The Drawbacks of Being Impaled by a Steel Beam

I'm not here to talk you out of this. If you want to be impaled by a steel girder that's your business. I just want to make sure your decision is an informed one. There are some drawbacks to consider.

• You don't know where that steel beam has been. Think of all the germs that could be breeding on that ten foot length of metal skewering your abdomen.
• Months of watching what you eat. Getting more exercise. It finally felt like your body was heading in the right direction. Now you weigh an additional four hundred pounds. Back to awkwardly wearing a t-shirt in the pool!
• It's difficult to make conversation with 1930s skyscraper construction workers on their lunch breaks as they sit on your girder with their overall-covered legs dangling 30+ stories above the street.
• It hurts. On a scale of 1 to "I stubbed my toe REAL bad" it's closer to the latter.
• Remember that blind date you scheduled for tomorrow night? You SPECIFICALLY told them to look for the person with pink shoes and no steel girder in their abdomen.
• If sidling past a group of people in a tight hallway is already one of your least favorite social situations, things are about to get very awkward.
• Do you know how hard it is to find other people who were impaled by steel girders? Sure, you can talk to people without steel girders in their torsos, but they just don't get you.
• Steel melts at approximately 2500 degrees fahrenheit. This beam is going to restrict your freedom quite a bit, as anywhere with an ambient temperature over 2450 degrees is now off limits. Say goodbye to your social life.
• If you do find somewhere to travel, you'll have to pay for an entire row of airplane tickets.
• Once the excitement and giddiness wear off things feel relatively... well... boring. It's hard to imagine any life experience matching that initial rush when the girder blasts straight through your body. There's nothing quite like it. Maybe you can join one of those urban axe-throwing classes?
• Think about all the time and effort that will go into updating your extensive gallery of silhouette self-portraits.
• You are going to die within moments.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)