eFront Server Problems? You Betcha!

As you've probably guessed, the eFront server woes are continuing. The tech department's solution to the site crashing seems to be "disabling the forums." While this indeed solves the problem of this server crashing, it doesn't really solve the problem of the forums not working. They were going to put up a new server for the forums last night, but apparently decided not to for some reason. As a result, my forums are still not up and I have absolutely no clue when they will be. Everybody at eFront claims they never had technical problems like this before, so I guess my site crashing once every hour more than makes up for that freakish drought in server reliability.

So, in short, nobody can tell me what the problem is, how they're going to solve it, and when it will be solved. Will the forums be up today? Who knows! What about tomorrow? Got me! The day after? Roll some dice, fathead!

Jesse Ventura Given the OK to Be Stupid on National TV

In a political move as stunning and polarized as the recent idiocy in Florida, Jesse "The Governor" Ventura has been granted the right to be a broadcaster for the XFL. This is a relief to many Americans who were afraid that a conflict of interest would arise from announcing XFL games and trying to govern Minneapolis. I can imagine why they'd be worried, as Ventura already has a lot of work on his plate, including:

1. Signing papers that have been placed in front of him, requesting his signature,
2. Signing papers that have been placed in front of him, then realizing it's a lunch menu, causing him to scratch out his name,
3. Being bald.

This would seem to be a full-time job to many people. However, to the rest of us who realize there's more than three hours in a day, being governor isn't really a 24-hour-a-day, 7-days-a-week job. The big problem lies not in the time constraints but in the fact that broadcasting for the XFL would make Ventura appear to be an even bigger galloot than he currently is. Sure Ventura looks like a big, strong, cuddly teddy bear who could easily snap your neck like a matchstick, but he doesn't really have a sparkling clean record of broadcasting in his days as a WWF commentator. Here's a couple examples of some of his more "noteworthy" lines from his WWF / governing career:

"I betcha Chico wishes he was back selling tacos in Tijuana right now!" Ventura said as Santana got pummeled during WrestleMania IV's tag-team championship.
Then, a few days later, on the "Late Show With David Letterman," Ventura joked that the roads of St. Paul were confusing because they'd been designed by a bunch of drunken Irishmen.
"I don't want to sound hard-core," Ventura responded, "but why did you become a single parent? Is it government's job to make up for someone's mistakes?"

I think it's pretty clear that people aren't worried about the XFL broadcasting cutting into Mr. Ventura's gubernatorial duties, as half of those tasks are completed by simply "waking up in the morning." The real problem is how well Jessie "The Announcer" Ventura will perform while watching various professionally-rejected athletes stumble around a field like inebriated pigeons. I can imagine what fearful Minnesotians are thinking the broadcast games will turn out like...

PRIMARY ANNOUNCER WHO HAS JUST RECENTLY COMPLETED FOUR MONTHS OF BROADCASTING CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOL: "The Birmingham Bolts, after going 12 downs and gaining only 23 yards, now have to punt on 13th down and 6. Famed punter Verbryn Monslovokia kicks a lofty one, sailing 30 yards to the 196-yard line, which is today's XFL bonus point zone, meaning all fans in row 18-C get a free gallon of premium gas at Ed Parker's Gas N' Go on 140th Street. Duane Parker of the New York / New Jersey Hitmen catches the punt and runs it back for a net gain of 38 pints per millimeter."
JESSIE "THE XFL ANNOUNCER" VENTURA: (Surprised) "Did you see that nigger run?!?"
PRIMARY ANNOUNCER: "Er... yeah. Quarterback Joseph Hurley steps back to pass and throws it incomplete to wide out Jacob Merlings, who wasn't aware the play started and is currently in the stands trying to pick up some lady in general admission."
JESSIE "THE SHRIEKER" VENTURA: "Those Canadians always have their dicks on their mind. They make me sick!" (Gets sick)
PRIMARY ANNOUNCER: "On second down and 45.2, Hurley hands off to runningback Mark Reynolds who takes it up the middle for ten."
JESSIE "THE GOOD OL' BOY" VENTURA: "Yeah, those damn fags love to take 10 up the middle, don't they?"

At this point the broadcast would abruptly end because the producer would drunkenly wander into the press room, trip over the power cord, and spill Budweiser all over the broadcast controls.

This Just In: Baseball Is For Rich Jerks

Just when you thought it couldn't possibly get any more pathetic, the Rangers have announced they signed free agent Alex Rodriguez for OVER 25 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR. Did you read that correctly? 25 MILLION DOLLARS A YEAR. That's literally almost as much as the entire Kansas City Royals baseball team! The revenue-sharing program just isn't working for the league, and before you know it, there's only going to be about four teams left in existence. Small markets such as Minneapolis and Kansas City can't compete with teams like New York and (for some reason) Texas, and as a result, they're just going to keep watching their cash burn and burn as they lose to teams with more money than all of China. In other overpaid baseball news:

Andy Ashby, who has been playing baseball since approximately 1938, has been given a contract for around $8,000,000 a year despite the fact that he has a career record of 84-87 and had an ERA of 4.92 last season.
The Yankees have signed Mike Mussina for 6 years, $88.5 million. This brings New York's payroll to approximately 673 trillion jillion billion dollars.

For God's sake, this kind of money is ridiculous! Many people hate baseball because the players get paid so much while schoolteachers and carpet salesmen make paltry sums of cash, but I don't give a rat's ass where the cash goes as long as it's not to somebody who earns a living by throwing a ball. I would have no problem if the New York Yankees simply bought a wheelbarrow, hauled out a couple million dollars every game, and proceeded to light it on fire while flipping the middle finger to the cameras and crowd. I would love to see that. I would pay money to see that. However, knowing that such an ungodly amount of cash is going to BASEBALL PLAYERS just makes me sicker than a dog who just found "dinner" in a hospital bedpan. I can't even attend a general admission game anymore because the tickets are over $25. The sheer boredom of baseball gave people reason enough to stop attending games; having to take out a second mortgage just to purchase a single ticket is going to make it even worse. Screw baseball and the cash cow it rode in on.

New SA Guide: "The Guide to Anime"

Something Awful, once again conclusively proving that we're your one-stop source for all entertainment and informational needs (yes, we're assuming you have incurable mental problems), has constructed a handy-dandy guide to producing your own Anime movie. No longer will you have to wait on those Japanese louts to come up with another post-apocalyptic intergalactic warfare film about devil alien robot mutants, for you'll be able to make your very own! Just check out a sample of the infinitely helpful information:

As a rule of thumb, all aliens, demons, and robots are evil and enjoy destroying the Earth. Unfortunately for the human race, not even the strongest army can defeat these hideous creatures. Part of the fault in this revolves around the fact that the army's solution always involves firing cannons at the enemies. If that doesn't work, the army moves to phase two, "firing larger cannons." Once they realize that has no effect, the final part of their plan is implemented: "dropping a nuclear warhead on the enemy." By that point either the entire army or human race has been obliterated, so there's no telling what moronic phase comes after that.

The guide also includes a couple of shocking photographs that will probably shock you, unless of course you're not interested in being shocked. In that case, it won't shock you. I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this; read the guide!

ROM Pit Review: City Connection

The ROM Pit, which is updated once every full moon, has added a new review to its ever-growing list of trash: City Connection.

The enemy that "killed" me the most, however, was a goddamned cat. I haven't mentioned the cat yet, but it is by far the most annoying enemy in any game I have ever played. It's some dumbass mutant cat that stands about five feet tall, "waving" a checkered flag around with a big smile on his face. Actually it doesn't wave, it doesn't have any animation at all; he just stands there like a statue. When you hit it you don't exactly die, but the cat changes into its alternate form of "dead and very sad frisbee cat that flies away at a forty-five degree angle and ends your game and makes you want to end your life" and floats away to cat heaven. This causes your Metro to do a little wheelie and stop instantly while the cat flies away very slowly and they play some happy polka music in the background. Instead of getting a bonus, you lose a life when you hit this feline fiend. I have been trying to purge all memories of this monstrosity from my mind but it just won't go away no matter how many liters of bleach I pour into my ear. This cat must be on the police emergency task force in charge of preventing idiots from painting the street or playing awful games. I know after I hit him about 162 times I stopped playing, so he is doing a bang up job.

I remember playing this game over at my friend Jerry's house (no, not THAT Jerry) back in grade school. Also, one time we stole some kid's chair and threw it out of a third story window. What an exciting trip down memory lane that was! By the way, here's another link to the review.

eFront to SA: Forget About Your Server Problems, Tell Your Viewers to Buy Our Stuff

Hey kiddies, that's right, it's TIME FOR MORE EFRONT-SPONSORED ITEMS THAT YOU CAN PURCHASE WITH MONEY THAT BELONGS TO YOU! Today I took the liberty of choosing some items which would interest you guys and feminine guys out there, because what the hell does some jackbooted advertising thug know about my audience? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! As a result, here is some crap that I know you're just itching to buy.

Swiss Army Cigar Knife - Is it the Swiss Army? Is it a cigar? Is it a knife? NO, YOU'RE ALL WRONG! AND VERY STUPID! This is some gadget which allows you to both cut cigars and your fingernails at the same time. It's a great present for you yahoos out there that want to appear classy to your friends at the paint store.

BROTHER: P-Touch Heavy-Duty PT-8000 Electronic Labeler - Ever wanted to put labels all over everything you own so you'll be positively sure you own them? Me neither. But if you have a spare 550 bucks laying around, I guess you can enter the magical world of labeling. Since the product is named "Heavy-duty", I guess that means you can put the labels on fat people too.

Naked Raygun CD - I don't know who this band is or what they sound like, but their album appeared when I did a search for "FAT THROBBING COCK." If you don't believe me, click on the link and see for yourself. I guess I'm supposed to advise you to buy it, but I haven't heard the band before and they're probably something weird like acid folk trancestep goa-country gabbercore.

If only my forums were up... then I could share more fabulous product ideas with the rest of my viewers! That should get the eFront people cracking on the server.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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