Hey, Pitbull, Your Planet Sucks

Rapper, party-starter, woman-romancer, club-exploder.

Pitbull has many job titles, but if you own a television you are probably most familiar with the miniature MC as a suddenly ubiquitous corporate pitchman.

He sells for Dr. Pepper.

I didn't catch that. Did he say something about having a real good time? I have never seen anyone drink a Dr. Pepper at a party. Not once in my life. But that's because I haven't been invited to these one-of-a-kind wicked sexy bouncing Dr. Pepper Miami raves.

He also meanders through clubs sexifying women for Bud Light.

I wonder if it's painful to be turned into a sexy party girl by a tornado? Feminists recoil from this XP-upgraded male gaze.

He also shills for Kodak.

Clearly if you are at a club and you want to be surrounded by sexy women then you need to closely follow the prescriptions of Pitbull. Kodak even gets him to make web ads "for the fans" in which he talks about using his So Kodak camera to take pictures for the Facebook to let the fans know what he is doing.

I can only imagine what sort of wild, sexy activities an international romancer like Pitbull gets up to. What does he drink? What shoes do he wear? How does he feed his craving for salty-sweet snacks?

"Yo, sexy ladies, I am currently in makeup receiving my base coat of Latinoizer to get ready for my Pretzel Flipz commercial it is crazy in here. You ready to get this party started with Pretzel Flipz from Nestle?"

How does he get from place to place?!

"What's up people, Pitbull here repping the 305 I am getting ready to hop into this Toyota FJ Cruiser full of sexy ladies. It has heated leather seats and side window defrost. If you want a sexy party starting in your car it better be a Pitbull car and Pitbull drives the Toyota FJ Cruiser up moderate grade sand dunes to start wild rave parties in the desert."

It is not fucking cool, you idiots. These people debase themselves for money. It's not cool when Drake texts Pitbull. It's not cool when Wyclef leads a marching band for Ritz crackers or the Black Eyed Peas sing about baby clothes at Target. Pitbull has turned himself into the human version of the fucking Taco Bell Chihuahua.

And if you didn't know, rap and hip-hop music have been completely devalued as a "protest medium" by relentless commercialization. The most successful musicians in the genre inevitably become money-grabbing douchebags. Supergroups of the genre exist in the same nakedly exploitative way as boy bands.

It happens with every genre of music. It happened long ago with rock and roll. Protest or resistance art is gradually mainstreamed and the moment it breaks through it is pounced on by savvy marketers who try to slap their label on it. The rare artists who posses enough integrity (or foolishness) to resist the lure of big money will be defiled upon death. I bet Woody Guthrie songs were being used to sell Buicks the minute he was in the ground.

Can we escape the lure of Planet Pitbull and his 24/7 Miami party zone? What music comes next to give voice to the oppressed? Who will cry out, "NO MORE?"

I have a sinking suspicion.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)