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Young Xilly Has Beef With Potatoes

Young Xilly is no stranger to controversy. Once again, our featured hip-hop artist has made national headlines with his newly-launched public assault on potatoes and starches in general. Young Xilly explains:

I was eating some beef stew in the studio one day and I just thought, 'You know what? Fuck potatoes.'

It's like I've felt this way all my life but until I started rapping, I never had the eloquence and courage to put it into words. Fuck potatoes. Fuck starches. Fuck any bland-ass food product that can't be bothered to get some real texture and flavor without needing someone to mash it or put salt and butter on it. Ya hear, plantains? Shape up or you're next.

Xilly issued a press release to thank his fans for their continued patience and support, as his debut album has once again been delayed indefinitely while he continues to get his message out through talk show interviews, college lectures, and "at least one harshly worded billboard in Minneapolis".

It's My Face Tentatively Settles On New Album Title

Following months of deliberation and the third death of a drummer this year, pop-punk bad boys It's My Face have chosen a name for their first album: "Cowboys And Indians, The Kind That Come From India".

This marks the fourteenth title that has been announced for this album, beginning in 1999 with "If You Can Read This You're Too Literate", which they dropped in favor of "These Boots Are Made From Walken". Their indecision continued through most of the 2000's, as the band decided upon (and consequently abandoned) such album titles as "Never Forget Fawlty Towers", "The Horse Race That Ended In Ecstasy", and "Ghost Dad: The Father That's Also A Ghost".

Now that a name has been settled upon, It's My Face hopes to come up with ten or twelve clever song names and craft witty lyrics for each one. Assuming the process doesn't start from scratch once again due to "Cowboys And Indians, The Kind That Come From India" being replaced by another album title, music will be laid down for each track as the final, least important step.

Travis Hanktwang Having Trouble Fitting His Patriotism, Love For Honest Working Class Folk Onto Album

When we signed Travis Hanktwang to our country music label, we knew he was a talented artist that loved his country and the hard-working folks that make up its heartland. What we didn't realize was how strong his convictions were, and how dedicated he is to perfection.

Travis has been working on his highly anticipated debut album "America" for two years, and after countless recording sessions and rewrites, he still isn't happy with the amount of respect and love for America and country folk that the album conveys. Take, for instance, the following lyrics:

America Part IV: America

America America America America America
United States America America America,
They're hard workin' simple country folk
But everything they say and do is just and right
And they're way smarter than everyone else in
America America America America America

America America America America America
Just kiddin'
America America America America America

(whispered) America!

Travis hopes that replacing the words "and" and "but" with "America" and "heartland" will increase the overall patriotism of the song while remaining somewhat intelligible. If that fails, he plans to re-record the entire album with a drumset made of vertically standing steelbeams with hardhats resting upon them and American flags draped over every microphone.

Saying Goodbye To A Decade Of Ska

After ten years together, we are sad to announce that Chicks Dig Skas is splitting up. Their exciting mix of ska and electronica (made entirely on a computer using samples from the default Windows 98 sound scheme) would have turned the music industry on its ear if tragedy hadn't struck earlier this year.

As you'll recall, the band worked for nine years before finally completing their debut album. In their excitement, they mistakenly burned a master disc that contained "pretty much every Atari Lynx rom in existence" and sent it off to our factory for duplication, then deleted the album files from their aging Compaq Presario's hard drive to make room for a complete siterip of

We thank the individual members of Chicks Dig Skas for all of their hard work over the years, and wish them the best in their future endeavors.

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– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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