The Porn Conformity Law

A screen capture from one of the many porn movies I own. NOTE: I have edited out all inappropriate parts unsuitable for the public.

After I removed the many poison-coated thumbtacks from my chair and sat down this morning , I began to write an update regarding the perils of human cloning. As usual, I planned on adding my patent-pending zany wit to the gravity of the issue by making remarks along the lines of "ha ha, those people should EXPLODE!" and "what a bunch of CRAZY GOOFY HILARIOUS PEOPLE!" However, I soon began to realize that my heart wasn't really in the article; there was something else I felt was much more important. One of the most critical and crucial issues facing us today is not the debate over human cloning. It is not that silly nuclear atomic laser missile space alien shield. It isn't any computer virus, economic indicator, or current fruit of the month that the Taliban is banning. No, my friends, I believe the greatest issue challenging us today is the fact that the quality of reality doesn't currently meet my pornography industry standards.

I came to that conclusion today when I was at the convenience store, attempting to buy some of that crazy new Sobe drink crap. You know the stuff; it's the junk that is the color of a dead Pokemon, has a name like "Freestylin' Mangojunipermarionmelonberry RazzleClown Screamin' Hobo Elixir," and is described on the bottle as the following:

A refreshing twist of real authentic fake fruit flavoring substitute with a splash of artificial coloring to give you that added boost. This drink is perfect for you Generation "Can Do" hipsters who climb the tallest mountain, rollerblade the most "radical" courses, and still have time to watch reruns of the Macneil / Lehrer report. NOTE: drinking this product will give you unholy powers of the Great Satan himself and will allow you to crush your enemies like the pathetic bugs they are. For $1.00 more, you can also purchase the version of this drink that doesn't make you uncontrollably vomit blue oatmeal-like chunks after consuming it.

I grabbed a bottle of this mysterious Chemical X and headed to the checkout counter where I planned on purchasing it. I figured this would be a better solution than trying to steal it by sprinting out the store, especially since I can't really move 10 feet these days without breaking into a sweat and passing out. As the native Iraqi / Martian guy behind the counter rang up my purchase, I realized that I didn't have any cash handy. When I offered to pay with my debit card, he informed me that the credit card processing machine was currently out of order, undoubtedly due to the fact that approximately 50 things were currently sitting on top of it including an entire television set tuned to the "Let's All Sing and Dance On a Desert Mountain For No Readily Available Reason" channel.

It was at that point that I realized my life was not conforming to porn standards. I'm a firm believer of the age-old saying "life imitates art," and the only art I'm constantly exposed to is the art of erotic Internet mpegs. My experience at the convenience store clearly did not mirror the experiences I've seen in these movies. If my life had conformed to the standards of porn, this situation would've resolved itself in a completely different manner:

ME: "I'll be getting this weird drink that contains a liquid solution the color of an oil spill, please."
CLERK: "Okay, that will be $3.72."
ME: "Alright... shit, I don't have any cash on me. Do you take credit cards?"
CLERK: "No, I'm sorry, our credit card machine is currently broken because of the time I used it as a truck wheel block. Of course, we DO accept payment in OTHER forms..." (removing shirt)
ME: "Hey! What the hell? Stop! You're just some fat and hairy Iraqi guy! For God's sake, put your shirt back on!"
CLERK: (Transforming into attractive blonde woman) "How about now, big boy?"
ME: "Let's go for it! Hey wait a second, you're not done transforming into a woman completely. You still have a, uh, male part."
CLERK: "Yeah, just like in the normal porn you download."
ME: "Dear GOD!"

As you can tell by that extremely frightening bit of dialogue, the benefits of my Porn Conformity Law are too many to list. Actually that's not true, as I just listed one. So the list of benefits contains at least one item, possibly more, and features the following three advantages over "real life" as we currently know it:

1. Considerably More Attractive Lesbians. While walking from work yesterday, I passed a gaggle of young lesbian art students meeting outside a downtown bar. It looked like a freaky convention of 12 year old boys named "Butch" from the 1960's who just got back from the fishin' hole. Their haircuts appeared to be the result of flamethrower attacks, and each one wore a huge protective layer of plaid. Needless to say, it was a horrifying experience. If my Porn Conformity Law was enacted, these people would be replaced by leggy voluptuous models who carry marital aides in their purses at all times. The ugly lesbians would be put into "social adjustment camps" where, after months and months of exhaustive training and mental conditioning, they would be released back into the public with large garbage bags over their heads so we wouldn't have to see them.

Generic male from the 1960s.

Modern "real-life" lesbian.

Now some of you homosexual women may take protest to this law, especially the part where I suggested all ugly lesbians should have their genes bombarded with deadly gamma rays from space (NOTE: This part, along with the paragraph comparing figureheads in the current lesbian community to Uncle Fester, has been deleted). You might be complaining, "but Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka! What about heterosexual men? I saw you passing us by during our LesboCon meeting at the bar yesterday, and your face looked like it took a wrong turn into a trash dumpster! Why will only lesbians be less ugly?" Simple: male porn "actors" are ugly. There doesn't seem to be any law requiring male porn actors to be handsome, or for that matter, have a gut that doesn't obscure their kneecaps. Take, for example, the large, bloated, hairy tick named Ron Jeremy. So all you single heterosexual males out there can go to sleep tonight knowing that when you wake up tomorrow, you'll be just as ugly as you currently are. And make no mistake, you're plenty ugly.

2. Porn-like Solutions to All Issues. Let's face it: problems in real life are often difficult and complicated to solve. If we didn't have problems in our lives, there would be absolutely no market for those bullets which make your ribcage blow up. In pornography, all problems can be solved by one simple solution: sex, and lots of it. Let's take a look at this in action:

SCENE: THE BANK
BANKER: "You're late on your mortgage payment. We're going to foreclose and take your house. And your kids. Then a nice Canadian couple will buy your house. And your kids. Then they'll move in and trash the place while urinating on all your furniture. And your kids."
YOU: "Isn't there some way I can make it up to you?"
BANKER: "Today is your lucky day. I just happen to not be wearing any pants."

3. Voices That Seemingly Come Out Of Furniture and Other Inanimate Objects. A popular skill that many porn stars apparently have is the ability to say things and make noises while their mouths are, er, "occupied." A woman will be devoting her mouth to a certain area on another individual, yet you'll hear her distinctly say "oh baby" followed by sounds which you probably shouldn't be hearing at the time. If my Porn Conformity Law is passed, each person will be given two voice polyphony. Have you ever been eating a 8-inch long sub sandwich while somebody is talking to you? Well now you'll finally be able to reply back while eating! As an added bonus, it will sound like your voice is coming from the flower vase 10 feet behind you! And slurping sound effects will magically accompany it!

These are just three of the many valuable benefits you'll receive upon helping me support pass my Porn Conformity Law. I'm sure the other ones involve some kind of tax break or consumer safety law that will require companies to install passenger-side ejection seats in your 1972 Ford Imapala. Regardless, I look forward to you support in making life a bit more livable, and more importantly, allowing me to pay for purchases without having to carry cash. Plus that hairy Iraqi guy, in his current form, is really unappealing.

Where There's Firemen There's Firemen Comics!

Like clockwork (assuming the clock is off by an entire day), K-Dog has provided another new and exciting installment of everybody's favorite Internet hilarity, "Fireman Comics!" Enjoy!

I never knew wackiness was supposed to burn this bad!

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)