GET MOTIVATED!

In these troubling times, motivation is at an all-time low. Lucky for you, we have the tips you need to get that rear in gear! Corona Virus? More like, Sharona Bye-Bye-rus!

When you find yourself struggling to lift yourself out of bed in the morning, it can be helpful to bargain with the evil force keeping you there, as it sits atop your chest always just out of sight. Repeating its Latin name aloud, and bartering the lives of a few precious relatives you feel detached enough to depart from can be enough to convince it to part ways. Once you hear it slither out of the room, and your eyes flake open, you'll know it worked. Congratulations, you are free!

Now that you are physically capable of getting out of bed, it's time to charge up that mental capacity to bring yourself to do it. One excellent way to motivate yourself to do so, is to envision your future. Imagine yourself 20 years from now, still laying in bed. What state are you in? In all likelihood, you're a corpse. Rotting in these very sheets, coating the mattress in a putrid concoction of tissue and mold. Small fungal growths have started to develop in your now emptied eye sockets, which were eaten away years ago by the rats in your walls. All because, 20 years ago right here right now, you decided you didn't want to leave the bed. Congratulations! You got out of bed!

Now that you are out of bed, you are likely overwhelmed by the tasks that lie ahead. Assure yourself that it's okay to start small, and work your way up to those larger tasks! In this case, start your day off by accomplishing one small thing, like paying off that loan in full. Come on, look, if you add up all your existing savings and investments, throw in your latest paycheck in its entirety, and sell a few pictures of your feet online, you could easily wipe that slate clean TODAY. What you'll lose in financial security, you'll more than make up for in newfound MOTIVATION. Congratulations! You paid off your loan!

Now that you've accomplished something, it's time to let that act plant the seeds of motivation and let it encourage you throughout your day. Let the knowledge that you no longer have the funds or financial stability to pay rent, buy groceries, or pay any bills this upcoming month sink into the soft soils of your mind, and prep them for motivational growth. As you start your workload throughout the day, you can then pluck the fruits of those thoughts at any time, and boost your motivation in the process! Gosh, not feeling up to sending that email? Pluck that fruit, bite into the newfound thought it has bloomed into, such as "What will I write on my cardboard sign when I'm out on the streets in a month?" and congratulations! You're working!

If you can help it, try not to pluck every thought fruit from the mind soils, for these fruits can grow and mutate into much more powerful motivators for when the going gets tough. Save some for a rainy day, and let the fruit fester! Try to avoid scratching that itch on the back of your head, for it halts the growth. The bulge will increase in size over time, rising like fleshy dough. This is good. When the bulge has reached the size of your fist, minutes will feel like months, and the itch will become unbearable. This is also good. Keep it up!

The bulge is now the same size as your head, and has started growing a distorted, cartoonish face of its own. Good! The time has come. You'll need a scalpel or else just a small household precision-cutting utensil. Feel around the back of your head for the spot that cries out most for a good scratch, and give it a gentle poke. As your head deflates, take a deep breath inward and let your empty sack-face be refilled with the airs of motivation. Let the rapid visions of your many possible deaths flow through you. Live through each possibility. Make tangible their sensation. Your mind has been reopened to the possibility-space. Matter is malleable to you now, like pottery. The world is spinning at your fingertips. Congratulations! Now you can do anything you set your mind to!