Special Guest Host - Kevin “Fragmaster” Bowen!

Since Lowtax is off trying to score with something (Pikachu?), he asked me to handle today’s update. Gee, you guys are in for a treat… not many people have an even more retarded nickname than “Lowtax.” By the way, if you’re wondering where Lowtax got his nickname, he ripped it off this psycho congressional candidate who murdered his opponent way back in 1998. Pretty appropriate if you ask me… you ever listen to his music? Sounds like great stuff to grind up human souls by, if you catch my drift. He’s quite the gothic fellow!

But enough about Lowtax. The dirty scoundrel! There’s important news to provide insightful commentary on!

2000 Flushes... OF DEATH!

Judge finds death in toilet was probably homicide, not suicide - Yeah, the highbrow standup comedians are going to have a field day with this one:

Jay Leno: Did you hear some lady in Wisconsin got killed by a toilet? Gee, talk about cutting the cheese! Hope they had enough toilet paper to clean her up… or maybe they just wrapped a whole roll around her and turned her into a Mummy! I bet she smelled like POOP! Talk about your SUPER BOWL! HAR HAR!

Sure, I enjoy going to the occasional suspense-packed toilet murder mystery movie. Who doesn’t? But when this kind of stuff goes down in real life it makes me… well… totally apathetic. To be honest, I couldn’t care less if some butter-coated broad from Land O' Lakes sucked down her final gulps of air while worshipping the porcelain god. Get a plunger, unclog her sorry ass, burn her, throw her ashes in a box, and move on. Sympathy is for losers.

XFL Fever... It's Spreading!

Like most strapping young 20-somethings, both Lowtax and I are psyched about the upcoming XFL season, which kicks off February 3rd. Unfortunately, the league is already running into problems. For one thing, a XFL Blimp crashed into an Oakland restaurant. Somehow they lost control of the blimp, which is understandable considering those things move at what… three miles an hour? A spokesman for the blimp company offered up the following excuse:

``There could have been a number of reasons [things went horribly and completely wrong],'' Grant Murray, spokesman for blimp owner Airship USA, told reporters. ``An airship moves with great mass and it's very difficult to control it.''

You know what else moves with great mass and is difficult to control? Joe Don Baker. And all these fat-ass, larded up, over-the-hill rejects who haven’t played football since their college days in 1992, pathetically trying to make their triumphant “comebacks” in the XFL. Even the most of the cheerleaders are NFL castoffs with flabby arms and bad perms. No, stop! God has crashed your blimp. He’s trying to tell you this is a bad idea and that Vince McManwitch should concentrate on his primary business, which last I checked consisted of dressing up men in funny costumes, giving them catchy theme music, throwing him into a square with another a guy, and then watching them hug for ten minutes until someone is arbitrarily declared the winner. Despite all this, myself and thousands of other flag-burning Americans are breathlessly awaiting the season opener. Vegas con men are even taking bets on who’ll win the championship! Here are the odds, plus my personal opinions on the chances of each team:

Los Angeles Xtreme - 5:2
Football in LA has a long, interesting, and storied heritage. That’s why both the Rams and the Raiders ditched this hellhole for greener pastures. You know your city sucks when St. Louis is considered a more reasonable, safer alternative.

Orlando Rage - 4:1
Perhaps by funneling the rage of area seniors into their defensive strategy, this straggly bunch of over-the-hill junkies will succeed in their noble quest. If their noble quest consists of scoring cocaine from Daryl Strawberry’s dealer, that is.

Memphis Maniax - 5:1
Despite their seizure-inducing logos, these backwoods bozos don’t stand a chance. Sorry ladies, this is a football league, not an inbreeding contest. Get it? ‘Cause they’re hicks.

Las Vegas Outlaws - 5:1
I’ve been to Vegas, and on the taxi ride to the casino the cab driver warned me that lots of gangsters hang out underneath the laser light show canopies because “A lot of those L.A. gangsters have homes here.” Thus… all Vegas cab drivers are friggin’ nutballs, I guess.

N.Y./N.J. Hitmen - 6:1
Finally, someone had the good sense to combine professional murder with football. The result? High school quality football dressed up with cooler uniforms, supplemented by a larger percentage of surgically altered cheerleader sweater meat. Yay.

San Francisco Demons - 7:1
In the BASEketball league (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re fortunate), the San Francisco team was nicknamed “The Ferries.” Such a clever play on words! Rumor has it that the entire S.F. team consists of laid-off employees from a variety of area dot.com’s.

Birmingham Bolts - 8:1
Ah, Birmingham… a wonderful city that couldn’t even support a Triple-AAA minor league baseball team, let alone a World League franchise. I’m pretty sure the majority of the population doesn’t even know where Birmingham is. It’s in Alabama, right? Have they gotten around to outlawing slavery there yet? Jeez.

Chicago Enforcers - 12:1
Hitmen, Outlaws, Demons, Xtremists, Enforcers… what kind of league is this?! What are they going to name the expansion teams? Houston Hangmen? Cincinnati Cardiovascular Disease? Arkansas Abortionists? I think the stupid football league we had in our elementary school, which consisted of teams like “Mrs. Sherwood’s Class,” had better names and probably even a deeper talent pool.

All this coupled with the elimination of the “fair catch” rule leads me to believe that the XFL will be the most X-treme, X-hilarating, and umm… X-wife-beating league ever! FEEL THE POWER!

VCR Surfing... The Cat's Meow!

I don't know about you, but I for one am a little disturbed by the latest kiddie fad to invade our schoolyards and possibly poison our drinking water. No, I’m not talking about scooters or those crazy “trading cards,” I’m talking about VCR surfing. Now that DVD has hit the mainstream, people are tossing out their old outdated VCR’s. Kids across the nation are getting their mitts on them and converting them into giant surfboard-like devices. They think it’s all “rad” to “hang-ten” on the streets with old VHS players strapped to their feet or buttocks.

I didn’t believe this fad when I first heard about it, but apparently there’s a show on Nickelodeon or something where the main character VCR surfs to his job at an AK-47 factory. After work, his fast-on-his-ass VCR surfing always helps him elude the gang of pedophiles who try to take advantage of him every day after work. This is nuts. Life is not a Steven Spielberg movie. You will never meet a magic alien that will cause your bicycle to crash land on the moon or discover a buried pirate ship in a secret underground cave. Instead, you will only scrape your knee on a broken piece of wood and make awkward passes at girls who totally despise you. Back when I was a kid, we had those cool snap bracelet things that doubled as a ruler. Those were cool. VCR surfing? That’s some dangerous, stupid, crap. So cut it out, youngins.

– Kevin "Fragmaster" Bowen (@sexyfacts4u)

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