Nioxin Will Make Your Living Hair Dead

Like a lot of people my age, I suffer from thinning hair. It's a condition I'm really insecure about and that causes me a lot of anxiety about going out in public. Fortunately, I just heard about this new miracle product called Nioxin. According to its advertisements, Nioxin rejuvenates the scalp and delivers thicker, fuller-looking hair. I just bought a barrel of it off a Russian website (the only place that sells it in bulk). It was listed as "Trioxin" for some reason, but I assume that just means it's three times as strong. I feel hairier already!

Day 1

The barrel arrived today. Have to say I'm a little confused about how to apply it to my scalp. There was a nozzle on the top so I just turned it and held my head under the outflow of gas. It really stunk up the room and I might've passed out for a few minutes. So far no change in my hair other than that it smells like industrial waste. I looked on the barrel for instructions but all I found were some biohazard warnings and an 800 number to call in case of emergency. Does customer dissatisfaction count as an emergency? At any rate, I'm pretty disappointed so far.

Day 2

I tried another treatment today, this time after shampooing my hair like the Nioxin website suggests. Still no noticeable effect, but at least I didn't get nauseous this time - the smell kind of grows on you after awhile. But on the downside I'm noticing some weird side effects, like pale skin and achy joints. To be fair it might just be a slight cold from the walk in the cemetery I took last night (for the last couple days I've felt oddly compelled to walk around graveyards). I'll give this a few more days, and if I don't see results by then I'm demanding a refund.

Day 3

After three treatments I think my hair is actually getting worse. Last night I was strolling through a cemetery when a gravedigger saw me and made a horrified look. I know balding hair is unattractive but it was still a really impolite thing to do! We ended up getting in an argument about it, during which he tried to hit me with the shovel and I bit him. I felt slightly better afterwards; probably just getting the chance to vent my rage at the makers of this product. I wish I could bite them too.

Day 4

So I sent a nasty email to support@nioxin.com. The person replying had the audacity to say that I was using a different chemical, and that Nioxin and Trioxin are in no way related. Um, hello? They both end in "oxin" and both come in cylindrical containers. And both are going to be taken off the market once I contact my attorney. My scalp, needless to say, looks horrible now, to the point where people on the street run away screaming from me. A group of children even started pelting me with rocks this afternoon. I'd report them to the police, but they're busy investigating this recent epidemic of graveyard murders in my town.

Day 5

I tried calling my lawyer today about a possible lawsuit against Nioxin, but the connection must've been bad, because he seemed to be under the impression that I was just saying "brains" over and over again. Whoever the "brains" are behind Nioxin, they're in big trouble once I get my phone fixed, and see a dermatologist about these weird suppurating boils on my skin.

On the plus side, this whole experience had made me a lot less self-conscious about my hair. In fact I've shaved it into a mohawk and started wearing a leather jacket and listening to punk rock music just to show the world how little I care about its fashion norms. Tonight I'm going to hang out in a cemetery spray-painting stuff on gravestones and if anyone tries to stop me I'm going to eat all their flesh, followed by their

– Jedidiah (@notoriousamoeba)