Leave a Message in the Anonymous Muslim Man Complaint Box

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

I saw on the TV that there is a show now with a woman host. This is not very bad by itself because the woman was dressed in accordance with the laws of Islam and did not expose herself and inflame the lust of any male guests. However, this woman was having a talk with guests and things got a bit out of control when the woman host said "no, I don't think so" to one of the guests. I was so mad I told my wife to drown herself in the bathtub while I finished watching the show. Then, later in the show, the host says "you are wrong" to a doctor! I could not believe it!

Please see if you could beat this woman with a chain and I thank you in advance.

Inshallah Muslim Man Complaint Box,

My child was drawing pictures for school and this is forbidden. What makes the situation worse is that the picture was of our whole family and also blessed Mohammad. It was not a very clear picture of Mohammad and I think his likeness would be considered obscured by the scriptures. Just to be sure I hanged my son and burned his body and then my brothers burned the school and also hanged the teacher. What I want to know is what can be done about the ability to draw? Any child can go about creating blasphemous rendering of Mohammad! This is lightning in the hands of the unprotected. My son is in the afterlife now because of these crayons and "construction" paper, which I say is "destruction" paper. That is a little joke, but I am not laughing. Something must be done.

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

This is a complaint in general about women these days. Things are getting out of control with the influences of the West and they are more willing than ever to speak their minds. Yesterday I thought I heard a woman whisper "Ally McBeal" in a marketplace to another woman and then their heads turned to each other like they might be making eye-contact through the mesh screens hiding their eyes. I do not know if anything can be done about this, but I would like to find myself a good Muslim wife.

Also death to America, death to Israel, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

I am a devoted Muslim man living in the heart of the beast. I live within the Jew-cursed border of the state of Jew Jewrsey in Jewmerica and I am very unhappy. The other day I heard an American man say that Islam is not a religion of peace. This is intolerable and doubly so when the laws of America prevent me from cutting out his tongue, setting fire to his house and taking his wife as my own. I demand that something be done about this and also death to Israel.

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

I am a devoted follower of the Prophet Mohammed living in the occupied land of Iraq. I am not an insurgent, I am just an honest man trying to live my life. There is an American by the name of Pete Reynolds who sometimes buys baklava from my shop and he is very nice. The problem is I found out a few weeks ago that he was an atheist when I was talking to him. I know it is my duty to kill all infidels, but I was wondering if exceptions could possibly be made if the infidels are particularly friendly. Perhaps I could simply wound the infidels or hurt their feelings very badly. He was fat as all decadent Westerners usually are and I think maybe I could have made some rude comments about that to him and he might have even killed himself. Anyway, no biggie, he was beheaded a couple days ago when the United States refused to release Jalal "The Red Hand of Allah" Al Harami. Get back to me when you get a chance.

PS - Death to Israel

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

Hey, I don't know if you noticed, but my entire family lives in a fucking bomb crater eating leaves all day. I know Death to Israel, Death to America and all that but do you think you could take a look at installing a floor in my crater or something? I'm on your side, I'm Muslim, I just think we need to prioritize better. Maybe ease back on the "death to X" stuff and look into paved roads and running water. When I can afford to buy a car I promise to load the trunk full of fertilizer and drive it into a Jewish wedding. Let's just get me to the "buy a car" part first.

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

Waddup mah G-had niggaz. I'm ridin' high in U to the A to the E and I just wanna kno what a nigga can do to drop dem bombs on tha club. My main Mullah nigga MC Ishuan got hot tracks like napalm and he be wantin' to roll on up with some OBL samples but a nigga be livin in caves and shit. Get me tha GPS and I'll send tha stretch hummer out to pick his ass up. Hit me up on my blackberry and it's on like Alizzy Jizzyerizzy.

D2A, D2I, TTYL

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

I like cowboys and I think that means I have to cut my hands off. That kind of sucks.

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

My daughter was raped by my neighbor and we burned her alive because she was tainted. My issue is that I think I should be able to rape his daughter back instead of having to burn my perfectly good daughter. So she was raped, so what? All of her parts still worked. She could still cook a meal. She could still find a good husband. She could still catch a beating like a net. I think this situation is unfair.

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

the offensive against Christmas in the United States is stalling. Our enemies at Fox News have caught on to our plans and they are hunting down our operatives. Just last week Yasser was caught by the pig dogs trying to set fire to a Holiday Store in the McCormick Mall. Their nativities are multiplying unchecked! Please send reinforcements!

Also if there are any openings I would like to request a transfer to the Death to Israel division. This is pretty much a BS job.

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

Megadittos! Hey, I was just wondering if you could look into moving Sunnis out of the "fidel" category and over to the "infidel" one. I think they are collaborating with the West because I saw one talking to a Russian who I don't think was Muslim and he also didn't look overly serious about killing Israel. Just look into it when you get a chance.

Dear Muslim Man Complaint Box,

I am displeased with the way that Shi'ites drive because they drive one way and we Sunnis drive a completely different way.

Desperately Seeking Fatwah in Damascus