical industry! Ol' Doctor Science Professor here knows how to manipulate vitamins and chemicals and atoms to heal himself, and I'll be darned if some quack tries to tell me that I need to pay him good money for a phoney-bologna trip to knockout land! Any injury, from a bruised knee to the classic "horrible car accident which caused a street pole to cave in your entire face" can be cured by what I call a little "UYHD" thinking; Use Your Head, Dummy! Do you know what happens when doctors perform surgery on you? I'll tell you what happens: you wake up and realize the doctors left their watch and marriage ring and car keys inside of your ribcage! If you don't think it can happen to you, let me tell you this: it can happen to you! I was the victim of this age old scam back in 1987 when the so-called good "Doctor" Henry P. Billingston of Forestwood, Alabama tried to break into my house and open up my stomach to retrieve his pinky ring which he must have left inside of me when I fell asleep a few nights ago and then woke up feeling particularly gassy. Don't make the mistake I did - just say "no" to these quacks! You can't write "medical science" without "science," and I know science, so that should prove I'm an expert here.

The lithium atom. Some of those crazy quack docs had me taking plenty of these at one point in time, let me tell you!

Well I seem to be doing just a tad bit of rambling here, so let me guide this train back onto the fast track to my patented brand of "edu-fun-a-cational" entertainment! A Mr. Richard Kyanka hired me to freelance and write a scientific column for his webpage, although he never did tell me what the name of the webpage was and when I asked him, he just mumbled something which I thought sounded like "CNN.com" but it could've possibly been "MSNBC.com." Either way, I'm not a man who would pass up a shiny 50-dollar bill, so I gave him the big thumbs up and agreed to share a little bit of Doctor Science Professor Q&A with you ladies and gentlemen! And before you get the wrong impression, "Q&A" stands for "Question and Answer," not anything bad like those obscene programs which show during the late night cable television disgust-o-thons each night. Mr. Richard Kyanka sent me a few of the more scientific questions that his curious readers asked him for me, and requested I share a few exciting scientific facts and tips with you fellahs! So, without further ado, let's jump right into the Q&A session, shall we?

This first email comes from a very inquisitive reader named "DarthMaul3728132." Let's hope he uses my advice for the powers of "The Force" and not "The Imperial Army," LOL! That's a little "Star Trek" joke for you sci-fi fans like myself out there; say hi to Chewbacca for me!

hey doctor science progressor,

my teacher says i need 2 get at least 6 hours o sleep evry night or else i wont be able 2 do god scool work the next day. i think thats bullshit becuase I play counter-strike from 6:00 until 4:00 AM the next day and i can lern just fine. so whats up with sleep and why do i need to sleep when i get all the sleep i need after i play a few rounds of cs_dust. ps science is for fags roofle 0wned fag!!!!

DarthMaul3728132
member of clan -={(gH0sT-sH3L1)}=-

First off Darth, let me congratulate you on asking such an astute question! Most kids in school don't realize the effect sleep has on the human body, and I'm glad you're interested in improving your schoolwork by seeking answers to such an exciting topic! A lot of "cool" stuff goes on when you tuck yourself into Beddy Bye Time, much more than the average Joe Blowhard "Atom Dummy" Six pack would think! For example, there are five distinct stages of sleep that your body goes through every night:

STAGE 1: A light sleep. This is when you're tossing and turning around in bed, hearing those "creepy" noises that sound like raccoons digging through your trash but in reality could be anything from a deranged homicidal lunatic preparing to murder you, to some space creatures ready to pick you up and transport them to their exciting home planet of wonderful, sweet, beautiful rewarding pain! Your brain waves are irregular at this point, going up and down faster than a fat person on a helicopter traveling through a hailstorm in a tropical paradise!
STAGE 2: Your brain waves start growing here, getting very large and sometimes shorting out nearby electrical equipment! This happens to me all the time, I'll set my gosh-darned alarm to ring me up at 7:30 AM, and blammo, next morning I find myself waking up around noon and wondering why my alarm clock is crushed and I have hundreds of electrical components and plastic dug into the skin on my hand. That's brainwaves for you, my friends!
STAGE 3: A deep sleep. This is when you start dreaming and the magic begins! If you are a good boy and haven't done anything bad like masturbated or peed in the shower, you will have beautiful dreams about mermaids and classic automobiles. If you have been bad and broken some of mom's rules, then you'll dream about being anally violated by a dinosaur! The choice is up to you, my fine-feathered friend!
STAGE 4: I forgot this stage. My notecards say something which I can't really read (the ink is smeared), but I think it says "floaty melty." I'm sorry, but I don't know what that means, so I'm surely not going to stir up that hornet's nest!
STAGE 5: Bonus stage. Grab 100 coins and receive an extra continue.

That alarm clock seems a bit too big, don't you think?

Sleep is very crucial to all our lives because it gives our bodies a chance to "recharge" the "batteries" located in our "stomach" next to the hole where our spinal fluid atoms come in and mix with Encino Acid atoms to form a chemical which many scientists call "Brain Juice Atoms." Simply put, the longer you sleep, the more brain juice that gets pumped into your Cerebral Palsy Nervous System, allowing you to perform such tasks as taking out the garbage, solving complex algebra problems, and secretly watching your mother undress from the crawlspace in the attic. Additionally, you will produce more white blood cells, which are the little suckers in charge of keeping the AIDS virus from dissolving your bones. People with a low white blood cell count often find themselves in the clutches of other mens' arms, contracting this incurable disease and unable to fight it no matter how hard they flail their arms in protest. And although you might not know it, Congress recently passed a law legally prohibiting anybody from becoming a homosexual until they're 21, so make sure to get enough sleep during your early years, junior!

Let's tackle our second and first to be last letter from another young mind, a "Tammy D." from somewhere in my home town, the east coast!

Dear Doctor,

I heard you were a doctor and a professor and knew science, but my mom said she grew up in New Hampshire and everybody knew you back then as "the guy who eats bicycles" and they said you never earned any degree in college. I don't believe them though, because you came to my school once and performed your one man live show, "Wheat: a Bunch of Tan-Colored Atoms Which Are So Darn Tasty!" I yelled at the principal after he kicked you out of the parking lot and threatened to call the police, because he was soooooo lying when he said you were touching Cindy Rodgers' boobs. I saw your hand and it was mostly on her groin, not anywhere near her boob!!! Anyway I was pedaling my bike down the street last weekend after softball practice, and a bug flew into my mouth. My dumb brother says this bug can lay eggs in my instestinse which will then hatch and spawn a colony of insects which have to eat their way out of my body. Is this true? I don't believe it is, because my brother one time told me that all Mexicans were actually bears with all their fur shaved off, and I asked a Mexican that and he said no. So what's going to happen to me? Am I going to die?

thanks, Tammy D.!

Once you get a few of these suckers inside your body, you can pretty much kiss your sweet atoms goodbye!

Many kids your age are confused and spooked by bugs, Tammy! However, you shouldn't worry about them, as they're completely harmless in almost every way unless you're a piece of agriculture or you're sleeping and you fail to tape your mouth and nostrils and ear holes and anal passage shut with duct tape, as I teach in my exciting "smart-u-tainment" show, "A Hole Big Bunch of Bug Business!" I performed this show a few weeks ago outside the Valvoline oil change station in lovely downtown Midrange Falls, New Hampshire, and almost got to the third act before the police requested I move to another location and extinguish the sparklers I was using to represent the production of your body's cartilage. While most insects are digested inside your lung sac, some are able to pass through your digestive system unharmed due to the protective chemical carapace they produce thanks to a strong resistance to the pesticides and deadly toxin atoms our farmers have been spraying them with for decades now. Once they slide down your tracheal monotony, they will land in the food sack which scientists and doctors call the "Medusa Oblongata." Depending on the thickness of their protective shell, they can survive anywhere from one hour to six solid months there, spawning new eggs and creating a colony of larvae whose sole purpose is to dig through your stomach lining and seek the sunlight outside.

While these wee wily wriggly bugs may have an excellent defense against our internal system of acid atoms, they are still susceptible to good ol' American know-how and can-do! We may lack the knowledge to create a series of death atoms that would kill them before the larvaes have a chance to pupate into embryos and then gestate into a full-blown pupil, but it's cases like this that demonstrate how sometimes force is more powerful than any atom in our chemical arsenal! If you hire somebody to punch you in the stomach repeatedly until you're coughing up slugs, soon your insect problem will be gone and you can return to business as normal! However, don't forget to keep duct tape over your mouth, ears, nostrils, and anus at all possible times... unless you want a repeat performance from these pesky punks!

Well, that's all the space I'm contractually obliged to fill here, and I must get back to penning my upcoming off-Broadway musical play, "Doctor Bun-Bun and the Cosmic Catastrophe." Like all my work, this entertaining experience will teach you a little bit about the world around you, a little bit about life, and hopefully a little bit about yourself. It's about Hitler taking over a giant Jesus robot suit and using his powers to try and outlaw atoms, thereby striking a crucial blow to the pro-Jewish science movement. It's an analogy for, well, something that I can't quite remember offhand because I left my notebook back in the holding cell at Primrose Square when the mall police chased me down for breaking into the Spencer's Gifts and trying to put my pro-atom pamphlet, "Mommas, Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up to be (±)-2-(2-Chlorophenyl)-2-(Methylamino) Cyclohexanone." It's about atoms and how they can be used to create anything from tractors to horses! If any of you would like further information or a schedule of my upcoming appearances, be sure to swing by the Parker Valley Station Hickory Farms at 5:30 PM tomorrow. I'll be there with bells on - literally - and performing a song and dance number from "Atomic FUN!" I can't wait to see you there!

Finding Inspiration In The 70's

Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams saying howdy on yet another fine, fine Tuesday. Let's all assume, just for a moment, that everybody in the world was a total moron. Present company excluded, but of course. With so many stupid people out there, companies have to make sure that they are not accountable for someone deciding to make toast and shower at the same time. Therefore, everything must have a warning label. For today's Comedy Goldmine, the goons sort out the perfect labels for all of these tangible items we having lying about.

Makes sense to me!

Come on, see how the rest of the world lives..

– Doctor Science Professor