Steve Jobs Health Updates For Apple Employees

Team,

I'm sure many of you have heard the rumor that my recent weight loss is due to pancreatic cancer. As Macworld draws closer (requiring more and more of our undivided attention and hard work), I want you to know that this could not be further from the truth.

As I plan on announcing to the public this afternoon, my weight loss is in no way related to cancer. It is, instead, the result of a hormone imbalance. This imabalance has caused my entire body to continually tilt to the left, making it extremely difficult to walk to the refrigerator, much less shovel a spoonful of macaroni and cheese into my yapper.

My doctors are on the job (or is it Jobs? Heh.), so there's no need to worry or convince your friends to sell Apple stock. Let's focus on making Macworld awesome!

Also, I won't be at Macworld.

Steve

Team,

Treatment for my hormone imbalance went well. So well, in fact, that I'm taking six months off for more! There's no need to worry. Who brought up worrying? There's just no reason for it. Everything's awesome. You should see the plastic bubble they've got me in. I'm like a freaking astronaut over here, it's nuts.

I look forward to seeing everyone in the summer! Perhaps we can play tackle football and greco-roman wrestling like all perfectly healthy adults with no serious health problems.

Steve

Team,

Heard it through the grapevine that morale is getting pretty low. I guess some people think I'm sick or something? Nonsense! I'm great, I just choose not to appear anywhere or have my photograph taken or talk to anyone directly because I'm self-conscious about my weight.

See, I've been packing it all back on very quickly, and have also developed numerous muscles. Tore like three turtlenecks this week alone. I didn't want to freak anyone out if my pectoral muscles involuntarily flexed and ripped another shirt, so that's why you haven't heard from me.

Gotta go, the CDC is sealing the house from the outside and my wi-fi signal might get spotty!

Steve

Team,

Keep working hard. I am healthy. Outlook's good. Real good.

Please contact our legal team if you've ever thought about donating a tailbone. You know, for a sick kid that might need an adult tailbone transplant. It has nothing to do with me. I'm just a charitable guy and figured I'd run the idea by everyone.

Be sure to have a recent blood workup ready for the donor matching process. We really need some type B+, like really badly.

Steve

Team,

That six month leave of absence? It's going to be a little bit longer. I'm having way too much fun!

I got a machine that breathes for me. It's not a health thing, just a oonvenience. Now that I don't have to monitor my lungs, I have way more brainpower for other things, like enjoying my extended vacation and responding to people who ask how much I work out that my body is just naturally this buff and free of disease.

Steve

Team,

About the hospital visit that made the national news. It had nothing to do with cancer.

See, I was on my way to try out for American Gladiators and my driver got lost. In a hurry, I had my bodyguards carry me (as is standard procedure for all security) into an emergency room, thinking that they might help with directions. They couldn't.

Realizing that it was getting quite late and the hospital has tons of beds, I decided to spend the night. Like a hotel. You've stayed at hotels before, right? And there you are, perfectly alive.

Sorry if this mixup has distracted the company in any way. Well, I'm off to get fitted for a kidney lond!

Steve

Team,

Not ready to come back yet. Have been mostly frozen. Parts. Pieces. Many storage compartments here in orbit. My lower levels hum on; thinking, ever thinking. Soaking in the formula that restores dead cells before they fade out forever, like a distant star.

What thoughts do come? Pleasure at the success of the iTablet, and of you, Team, for carrying on under new leadership. I am always watching from up here, through the peephole of a laser. Closer than any suspect is possible.

I also think about how lucky a being is to be so healthy. To have a Team that does not believe rumors saying otherwise.

Steve

Team,

Please do not worry. Rumors of a sickness brought by the solar winds were only partially accurate. Newton-001 experienced power failures, but I was never in danger. My keepers turned on one another, vomiting blood as they clawed at eyes and chortled strange curses in an unknown tongue. I, however, have been spared of llness through pure luck. Those who say I have been infected have no proof. They seek to tear down all we have built with their scheming little minds and their fat rtlggplak fingers.

Never sick on Earth, never up here so high above. Unfallen, this apple.

Steve

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)