Ladies and gentlemen...am I still ALLOWED to say that? Is that legal? I love my wife and my wife loves to shop, especially during sales. She will buy anything marked down. She bought an escalator. Because she thought it was a price. The direction was a price. How is that sitting with you, libtards?
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under. They were reliant on my income - because my wife has never worked a job other than getting on my LAST NERVE - and these shops went out of business because my wife was not there buying things. Can you believe that? I don't want to be ABLEIST here, but I can't afford to walk across the street.
My wife has bought an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair. Calm down. You can buy them in Japan. The chair calls your name based on your butt shape. Unfortunately, my wife is so out of shape it can't recognize a butt. It thinks she's a Hippopotamus. Folks, it's the chair, not me saying these things. Judge the chair's comments.
My wife and I have a wonderful relationship. Wonderful. Here's the secret: we take a beautiful vacation every year. I'll go to Thailand, she'll go to Ireland. I'll go to Las Vegas while she's at Niagra Falls. It keeps us happy. Then we come home and never talk about it. There is too much talking with the millenials today. Too much texting. And sexting. I tried to sext my wife and she said that sex is a construct created by the patriarchy. Am I using these words right? Is this thing on?
Take my wife, please! Oh, I can't say that? I was just going to say she is a WONDERFUL woman, but the PC POLICE turned on the sirens.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" I got kicked off the stage at Berkeley for that joke. Kids these days can't take a 65-year-old joke about a wife. It makes them crazy. They just DO NOT LAUGH.
Three weeks ago, my wife learned how to drive a car. Last week she learned how to aim it. Now she's running an Uber car. The one with the app? You know what I'm talking about it. Where you plug in a code on your telephone and then the car shows up and it's driven by somebody who barely speaks English. If I wanted that I would talk to my sister's kids. All they know is video games. Points this and upgrades that. I feel like I'm at the TWA check-in trying to get into first class.
I kid, I kid. I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen." Of course, she was joking. She doesn't realy drive folks.
Guys, women are amazing. Treasure them, but not as an object, as a divine being. As a wonder. Thank you! I'll be at Brickman's on March 20th and Kutsher's Hotel and Country Club in the afternoon all of the week after.
I hope you're happy with what you've DONE TO MY COMEDY!!
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.