Swarm to Attack, My Delicious Legal Monkeys!

Well, you gotta love Nintendo. No seriously, you've legally GOT to love Nintendo or else you'll find yourself at the end of a very costly lawsuit. The gigantic console megalomaniac has taken the next logical step and moved from suing small sites to suing much larger ones. As much as it pains me to sympathize with them, everybody's favorite online gaming mag Daily Radar has recently found themselves staring down the ass-end of a gigantic Nintendo lawsuit claiming copyright infringement, trademark infringement, and general "willful and unlawful conduct." Why? Because Daily Radar published a walkthrough Pokemon trainer's guide.

Now I'll be the first one to admit I'm no legal expert (that's why I have Leonard Crabs on staff), but what does Nintendo stand to gain from suing every warm-blooded creature in the entire world who dares to use the word "Pokemon" on their webpage? Why are they on such a massive witchhunt, obsessed with shutting down each site on the Internet that even mentions their game's name? I seriously do not understand why they'd file a lawsuit against Daily Radar, which does nothing but promote their products and post hundreds of thousands of links to buy their games. Hell, last time I checked, there wasn't a single link on Daily Radar that DIDN'T lead to a site where you could buy Pokemon. In fact, I don't even think Daily Radar is an online magazine anymore -- it's just a gigantic redirect to places that sell stuff.

Despite all this, Nintendo just couldn't help coming down on them and threatening a legal bitchslap if they didn't remove every single Pokemon graphic, picture, screenshot, and "trademark violation." I sat in my chair for six hours, desperately trying to brainstorm why Nintendo would go balls out and take such a drastic measure. Okay, maybe I wasn't exactly brainstorming, but I did have my pants off at the time, and I usually do all my best thinking when I lack pants.

Then it suddenly hit me like a ton of pillows (a ton of pillows weighs exactly the same as a ton of bricks, so it had the same effect): Daily Radar was facing the consequences of writing the world's most stupid article, "The 20 Gnarliest Torture Devices of All Time." In case you missed this wonderful feature the first time it ran (and you probably did if you're not currently in prison for attempting to assassinate the editor of Daily Radar), they tried to break up the "ho hum" monotony of reporting on video game ads and women's breasts by offering a look at the 20 most disturbing torture devices of all time. Just like in the Nintendo lawsuit, I can't help but ask myself, "why?" Why on God's green Earth would Daily Radar choose to suddenly publish an article about the top ways to mutilate and murder somebody? Who actually agreed to write this awful monstrosity and post it up on the site? How does something so horrible come to be?

DAILY RADAR EDITOR: "I'm really happy with how our online magazine is going. We've managed to successfully confuse 98% of our viewing audience so they no longer can tell if a link will send them to an advertisement or another piece of content. However, I just can't help but feeling that something is... missing. How has the public responded to our recent advertising blitz?"

PROFESSIONAL WRITER SCOTT DeVANEY, WHO IS ALSO PROBABLY A JET PILOT: "A lot of people have written in complaining that visiting our site is similar to torture."

DAILY RADAR EDITOR: "If so many people are writing in and talking about torture, that must mean that they're interested in various torture techniques!"

PROFESSIONAL WRITER SCOTT DeVANEY, WHO IS ALSO PROBABLY A NUCLEAR TECHNICIAN: "Maybe I should write an article detailing the most disgusting and terrible torture devices of all time! Then our magazine will seem slightly less painful by comparison!"

DAILY RADAR EDITOR: "Excellent idea! Try to include URL links to purchase these torture devices online."

At that point I imagine Professional Writer Scott DeVaney would probably just stare at the editor and wonder how he was able to hyperlink certain words in his oral conversation. If I had to guess, I would imagine it probably had something to do with the Bitboy's latest bullshit idea (NOTE TO SELF: make fun of Bitboys more). However, it's not my place to speculate how the editor of Daily Radar can manage to defy all laws of physics; it's my job to run an unsuccessful entertainment site. I assume that Nintendo's legal team, which consists of over 500,000 lawyers continuously replacing the yardsticks lodged up their ass every hour, were tipped off by a concerned parent who noticed the indirect link between Pikachu's evolution and cutting a person in half by sawing through their groin while they hang upside-down. To test this Nintendo legal theory, I am going to post a mini-gallery of the torture devices featured in the Daily Radar article along with various assorted characters from Pokemon (as drawn by Bobby, age 8). Nintendo legal team, if you're ready for a lawsuit, Leonard Crabs will be reading and waiting for your inevitable threats. I can't wait to see the look on your face when he busts free from your closet and stabs you with a particularly sharp comb that he whittled from a ripe oak tree last Spring.

Misty in the "Hanging Cage"
Pikachu enjoying the "Head Crusher" (NOTE: blood trails added for emphasis)

Meowth being burned at the stake.

Yablonski Hits the Milestone!

Cliff Yablonski, the man, the legend, the hero, has hit a milestone: 100 pages of people he hates. Yup, the big one-zero-zero. That breaks down to Cliff's documented hatred of exactly 600 people in his hometown of Appleton City. I'm sure you can imagine the raw excitement his email message to me contained.

From: cliff yablonski
Subject: 100

hey shithead,

Ive finally got to page 100 of people I just cannot stand. 100 pages of low-life dregs, retarded simps, and other human wastes of skin and cartilage. post a link to the six new pages of people I hate or your parents are going to discover your rotting corpse inside a waste barrel tomorrow morning.


Oh that Cliff Yablonski. What a card! Make sure to head right on over and discover the six new pages of people Cliff hates, then congratulate the old bastard on hitting the 100-page mark! Sniff... this day will go down in history, I'm sure of it.

ICQ Prank? ICQ Prank!

Having gone through a brief dry spell of ICQ spammers who would fall for my idiotic pranks, I recently came up aces with Roy and his attempt to make me visit his life insurance website. My goal: to appear to be the absolute most horrendous credit risk in the history of mankind. Did I succeed in that goal?

Roy - Do you have heart problems or medical conditions like those?

Lowtax - You're damn straight I do. All kinds of crazy shit. I get worked up over the Raiders game and start crushing lawn furniture, so my wife tells me to calm down and the next thing you know I've passed out and fallen down and knocked over the birdbath. I have anger problems, Roy, probably because every single person in my life continually disappoints me and shits me off to no damn end. There's only so much disappointment a man can take, Roy.

Roy - What kind of medication are you currently on?

Lowtax - Some white pills, a few blue ones, and one orange tab thingy. I don't usually take the orange one because when I start drinking I can't see anything because of the damn spots everywhere. It's enough to make a man crazy.

Decide for yourself.

Hosted Site Mayhem!

Look at all this hosted site goodness!

Bjørnar B. has updated with about four new drawings, including one for you Counter-Strike fans out there! I mean, just look at this description!

D. Duck shoots on his dear loved nevus becuase they are mudding Wheat bread all over the gras in the Garden. (Wheat Bread (very unhealthy for bloodtype 0 and A.)

There's no Fat Uncle Jubalon but oh well, I guess you can't have everything.

Taco the Wonderdog has a whole bunch of new stuff, and like usual, I'm not really sure what any of it is. Mainly it consists of mp3s, but there could very well be other stuff buried in there. Maybe you can find out.

– Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka (@TwitterHasBannedAllMyAccountsEver)

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