Mac Lethal's Guide to Christmas Jerks

People with no shopping cart etiquette

You are bound to encounter one of the following shopping cart offenders while holiday shopping:

The Threesome: It's just you, your shopping cart... and your other shopping cart. You're officially the asshole who goes Christmas shopping alone, but fills two carts. You waddle like a retarded duck with a smaller retarded duck jammed into his little duck colon. Pushing one cart, pulling the other cart. This entire time you've been in my way, and all I am doing is getting toothpaste, socks, a Pantera CD for my grandmother, and some batteries. Lindbergh baby yourself, child. If you can't fit it all into one single cart at a time, bring one of your failure friends to help out.

The Alpha Male: Yeah, we know. You drive a Silver F-350. You took your team to state back in high school. Your son Brady is the toughest kid at his school. Cool, man. You are aware that defensive driving only applies to operating motor vehicles, right? You don't actually need to swerve around me with a disgusted look on your face, or look for signs of timidness when I approach the cashier line with my cart. Cutting someone off and saying "Semper Fi, motherfucker" under your breath, should not even happen on the highway, let alone on Christmas Eve at Kohl's.

The Shopping Cart Abandoner: When the Nazis pushed the Jewish folk off the trains and into The Auschwitz Death Camp, they did not allow time for browsing and chewing retail fat, deciding what to get Marcy and the twins for Hanukkah. Now look, nothing was funny about the Holocaust. Just like nothing is funny about X-mas shopping. Everyone involved is suffering. When an innocent Jewish person would fall onto the ground, unable to walk because of weakness, the Nazis went apeshit, severely beating him for blocking the flow of human traffic. Why do you assume that abandoning your shopping cart in the middle of the thermal socks aisle, and walking 30 feet away to discuss how many pairs of North Face socks you can fit into your children's stockings, is any different? Your cart is blocking innocent, suffering, humans from being able to get to where they need to go.

Newly Engaged Couples that are dressed in matching sweaters with turtlenecks underneath them, who wear Santa hats out in public, and will end up raising children that are pussies.

The Holiday season always seems to bring you closer to long-lost friends and old pals. Most of the time you'll randomly see them while getting a martini at a bar, or out at a favorite restaurant. This is fine and dandy and all, but you absolutely must have a well-rehearsed excuse pertaining to your "grandmother who is sick with liver cancer" ready to go in case you need a reason to bolt. In fact, I suggest you order a vial of liver cancer from the back of the newest Wolverine comic book and give it to your grandmother. Just so you don't feel dishonest. Either way, she is going to be your saving grace if you bump into Anita and Chet (a.k.a. the newly engaged couple.)

See, Chet proposed to Anita on Thanksgiving in front of the entire family. He made a formal announcement. Kinda like they do in India, or in movies about billionaires. But Anita is BUZZING about this, and thus she has no interest in your Christmas shopping war stories or winter plans. She wants to talk about the wedding. And she wants to talk to Chet about the wedding, with you watching.

They finish each others sentences. They splooge out diatribes about the wedding plans. Of course she picked his sweater out for him (the one with the checkered reindeer and geometric snowflakes on it). Hell, she even nurses his cold sores for him.

Four types of Christmas spirits, and four things they might say during Christmas dinner

The Soccer-Mom Christmas Spirit:

• "I'm glad you noticed my new hair color. I actually had it done to commemorate Jesus. I gave my hairdresser that one famous painting of him for coloring ideas."
• "I had to wait in line behind a Mexican family while Christmas shopping at JCPenney. If I knew how to speak Mexican, I would have told them to hurry up."
• "My 17-year-old son Tyler read the newest Harry Potter book, and he said it was a little scarier than the others."
• "My sons Braden, Brody and Byron are all varsity soccer players. I don't want them on the same team as any faggy queer kids who will slow the team down."
  

The Obsessed-with-Denzel-Washington-Movies Christmas Spirit:

• "I hope I get American Gangster on DVD for Christmas. I love Denzel Washington."
• "I hope I get John Q on DVD for Christmas. I love Denzel Washington."
• "Will Smith is just a wannabe Denzel Washington."
• "I hope I get Dances With Wolves on DVD for Christmas. I love Denzel Washington, and though he wasn't in that particular movie, the strong, fierce buffalo remind me of him. "
  

The Cousin with the Low-Brow Controversial Pop-culture Zings Christmas Spirit:

• "My wife said, 'I love egg nog,' and I told her 'I got your egg nog right here, baby!'"
• "I wish Brittany Murphy's titties could've been preserved and delivered to me with a bow wrapped around 'em. Mmm! Merry Christmas!"
• "I wonder which girl Tiger Woods is with tonight. Strip clubs ain't open on Christmas!"
• "I bet Barack Obama is enjoying his Christmas dinner, we paid good tax dollars for it!"
  

The Hipster Christmas Spirit:

• "This is a Steve Zissou hat. Not a Santa hat."
• "Rad."
• "Can we sing Peter Bjorn and John when we go Christmas caroling, mom?"
• "Here is some pocket change. Merry Christmas."
  

Send your good tidings and month-late Ol' Dirty Bastard's Birthday tribute e-cards to Mac Lethal's MySpace page. Also, thanks to Shmorky for the illustrations!

– Mac Lethal