Dear Library, Please Forgive the Following Fines

$12.50 // Arrested Development Season 2 (2008)

I just think it’s important that you know I checked this out for a friend who had never seen it. I have no regrets. If anything, this fine is an act of charity and should be waived.

 $50.00 // The Great Gatsby (Filed as Lost in 2003)

While I have your attention, is there any chance at reviewing this one? Yes, I “lost” the novel at some point in high school, but isn’t $50 a bit harsh? Where are you buying your books? I mean, the same edition is selling on Amazon for fifteen cents. Would you consider dropping this one if maybe somehow eight copies appeared on your doorstep by Friday no questions asked?

 $4.10 // Combination of The Catcher in the Rye and Now That’s What I Call Music Vol. 1 (1998)

Remembering middle school is a constant source of shame and anxiety, and this fine triggers me.

 $5.05 // The Calvin and Hobbes Lazy Sunday Book (1990)

I can’t believe you’re still on my case about this. All I ever hear is Calvin this, Hobbes that. It’s been 25 years. Yes, I checked this out and then went on vacation for two weeks. I’m sorry, okay? Is that what you want to hear? Enough with this guilt trip. You can’t keep this over my head forever. I was just a kid, and we’ve both changed so much. I mean, I had a bowl cut, you had VHS. It’s time for us to move on. It’ll be good for both of us. Come on, can’t you let this one slide for old time’s sake?

 $8.95 // The Pelican Brief (1996)

Not trying to say you do a bad job or anything, but this fine is clearly incorrect. Not because I was too young to read legal thrillers but because 1996 saw the release of the Nintendo 64, Pokémon Blue, and Quake. I can safely guarantee my functionally illiteracy for this entire calendar year. I read not a single word outside of the Ocarina of Time Prima Guide.

 $9.15 // RoboCop (2002)

Listen to me on this: Let it be known that I hereby propose the RoboCop Clause, in which all late fees regarding the renting of digital or physical copies of RoboCop be cleared immediately. It’s the right thing to do. For humanity.

 $3.50 // The Shining (1997)

See: The Pelican Brief. If I stumbled into the library at all during this period it was to print off instructions for breeding a FFVII gold Chocobo.

 $7.40 // Various Bukowski Collections (2010)

I ask that these fines be expunged for the same reason that people request that Google delist things they did in the past. Please let me move on from that I’M A COOL ENGLISH MAJOR phase, which is pretty much Puberty 3.0 for nerds. My embarrassment is enough punishment. I beg for mercy. And before you ask, yes, I was listening to a lot of Tom Waits. I’m not exactly proud.

 $5.00 // Coding for Dummies (2013)

Didn’t work.

$.15 // Ghost Busters (2014)

I can’t tell if I’m being punished or if you’re holding me ransom for pocket change. Anarchy won’t break loose if you don’t get a few nickels. Let it go. Jesus, are you going to start sending late fines to collection agencies? Oh. You do. Well, with this new information, I ask if you accept credit.

– Ian "Salmon Season" Golding (@iggolding)