These Techniques for Surrendering to a Police Officer Might Save Your Life

Take one of presidential frontrunner Dr. Ben Carson's "How to be a good black man" classes, which will help protect you from Nazi influences, slave mentalities, and outside agitators and allow you to function as a contributing member of a Hannity panel. These things won't help you with police, but if you always wear the free t-shirt Hannity gives to every guest it might save you.

If you are with your children, ask them to talk to the police and tell the police you surrender. Law enforcement officers are statistically 10% less likely to shoot and kill a child. With babies it goes as low as 15% less likely, although for some reason police throw flash bangs at babies much more frequently.

In the event that police are using precogs to see you committing crimes such as picking up a toy gun, you will need to periodically hold up your hands and say "I surrender" no matter where you are and what you are doing so the precogs will know you are compliant.

In the event you have to comply with police, you need to make sure you are not obese or suffering from any other chronic medical condition, because you never know when you may need to be in peak physical condition to survive being sat on and choked by five police officers. If possible, try to become ageless and almost indestructible so that a shadowy organization covers your bones in adamantium.

Politely remind any arresting officers, "Please double check and be sure you are actually shooting me with a taser and not your sidearm while I am handcuffed face down on the ground."

Ask a creepy underground Russian doctor to remove your arms and legs so you will never pose a threat to police again. Unfortunately, this will make you unable to earn a living and you will soon be homeless. But on the plus side, police usually just beat homeless people unrecognizable and drop them off in the countryside rather than arrest them.

Realize that you are the real racist and act accordingly. Especially considering this is not about race. Nothing is about race except the race card, which you just keep playing.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)