When last we left our hero, he'd just swallowed a testicle and spared a fallen opponent. Only one of those activities was in character for the Bastard Elf, so as we resume our story, he has decided that rather letting his humbled foe live, he will instead sentence him to death by repulsive torture. From this gruesome opening to the grand finale, it's a fast-paced final arc that features drunken dwarfs, intrigue, romance, and reunions. Please enjoy the dramatic conclusion of Sword of the Bastard Elf!


We need to decide what to do next:

1) What to do about our beaten adversary
2) Should we continue on to Bilgeton with the caravan or do something else?

Mojo Threepwood

Let's chain the prisoner to the front of the lead wagon, and use our medical skills to set up an ongoing blood transfusion between him and the skeleton driver. Harvest elf ribcages and make them into a xylophone for a skeleton to play at the front of a wagon, and stretch elf pelts over spare barrels to make a drum set for another skeleton wagon to jam on.

Then onward to Bilgeton!


Looks as though we'll be doing this, then. It's only possible if you have one of the items that establishes you as a psychopath, which of course we have.

We get the elf's sword and a pamphlet about a certain milkman. Combining the swords we (somehow) get the ultimate weapon:

And since y'all asked for it, on to probably the most disgusting entry in the entire game book:

We're now approaching Bilgeton, a walled city that will probably have a guard that may or may not be looking for us depending on whether anyone saw us committing our various crimes.

Anyway, what's the plan?


1. Obviously we trim the pixie hide cloak with elf skin, creating a wearable tapestry of genocide.

2. We take the WAR CARAVAN right to the front gate, music blaring and blood bag leading the way, and deliver the goods as promised like what we're doing is PERFECTLY NORMAL.


Having picked up the elf skins we combine those with the pixie cloak to create:

It's a lot fancier and less likely to get us monstered if we actually do get into Bilgeton. Plus, it allows us to slaughter defenceless creatures with far greater ease. Since we mostly pick on defenceless things, this is good news.

More Photoshop Phriday

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful