Dear Jamba Juice Jambonaut,

First off, great job with the Steel-Cut Oatmeal launch. While the product failed, it taught us something: America doesn't give a shit about oatmeal, regardless of the metal it was cut with.

That's a lesson we'll be taking into our "Springapalooza" campaign, where we'll be introducing the public to "Jamba Whirl'ns," our new froyo-esque fruit-adjacent gelatin pods. Here's a list of simple answers to common customer questions:

What's a "Whirl'n?"

  • "Jamba Whirl'ns" are a new line of frozen yogurts that "whirl" frozen yogurt and toppings together! From Awesome Apple Cinnamon to Jazzy Java Chocolate, "Jamba Whirl'ns" are both nutritious and delicious!

The name "Whirl'n" sounds weird.

  • No, it doesn't! It sounds nutritious and delicious!

Can I just order a "frozen yogurt?"

  • No, you must specifically order a "Whirl'n!"

But I don't want to say "Whirl'n."

  • Then you will not receive a "Whirl'n!" You will forgo a treat that is both nutritious and delicious!

You keep saying that, that they're "nutritious and delicious." What's so nutritious about them?

  • A small "Jazzy Java Chocolate" gives you nearly 6% of the Vitamin A you'll need all day!

That's not very nutritious.

  • It's more nutrition than you deserve, you stupid piece of shit!

Hey! I'm just pointing out that they're not as nutritious as you lead people to believe!

  • I'm going to lead people to believe my fist in your face!

That doesn't make sense!

  • They won't be able to make sense of your body either! It'll be covered in blood and "Whirl'n!"

That's it, I don't want your dumb "Whirl'n." You can go to hell.

  • I'll say hi to your mother when I get there! Now get back here and order a large Jazzy Java Chocolate "Whirl'n" before I shove your face in this wheatgrass juicer and sell shots of you for $4.99!

Fine, Jesus!! Here's my money, I'll have a Jazzy Java Chocolate Whirl'n!

  • Thank you.

And you've made your first sale! Congratulations. Although we'd prefer to sell our snacks without threat of physical violence, there's really no other way anyone would try something that looks like rainbow colored shit. So get out there and terrify America.

Lookin' forward to talking to you guys in a few months when our "Summer Wonderland" initiative launches! We're gonna try and sell people hats. Who wouldn't want a hat that says "Jamba Juice" on it? Answer: everyone, so get ready to hurt some people.

– Asterios "President Baby" Kokkinos (@asterios)

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