Jesse Ventura in the XFL, Alex Rodriguez's Insane Contract

eFront Server Problems? You Betcha!

As you've probably guessed, the eFront server woes are continuing. The tech department's solution to the site crashing seems to be "disabling the forums." While this indeed solves the problem of this server crashing, it doesn't really solve the problem of the forums not working. They were going to put up a new server for the forums last night, but apparently decided not to for some reason. As a result, my forums are still not up and I have absolutely no clue when they will be. Everybody at eFront claims they never had technical problems like this before, so I guess my site crashing once every hour more than makes up for that freakish drought in server reliability.

So, in short, nobody can tell me what the problem is, how they're going to solve it, and when it will be solved. Will the forums be up today? Who knows! What about tomorrow? Got me! The day after? Roll some dice, fathead!

Jesse Ventura Given the OK to Be Stupid on National TV

In a political move as stunning and polarized as the recent idiocy in Florida, Jesse "The Governor" Ventura has been granted the right to be a broadcaster for the XFL. This is a relief to many Americans who were afraid that a conflict of interest would arise from announcing XFL games and trying to govern Minneapolis. I can imagine why they'd be worried, as Ventura already has a lot of work on his plate, including:

This would seem to be a full-time job to many people. However, to the rest of us who realize there's more than three hours in a day, being governor isn't really a 24-hour-a-day, 7-days-a-week job. The big problem lies not in the time constraints but in the fact that broadcasting for the XFL would make Ventura appear to be an even bigger galloot than he currently is. Sure Ventura looks like a big, strong, cuddly teddy bear who could easily snap your neck like a matchstick, but he doesn't really have a sparkling clean record of broadcasting in his days as a WWF commentator. Here's a couple examples of some of his more "noteworthy" lines from his WWF / governing career:

I think it's pretty clear that people aren't worried about the XFL broadcasting cutting into Mr. Ventura's gubernatorial duties, as half of those tasks are completed by simply "waking up in the morning." The real problem is how well Jessie "The Announcer" Ventura will perform while watching various professionally-rejected athletes stumble around a field like inebriated pigeons. I can imagine what fearful Minnesotians are thinking the broadcast games will turn out like...

At this point the broadcast would abruptly end because the producer would drunkenly wander into the press room, trip over the power cord, and spill Budweiser all over the broadcast controls.

This Just In: Baseball Is For Rich Jerks

Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any more pathetic, the Rangers have announced they signed free agent Alex Rodriguez for OVER 25 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR. Did you read that correctly? 25 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR. That's literally almost as much as the entire Kansas City Royals baseball team! The revenue-sharing program just isn't working for the league, and before you know it, there's only going to be about four teams left in existence. Small markets such as Minneapolis and Kansas City can't compete with teams like New York and (for some reason) Texas, and as a result, they're just going to keep watching their cash burn and burn as they lose to teams with more money than all of China. In other overpaid baseball news:

For God's sake, this kind of money is ridiculous! Many people hate baseball because the players get paid so much while schoolteachers and carpet salesmen make paltry sums of cash, but I don't give a rat's ass where the cash goes as long as it's not to somebody who earns a living by throwing a ball. I would have no problem if the New York Yankees simply bought a wheelbarrow, hauled out a couple million dollars every game, and proceeded to light it on fire while flipping the middle finger to the cameras and crowd. I would love to see that. I would pay money to see that. However, knowing that such an ungodly amount of cash is going to BASEBALL PLAYERS just makes me sicker than a dog who just found "dinner" in a hospital bedpan. I can't even attend a general admission game anymore because the tickets are over $25. The sheer boredom of baseball gave people reason enough to stop attending games; having to take out a second mortgage just to purchase a single ticket is going to make it even worse. Screw baseball and the cash cow it rode in on.

New SA Guide: "The Guide to Anime"

Something Awful, once again conclusively proving that we're your one-stop source for all entertainment and informational needs (yes, we're assuming you have incurable mental problems), has constructed a handy-dandy guide to producing your own Anime movie. No longer will you have to wait on those Japanese louts to come up with another post-apocalyptic intergalactic warfare film about devil alien robot mutants, for you'll be able to make your very own! Just check out a sample of the infinitely helpful information:

The guide also includes a couple of shocking photographs that will probably shock you, unless of course you're not interested in being shocked. In that case, it won't shock you. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this; read the guide!

ROM Pit Review: City Connection

The ROM Pit, which is updated once every full moon, has added a new review to its ever-growing list of trash: City Connection.

I remember playing this game over at my friend Jerry's house (no, not THAT Jerry) back in grade school. Also, one time we stole some kid's chair and threw it out of a third story window. What an exciting trip down memory lane that was! By the way, here's another link to the review.

eFront to SA: Forget About Your Server Problems, Tell Your Viewers to Buy Our Stuff

Hey kiddies, that's right, it's TIME FOR MORE EFRONT-SPONSORED ITEMS THAT YOU CAN PURCHASE WITH MONEY THAT BELONGS TO YOU! Today I took the liberty of choosing some items which would interest you guys and feminine guys out there, because what the hell does some jackbooted advertising thug know about my audience? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! As a result, here is some crap that I know you're just itching to buy.

If only my forums were up... then I could share more fabulous product ideas with the rest of my viewers! That should get the eFront people cracking on the server.