We, the car companies, are here for you during this difficult period.

For a limited time you can buy a luxury car with a low down payment and no interest for six months. This is the same promotion we planned to run anyway, but our commercial voiceovers are reading the details in a somber, reassuring tone.

That's how we're here for you. And we're all going to get through this together.


We, the banks, are here for you.

In these uncertain times, we want to reassure you that you can count on our steadfast commitment to you. We're grateful for your patience as we recalibrate our support for you as you're figuring out your own financial situation, and we're particularly grateful for healthcare workers, first responders, and other professionals on the front lines - thank you for your sacrifices.

We are going to drastically decrease the amount of interest you earn on your savings accounts. After all, we all have to make sacrifices.

That's how we're here for you. And we're going to come out of this even stronger than ever.


We, Liberty University, are here for you.

Come back to class now and receive an A in all your remaining history courses, without having to learn any of it! As they say, those who don't learn from history are pumped to get full credit.

That's how we're here for you. And when this is all done, America will once again be the best brainsed country in the world with the most freedoms.


We, the medical insurance companies, are here for you.

Thank you for refusing to enact Medicare For All in spite of the overwhelming evidence that it is the only logical solution to our completely broken health care system. We are making so much money! You are going into so much debt, and dying, and the rest of you are telling yourselves it will never happen to you!

To thank you, we are changing nothing. In fact, we are staying oddly silent as many of you are racking up huge bills on doctors visits and mandatory hospital stays to qualify for Coronavirus tests. That's because we're thinking very hard about how much we are going to jack up your insurance rates.

That's how we're here for you. And together, there's nothing we can't do. Except pay for Medicare For All.


We, the internet service providers, are here for you.

Some of us might relax the data caps that shouldn't have existed in the first place. They literally serve no purpose. There isn't a limited supply of bits. We just made up the idea as a way to create artificial tiers of service and charge more money.

Now we are dropping the illusion for a short time so we can pretend we're doing something for you. Which will improve our image and hopefully trick some of you into giving us your business in the future. Assuming you even have a choice of ISPs.

That's how we're here for you. And isn't heartwarming to know we'll all be stronger, more together, and more meaningless platitudes? And that all those positive feelings are associated with companies?

– Dennis Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.

  • DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    DEAR FURRIES: WE WERE WRONG

    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2020 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful