If this is what passes for "entertainment" these days, I'll pass!

Let's face it: Hollywood has gotten lazy. In this day of one-stop computerized special effects, minimum wage stunt doubles, and solar powered automatic hula hoops, the movie industry has their work cut out for them. Many big budget movies such as "Final Fantasy" and "Vanilla Sky" don't even employ real actors to star in them; producers simply hire a bunch of computers and input something called "data" and then a "movie" spews out from a large hole drilled through the computer! The miracle of technology can truly be a mixed blessing in disguise as a gift horse that's had it's mouth looked upon. On one hand, exciting and intriguing film concepts that were not feasible years ago can now be produced by a 10-year old kid wearing a Slipknot t-shirt and using a Compaq in his mother's basement. On the other hand, movie studios have succumbed to their inherent laziness and desire for big bucks while performing a minimal amount of work, using computer-generated special effects to replace things such as "stunts" and "a coherent plotline which makes sense and does not revolve around things repeatedly exploding to the right of Vin Diesel in slow motion."

If you want further proof, you may look no further than the recent Hollywood trend of turning comic books and video games into movies. The film "Spiderman," a movie about a boy who is not really a spider or a man but the producers assumed the title "Somewhat Of a Spider and a Boy" sounded terrible, grossed over 90 quadrillion dollars on its opening weekend... and that was just in Malaysia! The film attracted so many moviegoers in America that many cinemas found themselves forced to construct banks behind them, as their fleet of armored Brinks trucks often ran out of gas while transporting all those burlap bags marked with a large dollar sign on them. Scientists have estimated that if you took all the people who saw "Spiderman" and put them inside the Grand Canyon, you'd probably be responsible for a wide variety of crimes. Movies like "Resident Evil" and "Mortal Kombat 2," both loosely based off popular console video games, attracted millions of people to the movie theaters and caused them to buy tickets for a completely different film. Hollywood doesn't even bother creating new ideas these days, as there are plenty of pre-existing ideas floating around that are ripe to be ripped off, prime to be plagiarized, and kriss to be krossed. With this in mind, I have decided to brainstorm a potentially lucrative franchise which will easily earn me billions of dollars while requiring little to no effort on my part.

"Pitfall!: The Movie" is the result of countless hours upon my porcelain thinktank, a movie which I feel can not only vault me to fame and fortune, but also allow me to get out of my house for the first time this month. As any eBay connoisseur can tell you, there is a recent surge in 1980's nostalgia. Garbage Pail Kids are being sold for thousands of dollars, Alf video tapes are traded on the gold market, and it's really goddamn hard to track down a VHS copy of "Joysticks" starring Joe Don Baker. One of the staples from the 1980s was a little game created by a not-so-little man named David Crane, a gaming industry guru who created such not-as-hit Atari 2600 games like "Dragster," "Fishing Derby," "Fisting Derby," "The Land of 10 Red Pixels," "Escape From the Blue Square," and "God Only Knows What's Happening In This Game." While the aforementioned titles did not catch on with the general public and their fickle video game appetites, "Pitfall!" truly did. If you took every sold copy of "Pitfall!" and put them inside the Grand Canyon, you'd probably smother all the "Spiderman" fans you previously shoved in there. Then you'd have a big lawsuit on your hands and you'd probably blame me for some stupid reason.

"Pitfall!" taught me everything I ever needed to know: everybody is out to kill me, and the jungle is paved with a bright orange road littered with precious gems.

My point is that the game "Pitfall!" represents a cornerstone of our childhoods. If you somehow didn't grow up playing "Pitfall!," then just wait for the bill I'm trying to pass through Congress which will legally require you to have grown up playing the game. Anybody who resists will be shipped off to a Federal prison camp which is located on Saturn (not the car dealership, I'm referring to the actual planet full in our solar system of car dealerships). "Pitfall!" was one of the many games in the 1980s which taught us how the world really operates and how to successfully live our lives. For example, you should run through life constantly searching for money while avoiding anything else that moves, as it's inherently your enemy and will probably kill you if you come into contact with it. That's one of the primary foundations which powered Reganomics. "Pitfall!" taught me everything I needed to know in life:

1) If you find yourself up against insurmountable odds, there is probably a ladder you can take to drop down a level and face insurmountable odds in a slightly different location, promptly followed by a brick wall.
2) Nature is evil and will try to kill you every chance it gets.
3) All things considered, the jungle floor is very clean and probably maintained by a groundskeeping team who is on David Crane's payroll.

"Pitfall!" didn't really have much of a plot, per se, which makes it even easier to translate into a box office cash cow, as I can simply use my "artistic license" to interpret events and character motivation as I see fit. If you don't believe in its lack of plotline and story structure, let me quote from the "Pitfall!" Atari 2600 instruction manual:

The object of Pitfall! is to guide Harry through a maze of jungle scenes, jumping over or avoiding many deadly dangers, and helping Harry grab the most treasures in the shortest possible time.

David Crane: the man, the legend, the football-shaped skull.

I hope you weren't terribly confused or bamboozled by the intricate plotline fueling "Pitfall!," as it undoubtedly took David Crane and a team of 100 New York Times Bestselling authors decades to write. This incredibly intricate storyline goes into detail, explaining Pitfall Harry's motives and innermost desires with a compelling backstory:

Picture this! You are deep in the recesses of a forbidden jungle--an unforgiving place few explorers ever survive. But you've got courage, because you're with Pitfall Harry, the world famous jungle explorer and fortune hunter extraordinaire. The lure of hidden treasure draws you and Harry deeper and deeper into the bush. But, being a great explorer, you wouldn't think of starting such a difficult journey without reading this manual first--very carefully.

Since you're encouraged so strongly to read the manual, which you have to be reading to see that selection, I have copied and pasted the most essential part to this primer:

To practice your skills, try running to the right. Learn to jump the rolling logs and the holes in the ground first, then tackle the tougher skills of swinging on the vine and jumping over the crocodile pits. Whenever Harry is lost, you'll get another chance to try the hazard again, since the "replacement" Harry appears on the left side of the screen.

On one hand, we have "Harry," a character motivated by his lust for treasure and desire to travel across 255 somewhat identical screens. On the other hand, we have the action of "running to the right." As an antagonist, Mother Nature tries to impede Harry's progress by throwing a truckload of deadly and somewhat inexplicable enemies at him. This conflict results in a true clash of the titans, a grizzled veteran treasure hunter duking it out with a deity who commands a limitless swam of violent creatures armed with up to three frames of animation. Will Harry be able to travel across all 255 similar jungle backdrops and pick up each bar of gold and inexplicably humongous diamond ring while avoiding the many, many scorpions and snakes that infest the flat plains of the jungle? I don't really have any goddamn clue, but I've run the idea of "Pitfall!: The Movie" past many industry insiders and they all claimed it sounded better than my other 1980s video game themed movies consisting of:

"Maze Craze: The Motion Picture" - "Maze Craze" was a remarkable game in the sense that not only did it include a maze, but it would make you crazed if you played it for 18 hours straight. Trust me, as a kid I played "Maze Craze" for nearly two solid days and look how the hell I turned out. Additionally, if you had the "Maze Craze" cartridge inside your Atari 2600 and it was on while you picked up the console and dropped it onto the floor from five feet, an entirely new maze would appear, although the maze wasn't exactly logical and didn't seem to abide by any real rules. I considered those to be "bonus mazes," like how every game these days comes with little mini-games you have to spend 100 million days trying to unlock because you're pathetic and pray for a crude, simplistic game to distract you in the middle of your crude, complex game.

"Food Fight: The Legend Continues" - People like food. People like to watch fights. Try combining the two and you've got a recipe for success! Well that's what I thought at least, it turns out our test audiences grew tired of some guy with a 500-pound head tossing tomatoes and bananas around a large, featureless, black room for two hours. We tried to hire Macaulay Culkin for the role of "Kid With Huge Head," but he was too busy being unemployed and on drugs to legibly sign our contracts. Additionally, we had some difficulties explaining the random holes which are drilled into the ground and consume chefs for no readily apparent reason. Our producer suggested something involving "men in black," but we're not racist so we didn't agree to that.

"Combat: The Eternal Struggle" - Two grizzled war veterans engage in a high stake, bloodthirsty competition to destroy each other while piloting bulky mono color tanks and oddly shaped planes. As each vehicle increases in size, their projectile attack increases proportionally, and their speed decreases inversely. While giant colored squares slowly float around the movie theater screen, the two challengers shout such thrilling catchphrases as "I'm gonna nail you SQUARE between the eyes!" and "this is GAME OVER for you!" The climax of the movie occurs when the sawtooth sound effect plays.

Although these ideas didn't really pan out well, I'm happy to explain that "Pitfall!: The Movie" is turning out to be a tremendous success. In Thursday's update, I'll cover the cast and crew behind this glorious production and revival of America's favorite 1980s game when it was some time in the 1980s at least. Until then, you'll have to wait in line and reserve your tickets in advance for this wonderful, awe-inspiring, exciting movie filled with action and adventure and mysterious white stains which probably aren't healthy for anybody involved. Thank god we have million-dollar computers that can replace the white stains with such cutting edge and high tech things like Jar Jar Binks' head.

Teaser by Knormal.

Lobsters are Rocks with Danger Arms

Guess who?


Try again.

Last guess. Try harder

Sweet Jesus, you suck at this. It's Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams. What do I have to do, tattoo my last name on the back of your ass? Cause I'll do it, and then people will be asking you what "Adams" means when you have sex. And that my friends, will be an awkward moment, trust me.

Today's Goldmine is another installment of "Tales from the Zoo", a series of zoo-related stories, straight from the mouth of SA Forum Goon "Bigpeeler". This week, we deal with a mob of ninja kangaroos and an elephant that likes lifting things.

Kangaroos (and certain other animals) will literally run themselves to death trying to escape a predator. They can die of stroke, heart failure or injure themselves fatally by hitting a wall. The dogs had apparently zeroed in on a joey who, being younger, couldn't keep up. They caught it and tore into it. The mother, trying to defend her baby, was also attacked and killed. They were found right next to each other.

Once we figured this out, we were totally pissed off. We called in extra security and posted them round the clock. We put one man on top of the Antelope House to act as a sentry as the others patrolled the grounds the next night. The man on the roof was to walk back and forth and radio in when he spotted anything suspicious. He wasn't armed since he was so high up, but the armed guards were in golf carts and they could be there within a minute.

That night everyone took there posts. The roos were still outside since they were all still frightened. We really didn't like this fact, but realized that it may serve as bait for these wild dogs.

It did.

Now that sounds like a sticky situation! If you’d like to hear the rest of the story, then click here! And if you do want an Adams tattoo on your ass, you're weird.


– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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