Ready Player One's Ernest Cline Presents: Spoken Word Poetry

Epic Nerd Girl Porn

by Ernest Cline

I've noticed that there don't seem to be any porno movies that are made for guys like me. [sounds of confused hooting from crowd]

All the porn I've come across
was targeted at beer-swilling sports watching jock morons
Oh, what are you watching... sports ball?
Le sigh.
You may have been all that in high school, but let's get one thing straight
out here in the real world, us nerds are in charge.
"Bag my groceries, asshole" -maddox.

These hunks like stupid women
who have surgery because they're too stupid to think for themselves.
They're bimbos
plain and simple
and they're complete idiots
Absolute empty heads
They're objects
I can't get off to that because I respect women too much, even when they're FUCKING VAPID BITCHES WHO HAVE SEX WITH JOCKS.

But I NEED porn.
I need to rub my dick and imagine I'm rubbing it on a woman until I shoot out white cum.
But I need something better.
That's right motherfuckers - I'm talking about an epic nerd girl!

I want a real woman.
An epic nerd girl with scoliosis.
A girl who knows how to use a calculator or owns a calculator.
Super Mario Bros. The Legend of Zelda. Mega Man. Contra. The uh, the one where the kid puts bananas in his ears. Startropics. Donkey Kong. Sonic the Hedgehog. Sonic the Hedgehog 2. Sonic 3 & Knuckles. [sound of one guy in crowd going wooo yeah at sonic 3 & knuckles]

I'm talking about a porn flim where the girl wears GLASSES.

In my porn film there wouldn't even be sex.
The women would just say "There are 10 kinds of people in the world" and I would say "Huh ok go on" and they would say "People who understand binary and people who don't" and I would cum as soon as she said binary.
Imagine seeing a woman playing chess.
Imagine seeing a woman near a chess board.
Imagine a woman saying "Did you hear about the new Star Trek series?" I would jack off to her. Oh god, oh christ, say Star Trek again. I respect you so much unghhhhhhhhh

My name is Ernest Cline. I'm a Forty-Five-year-old author. I've watched every erotic film in existence, and I have never jerked off. There are MILLIONS of nerds just like me, and we're getting sick of people like you blaming your problems on us. Ignorance causes impotence, not nerd girls. Man up and take responsibility. We outnumber you, and the people that think like you. DON'T FUCK WITH US.

[sounds of like one guy clapping]

Hello, I'm author Ernest Cline. If you liked this article, maybe you'll enjoy my novel Ready Player One, which is about a gamer... in a world where gaming is illegal [?? I think?? It's been a while]. I've also been told I have to plug something called... uh... This Internet, which is a comedy zine about... e-mail. I haven't read it. EC out.

– Ernest Cline (@g0m)