Pitfall!: The Movie Part II

In my star-studded Tuesday updated, I introduced my horribly revolutionary idea of "Pitfall!: The Movie," a motion picture revival of the classic video game. I explained how it was sure to be an incredible blockbuster of epic magnitudes, as 1980s nostalgia is currently at an all-time high, even more popular than that reality show about 25 bitchy women who are competing to escape from a Vietnamese prison camp. The Atari 2600 title "Pitfall!" had just about everything in it. For example, it had pits. It also had places where you could fall. If that isn't truth in advertising, I don't know what is. Although computers and computer generated special effects can really make or break movies these days, every movie needs a solid cast and crew. Here's how I plan on casting the major roles for my adaptation of "Pitfall!: The Movie":

Design by Hoffma.

Pitfall Harry (played by either Dolph Lundgren or Brian Bosworth) - Harry is naturally the protagonist of this thrilling joyride. In "Pitfall!: The Movie," some of his backstory is revealed through a series of flashbacks and letters mailed to him from his ex-wife's lawyers. Harry was raised in 1900's New England by his father, an experienced treasure hunter / historian / vampire hunter / cyborg nanny who routinely traveled to such foreign places as Madagascar and Beloit. Harry Sr., taught young Harry everything he needed to know by constructing a crude obstacle course in their backyard and forcing his son to successfully run this obstacle course every evening before dinner or else his demanding father would force him to swallow a small dog. Harry Sr. knew that his son would one day grow up to be like him, an experienced treasure hunter who routinely traveled to such foreign places as Madagascar and Beloit, so this obstacle course was teaching him valuable life lessons. He never allowed his son to touch him or any other living creature or else he'd subtract points from a series of numbers that inexplicably floated over Harry Jr.'s head. In addition, Harry Jr. was also prohibited from staying longer than 20 minutes in any given room or else an invisible ghost would come in and tattoo the words "GAME OVER" across his pupils. One day, while exploring the Tallyhoohoo jungle for "hidden" treasure that would be randomly lying on the ground, Harry Sr. attempted to jump over a five foot tall snake. The bottom of his shoe touched the tail of this deadly jungle menace, causing him to instantly die. Ever since that day, Harry Jr. has swore revenge on the snake, "hidden" treasure, the jungle, and everything else that somehow involved his dad. Needless to say, he swears an awful lot in this movie.

The Snake Who Refuses to Move Under Any Circumstances (played by John Stamos) - The Snake helps the movie roll along smoothly, serving as Harry's arch-enemy and occasionally making mean-spirited barbs. Like when Harry falls down a pit, The Snake will say something intensely clever like "well isn't that just THE PITS?" and then he'll give this evil smirk which really makes the audience think, "boy, that snake is no good." The Snake appears to be the antagonist of the film, at least until the "surprise ending," which I cannot reveal here because it's such an utter surprise that it would kill all of us if I were to mention it here. Throughout the film, The Snake is pictured in a high tech command center, able to dispatch his many vile minions that impede Harry's progress and occasionally cause him to jump even when he really doesn't want to. Although John Stamos doesn't really have a body which screams, "hey, I'm a snake," he works for very little money and we can use such cutting edge special effect like "computers" and "fishing string" to transform him into a very convincing snake. If that doesn't work, we'll pay representatives to visit each movie theater across the world and spray people in the eyes with mace every time there's a scene featuring Stamos. Actually, I like that option a lot better, let's go with that.

Design by RealTimePicnic.

Some Random Body of Liquid In the Shape of an Oval (computer generated) - One of the main obstacles in the original "Pitfall!" was the many bodies of random liquid which either appeared, disappeared, or failed to appear and disappear. Pitfall Harry would have to come up with clever and creative ways to pass these deadly obstacles, such as swinging on a vine or jumping onto the eyeballs of African-American crocodiles. To accomplish this effect, we have hired a team of engineers to take 5,000 photographs of an actual pond. Then we digitized those pictures and used several Blue Gene supercomputers to interpolate a computer generated rendition of this pond down to the nearest 1/100,000th of a millimeter. This image was then printed out and placed in front of a bluescreen background, where it was captured by a digital camera and replaced with a real pond. We're thinking of making the movie's tagline something along the lines of "You Ain't Never Seen Water This Realistic Before!" or "The Best Pond You'll Ever See!" Ponds really draw in the audience, and if you don't believe me, then I'm sure there are some statistics I can make up which will convince you otherwise.

An Eternally Pacing Albino Scorpion In the Basement (robotic) - Directly under the command of The Snake Who Refuses to Move Under Any Circumstances, the Eternally Pacing Albino Scorpion is able to not only move to the right, but also move back to the left when he's finished moving to the right. It's this kind of flexibility and ability to adapt which makes him such a deadly threat. Although his motives are not clear, we do know that he is influenced by orders from The Snake, who is routinely shown shouting into a microphone "MOVE TO THE RIGHT! KEEP GOING! NOW MOVE BACK TO THE LEFT! YES! YES! KEEP DOING THAT!" in a very furious tone. This character, which will be played by a robot made from spare parts found in the dumpster between the TCBY and Circuit City stores in the local strip mall, will have a deadly touch which makes it deadly to touch. Harry will attempt to avoid this character by jumping over it or perhaps running in the opposite direction, and this fast-paced, manic action will keep audiences on the edge of their collective seats. To make the movie more realistic, live albino scorpions will be periodically dumped from the ceiling into the movie theater. If we're unable to find albino scorpions, we will capture regular scorpions and cover them with White-Out. If we're too lazy to track down living scorpions, we'll simply drop roofing nails and hot tar.

One Log / Three Logs Which Roll In One Direction and Then Appear Back Where They Started (Al Roker) - Mankind has always feared logs since the beginning of time. One of the first weapons created was known as "the stick," and could easily be fashioned from a nearby log. Many weapons these days still emulate the deadly design and precision of the stick, ranging from Hellfire missiles to the penises on Japanese anime hermaphrodite cartoon girl porn. Throughout "Pitfall!: The Movie," a steady supply of logs will roll from one side of the screen to the other, then mysteriously transport themselves back to where they began and start the procedure anew. Since we're aiming for a PG-13 rating, these logs will not cause Harry to explode in a horrific shower of blood, guts, bone, and shrapnel. Instead, they will make him kneel down and produce a sound effect like a triangle wave caught inside a blender. Some of Harry's "points" will be deducted as a penalty as well, causing the audience to constantly wonder, "how many points will Pitfall Harry be able to accumulate during this ill-fated lust for fame and fortune?" The answer, of course, is "none of your goddamn business." If Al Roker is not available to play the part of the Log / Multiple Logs, we will drug and use him anyway.

A Campfire Which is Somehow Incredibly Deadly (a campfire which is somehow incredibly deadly) - Everybody hates fire, so this cast member will probably elicit the biggest emotional response from theater crowds. Our polling experts have predicted that A Campfire Which is Somehow Incredibly Deadly will cause a whopping 79% of large black women to get up from their seats and shout, "oh no you don't!" or something sassily similar. While some smartasses and jerk scientists may claim that fire can be helpful and do good things, they all have obviously never been stabbed in the eye with a red-hot fireplace poker, so anybody who watches "Pitfall!: The Movie" and fails to actively show disdain for the Campfire Which is Somehow Incredibly Deadly will be lit on fire while their family members are forced to show disdain while they watch them burn.

Now that the backstory and main characters have been introduced, I'd like to show you a few key scenes from the upcoming smash hit Hollywood blockbuster Summer sensation "Pitfall!: The Movie." Be sure not to leak any of this information to that fat fuck Harry Knowles or else there's a chance some ill-informed miscreant might read his website and ignorantly assume he knows what the hell he's talking about when he begins badmouthing my cinematic masterpiece. I'd also like to take this moment to point out that Harry Knowles is both fat and ugly and if somebody held a contest for "The World's Most Fat and Ugly Man," Harry Knowles would die of a heart attack on his way to accept the award.

Design by KinkyJohn.

SCENE 72: "Danger In the Underbrush"

SETTING: Deep inside the jungle. Tall, dual-colored, foreboding trees loom overhead, failing to cast an ominous shadow. Pitfall Harry enters scene by falling from some random location above the screen. He hits the ground with a silent "thud" sound which can't be heard by anybody because we didn't bother getting somebody to record a landing sound effect.

PITFALL HARRY: "The jungle looks quiet... TOO quiet!" (Suddenly two logs come rolling in from the left)
AL ROKER LOG #1: "Muuahaha Harry! Looks like your day is going to be cloudy with a 100% chance... of DEATH!"
AL ROKER LOG #2: "That's right Al Roker Log #1! The Snake Who Refuses to Move Under Any Circumstances has sent us here to deliver you a message... and that message is DEATH!"
PITFALL HARRY: "I knew it! That cursed Snake Who Refuses to Move Under Any Circumstances! He's up to his old tricks again! Well I guess it's time to make quick work of these menacing logs!" (Harry successfully leaps over both Al Roker logs)
AL ROKER LOGS:(In unison) "Curses! Darn you, Pitfall Harry!"
PITFALL HARRY: "Now it's time to run over various valuable items some formerly rich idiot dropped in the jungle!"

SCENE 185: "Revenge Is a Dish Best Served... With DEATH!"

SETTING: Command Central. The King Snake Who Refuses to Move Under Any Circumstances is sitting near a control panel which has various buttons that randomly blink and make square wave bleeps for no reason at all. Standing next to him is his second in command, Baron Von Campfire Which is Somehow Incredibly Deadly.

KING SNAKE: "Curses! We must find some way to defeat that meddling Pitfall Harry before he steals all my precious jewels and material goods which I scattered across the jungle pavement for reasons that I cannot currently recall at this moment!"
BARON VON CAMPFIRE: "I propose we build an oval pond-"
KING SNAKE: (Interrupting) "You fool! We've already done that! He merely used that cursed swinging vine above to outsmart our pond full of deadly wet water!"
BARON VON CAMPFIRE: "No, I propose we create an oval pond... that shrinks and then expands at a set interval of time!"
KING SNAKE: "Genius! That's so crazy, it just might work! Quick, push the 'make expanding pond' button at the console! I have no arms and I lack the ability to move!"
BARON VON CAMPFIRE: "Me too."
KING SNAKE: "Curses!"

Lucrative merchandising products courtesy of KinkyJohn.

SCENE 412: "Fame and Fortune... With DEATH!"

SETTING: Pitfall Harry is climbing up a ladder from the subterranean"labyrinth" below, which is actually just a rectangular black room and a brick wall. Pitfall Harry looks to the left and sees a bag with a large "$" sign on it.

PITFALL HARRY: "This looks like my ticket out of here! I'm going to take the money and run!" (Suddenly an oval-shaped pond appears and disappears) "What kind of sorcery is this?!?"
VOICE OF KING SNAKE: "Muaaahahaha! Looks like you're a fish out of water, Harry! And if you want to stay alive, you'd better keep it that way!"
PITFALL HARRY: "Curses! Darn you, King Snake!" (Harry looks around in desperation and sees a swinging vine above the pond) "That's so crazy, it just might work!" (He grabs the vine and successfully swings over the pond)
VOICE OF KING SNAKE: "Curses! Darn you, Pitfall Harry, and your meddlesome ways!"
PITFALL HARRY: (Running over the money bag and causing it to turn invisible) "Time to bring this cash cow home so momma can milk it!"
VOICE OF KING SNAKE: "I'll get you yet, Pitfall Harry!!!" (Shakes his fist in the air at Harry, but cannot be seen since he's just a disembodied voice and he also lacks hands and the ability to move)

Those are but a few select scenes from the upcoming Something Awful movie, "Pitfall!: The Movie," which in case you have forgotten or missed it the previous 500 times I mentioned it, is a movie based off the game "Pitfall!" I feel that what it might lack in plot and character development can easily be replaced with cutting edge CG effects, just like they do with all movies these days. With the rise in 1980s nostalgia at an all time high and Hollywood creativity at an all time low, there is no possible way that this movie could fail in any aspect whatsoever, barring the unforeseen disaster of Harry Knowles showing up for a screening. If you think I'm wrong, then I dare you to send me $10 and prove it to me. Yeah, that's what I thought, you spineless wuss. Look for a release sometime in 2017 or a year after whenever the robots take over and eliminate all mankind from the face of the Earth. They'll appreciate the CG movies a hell of a lot more than you and I could.

Come See Me RIGHT NOW!

Zack "Journey of Natty Gann Editor" Parsons here with a seethingly hot new Hentai Game Review of a simply amazing vegetable chopping simulator entitled "Come See Me Tonight". This game is crescent fresh folks.

Ryoichi's Take: Tsugumi, on the other hand, will be the owner of the restaurant. It's a logical choice to choose her as a mate, but…she's angry at me for some reason.

My Take: Gummi Bear is the biggest fucking bitch ever. I longed for a violent rape scene in this game just so that stupid ass would finally get her comeuppance. Instead I get banged on the head with a pot repeatedly and insulted. Fuck that thing.

Hurry and read this review now before the Crites come in through the vent and eat my head. Go, now, I'll hold them off!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)