Shedd Aquarium

One of the most popular and longest operating aquariums in the United States. Features dozens of exhibits and a lakeside auditorium for live dolphin shows. So what sorts of premium services can your money get you?

Your very own Shedd Aquarium 12 oz. cup and as much seawater as you can drink from the Living Reef Kid's Encounter.
A vial containing mercury, estrogen, ammonia, and zebra mussels to pour into the tank of your choice in the Lake Michigan Wildlife exhibit. Don't worry, this is just simulating the habitat of all Lake Michigan wildlife.
You may interrupt the dolphin live show at any time by leaping into the pool and attempting to attach a saddle to one of the dolphins. The fee grants you ten minutes of trying whether or not you succeed in taming the wild water mustang AKA sea horse.

Chicago's Finest

To protect and serve. It's right there in the motto. The Chicago Police Department is pleased to offer you a selection of premium services.

The Chicago Police Department will file a police report on your stolen property and/or missing child. This is a genuine, collectible Chicago Police Report usually only seen in white people murder cases.
During a traffic stop you may elect to receive your ticket in the form of a giant novelty ticket. The officer will pose for a photograph as he hands you the ticket.
A personal tour of the Cook County Jail, a deputy's badge, and your choice of inmate to spit on.

Chicago White Sox

Pro sports loves its premiums and Chicago's real baseball team is no exception. The White Sox are not to be confused with the Chicago Cubs, the nation's longest running off-broadway comedy about baseball.

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen will mispronounce your name during a press conference and call you a "fag." He will then apologize on a WGN radio show, but will ramp up the fake accent so much it will be unintelligible.
You and a family member may charge the field and assault your choice of Kansas City Royals player during any home games against the Royals.
Will throw the World Series.

Pizzeria Uno

The disputable home of Chicago style pizza, Pizzeria Uno has launched a nationwide chain that shovels million-calorie pies down the gullets of Americans from coast to coast. The dirty secret is that the original tastes nothing like the chain. Come see the original and pay a little extra for a side of special service.

Visitors from out of town are welcome to mention the weather outside and state that, "Golllllly shucks, I guess that's why they call it the Windy City!" The server will then laugh politely and ask if you are ready to order rather than pulling your shirt up over your face and stabbing your midsection with half a broken bottle.
Has your kid lost a tooth? Don't stuff it under the pillow! Bring it in and the "Pizza Fairy" will bake it into your kid's very own individual deep dish.
"It's what they would have wanted." Say these words when ordering and be sure to have your deceased pet handy in a bag or box. The server will make sure the kitchen creates a special dearly departed pizza for you to enjoy a last meal with your beloved family pet.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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