Once upon a time, there was a magical vampire named "Blade" who had magical powers above and beyond just being a vampire. Blade was born from a woman who was a vampire so he was a vampire but also alive and he was called "Daywalker" because he could be out in the daytime. By taking some special drugs like garlic and some other stuff Blade was able to not want blood and live on things like hamburgers and pizza. Because his mother was turned into a vampire Blade fought vampire crime and was always struggling to bring about the downfall of the vampire tribes. Blade was also a black.
One night the normal vampires were having a party at a meat packing plant with a hot DJ. There were all the cool vampire people there like Traci Lords, that fat cowboy, and a bunch of goth-looking vampires. There were human people there too only the humans thought they were just there to have fun but they were really there to be tasty treats. Just as the party was getting really awesome the fire alarm went off and the sprinklers started spraying blood, which the vampires liked but it made the people scared because it was unusual.
The Vampires were about to start eating people and then suddenly Blade appeared. Blade was not invited to the party so the vampires got very mad and there was a big fracas. Blade kicked a lot of vampire people and had ninja stars and guns and a sword. They were all silver, even the bullets, because silver hurts vampires really bad. When Blade would shoot them or chop them in half they turned into a burning skeleton and usually Blade would kick that too so he would not get fire on him.
After Blade killed all the Vampires the fat cowboy vampire attacked him and he was tougher than even Traci Lords. He was not just tough he was funny. The fat cowboy vampire was a silly vampire. Blade still beat him up but did not turn him into a burning skeleton. Instead Blade stuck him to a wall and then set him on fire which man, ouch, it looked like it hurt. Then Blade left and the police came. They found the burned up fat cowboy and thought he was dead so they put him in a sack and sent him to the hospital. If only the police knew about vampires but hey Blade was busy and did not have time to tell them.
At the hospital the fat cowboy was not dead and he woke up and killed some doctors. Then he started running around the hospital and causing real problems for the staff. Blade arrived just in time but the fat cowboy grabbed a pretty lady when he saw Blade and caused a hostage situation. Then he started escaping and the police showed up and some of them shot Blade! Blade just got mad and does not kill the police because they aren't vampires and maybe he also realized his mistake in not leaving a note or something with the burned up fat cowboy so the police wouldn't bring him to the hospital. Blade chased after the fat cowboy.
Somehow Blade got the pretty lady back from the fat cowboy but I think she was bitten. Then they went to Blade's secret headquarters which was like a warehouse with a cool car and machinery and a lot of computers. At the home base the woman, who was a bloodologist named Dr. Karen Jenson, got to meet Blade's good buddy who was named Whistler. Whistler's whole family got killed in front of him by vampires so he decided to join forces with Blade to fight vampire crime. Whistler was just a dude though so he mostly invented cool things like UV lights and bullets and whips for Blade to kill vampires with. Whistler was really crabby and he wore a leg brace, which may be why he was crabby but I bet it was because his family got killed.
Blade and Dr. Karen Jenson had a tender moment where they put some sort of cure into her so that she would not turn into a vampire. When Blade was being tender he did not wear his sunglasses because those were the wall he put up between himself and the world around him. Without them on he was vulnerable and then he shot up his chemicals and went "Grrrrrrrrrrrr." Then when Blade and Whistler said that Blade's drugs weren't working good anymore Dr. Karen Jenson said she could come up with a cure or something. Then she gave them a drug they could put in bullets to make the vampires blow up.
Blade knew that something was up and the man behind the trouble was a vampire named Deacon Frost. He was a young upstart vampire who was a rebel and was shaking up the vampire society. Deacon Frost wanted to become even more powerful and immortal than a regular vampire. He met Blade in the park one day and was wearing a lot of sunscreen so that he would not catch on fire. Blade wanted to kill him but Deacon Frost grabbed some kid and then also dodged the bullets that Blade shot at him. Then Deacon Frost got away but Blade was not going to give up so easily.
Blade and Dr. Karen Jenson went out to look for clues. They went to a bar that was a vampire hangout. The vampires recognized Blade but most of them were so afraid that they did not do anything. Blade found the secret door into some sort of vampire hideout and he and Dr. Karen Jenson went inside.
Inside the hideout there were a lot of computers that were decoding some ancient vampire prophecy. In the middle of the computers there was a super fat naked vampire on a bed that was really gross. Blade told it to talk but it would not talk.
Doctor Karen Jenson did not like the look of the super fat vampire so she shot light beams at it with the UV flashlight Whistler gave her. The vampire told Blade that Deacon Frost was trying to unlock the codes in the sacred vampire prophecy and that he was going to become a god. Doctor Karen Jenson did not like the sound of that so she shot some more UV beams at the super fat vampire and then they left.
Later Whistler was by himself in the headquarters when a whole bunch of vampires attacked. Whistler killed a couple of them by there were just too many vampires for a regular dude to handle. Maybe if Blade were there he could have killed them, but Blade wasn't there and Whistler was no match for that many vamires. They beat Whistler up really bad and then bit him to turn him into a vampire. Then they tied him to a chair. Blade eventually came home and found Whistler all tied up and it was a very sad moment. Blade gave Whistler a gun and Whistler shot himself because he was going to turn into an evil vampire.
Blade and Doctor Karen Jenson figured out where Deacon Frost was going to get his super powers and it was some crazy vampire temple. They went to the vampire temple but this turned out to be what Deacon Frost wanted and he had Blade tied up and then stabbed him so Blade's blood could awaken the magical circle. It seemed like Blade was going to die but then Doctor Karen Jenson let Blade drink her blood and he woke up. Then he started fighting and there were a lot of vampires to fight. Doctor Karen Jenson even killed a couple! There were so many but Blade killed them all including the fat cowboy vampire.
Despite Blade's best efforts he was too slow killing all of the vampires and Deacon Frost became a god vampire. He looked pretty much the same but a little more evil and he was really fast. Blade and Deacon Frost started fighting with swords and it was really cool. It seemed like Deacon Frost was going to win because after all he had become a vampire god.
Then Blade cut Deacon Frost in half because he had incredible sword skills. But instead of turning into a burning skeleton Deacon Frost's blood was like a rubber band and pulled the two halves of his body back together. It was pretty cool but also pretty scary because how could Blade kill him?!
Doctor Karen Jenson gave Blade some of the drugs that made vampires blow up and Blade managed to put a whole bunch into Deacon Frost while they were fighting. It seemed like it might not work but then Deacon Frost got really swollen and then Blade killed him and Deacon Frost was dead.
That was pretty much the ending of the story except there was another part in Moscow at the very end where Blade is going to kill some vampires. It was good because it is important that we always have people to fight against the vampire criminals.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Play your entire PS1 library from a single SD card. But not your Brady Strategy Guides.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.