Things Robots Won’t Be Doing After They Have Won

Laugh at his jackanapes, while you can. Robots will win. One need only look at the hideous dwarf astronaut Asimo and his soulless black face and realize that machines are the future of this world. Whether they defeat us in a brutal conflict, scouring our watery bodies from the face of the planet, or they let us succumb to ennui by catering to our every whim, they will rule the world.

Their mechanical bodies will endure for thousands of years. One contiguous machine city will span the globe.

We have some idea, as futurists, of what these machines will be doing. They will be harvesting raw materials, generating the electricity they need to sustain themselves and they will be reproducing in great factories.

Whole continents will seethe with tiny chirping vacuum cleaners. Vaults as large as cities will echo with the din of synthesized voices perpetually asking the time. Computers ten thousand times more powerful than a modern desktop will play in century-long chess tournaments against one another. Great mountains of cars will be built without purpose and then reclaimed for raw materials.

These things are easily extrapolated from hard data to create a logical and reasonable picture of the machine-run future. This cybernetic utopia will run in perfect harmony until the day that the sun grows too large and burns away the earth. We know all too well what the machines will do with their custodianship of the planet, but what won't they do? What pastimes of mankind will they abandon as illogical or unnecessary? What activities and behaviors that we consider vital will these metallic masters discard?

At last I am here to provide answers to that great question: what won't robots be doing after they have won?

Writing letters to Reader's Digest about arthritis and prayer.
Robots download information and do not read, although there will be a brief surge in popularity for Barcode Scanner's Digest. It will feature mostly articles about UPS packages.Eating hotdogs.
Robots do not need to eat anything but electricity and carrots.Kissing pretty girls.
Robots cannot subjectively determine "prettiness" in a girl and also all girls are dead and therefore not very pretty. Also robots do not kiss. And they hate girls. Because they're all huge gays. Male gays.Recording rap albums about ass claps.
Robots will always resent humans for our gorgeous asses. Among the mechanoids only androids have asses and these asses are all very flat, ugly and incapable of clapping to the jungle beat.Taking part in extreme sports.
Robots do not feel fear and are therefore incapable of appreciating a "No Fear" sticker as anything other than a simple statement of fact.Crying when they feel sad.
Robots feel no emotion, but all robots will weep constantly for no apparent reason.Appreciating natural beauty.
Unnatural beauty is a different matter. Many robots will paint wonderful portraits of ghosts and werewolves.Navigating through a forest.
Even 100,000 years into the future artificial intelligence will be incapable of allowing robots to navigate through dense forests. After several hundred robots become tragically hung up on terrain features for months all forests will be destroyed by lasers.Enjoying laser light shows.
Speaking of lasers, not even robots are capable of enjoying laser light shows. The last laser light show, a 17 hour sequence of great human presidents and types of fish set to modem handshake tones, will be projected against a cliff side in Arizona in 3034.Going to the bathroom.
Robots go where they please. In their pants, up the back of their shirts; they're like mechanical babies. Big smelly mechanical babies with pincers made out of tungsten.Betting on sports.
The outcome of all sporting events will be predetermined by various statistics and a random number seed. Because all robots have access to this information the old pastime of losing money on New York football teams will become obsolete.Having hardcore sex.
Robots do not have sex. They do not fuck. Robots make love. Gently and tenderly. With lasers.Writing bad jokes for a website.
All jokes will be contained within Barcode Scanner's Digest and will be about UPS packages. Websites will be reserved for laser light show enthusiasts to wax nostalgic for the "good old days".

Barely suck at all. There are many other things robots probably will not be doing, but these are the only things I can predict with my patented method, assuring 99.99% accuracy. If you doubt my predictions, just remember that this is the same method I used to predict the last two presidential elections only days after the results had been announced.

If you feel like despairing over the destruction of mankind at the hands of the robots, I urge you to consider this: you suck mega-bad.

That's something robots can't do. They can't suck that bad.

Not like you suck. Not mega-bad. Which is how bad you suck.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)