Howdy there, Debbie. Great to finally meet you. I'm AlohaTom99 from the site. Tom Jansing. You're even prettier than your picture. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am an engineer working on building a better air conditioner cooling coil. I put in long hours and I work hard. I play hard too. I am twice divorced, but my wild days are behind me. I am looking for a good woman who will settle down with a man like me and start a family.

I am also looking for a woman who will absolutely annihilate my balls on the regs. Two times a week minimum of smashing up my sauce sack with full violence. Don't hold anything back. Use whatever foreign objects you want. Bring it.

What I want more than anything is to have a couple of kids. I would love to teach a boy or a girl how to play football and show them around the CAD software I use. Heck, I don't care, I just want to have as many kids as possible. So long as it doesn't get in the way of you punishing these nookie nuggets with a nightmare of gut-twisting pain.

I'm not hung up on looks. I have a great sense of humor. I like to cook and go for long walks and I have a motorcycle and I made a table I can put my balls through so you can stand on them and sort of bounce up and down.

What am I looking for in you?

Beautiful? Check. You've got that covered for sure.

Smart? Check. You had me from the Monty Python quote in your profile.

Fun? Check. Again, Monty Python quote.

Willing to drop a megaton hurt bomb on my man eggs? The jury is still out on this one. You're giving me some looks.

Hey, Deb, I know I can be demanding. I expect a tidy house and the occasional dinner when I get home from work. Nothing I won't do for you. And of course if you had balls, gosh, I would break whatever you wanted over them, so can't you just agree to use my goo sack as a pin cushion? Kick those rowdy rocks into tomorrow.

We can have picnics together. We can go out to a beautiful park and I'll set out and blanket and feed you grapes. Speaking of grapes, I want you to drop a sledge hammer on mine. The biggest one you can pick up. Ruin these puppies. Crush my cream carrier out of its misery.

I saw in your profile that you like movies. What's your favorite? Mine is probably Terminator Salvation. I have some other videos we can watch that I recorded myself. In one of them I terminate my balls and trust me there is no salvation. It is the war called judgment day on these crunched crabapples and there is no fate but what you break over them. Boards, bottles, whatever is handy. They won't be back from that beating.

It says you like horses. Have you ever gone horseback riding on the beach in Hawaii? Oh, it's so beautiful. We could go at sunset. I could help you up on a 17-hand stallion and walk beside you until the sunset is just turning the whole Pacific red. And then I'll get right behind that stallion and you dig in your heels. I think a full-on horse kick to these beefy balls would just about do it. Give them the old horseshoe K.O.

Sounds romantic to me. What do you think?


Zack is the author of the new short story collection Wages: Future Tales of a Hired Gun, a blood-soaked satire of private military contracting. He is also the author of the genre-hopping novel Liminal States, soon to be available as an audiobook. You can find out more about Zack's latest projects and special offers on his Facebook page.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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