James Bond Jr.

At a Glance: I have been getting a flood of emails regarding my integrity as a gaming journalist. Disregard my twenty-four carat "I am not a gaming journalist" award made out of aluminum foil and toothpaste. Disregard the fact that the only fanmail I receive are emails I write myself while wearing a wig and a floral dress. At the center of my very being is a man who creates quality gaming journalism for the bargain price of absolutely nothing, dear readers. But when my integrity is questioned, I must respond. Therefore, to keep my standing in the gaming journalism world intact, I have decided to review James Bond Jr. for the NES the way true gaming journalists do - by not playing the game at all.

Platform: NES (Download Emulator here - 192k)

Download: Download ROM here - 133k

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Game Plot: What? What can this be? All of the world's scientists have been kidnapped by the terrorist group S.C.U.M! (As there is a very slight possibility that maybe one of you may not have memorized the acronym by heart, S.C.U.M stands for Selling Crack Unto Minors, an organization built upon selling deadly narcotics in a historically accurate Shakespearian fashion.) The world's leaders sought no help from the NSA, MI5, OPEC, KGB, BFF, or my mother. They knew that the only person capable of rescuing all the vaguely described "top scientists" is someone in their teenage years, with tons of 'tude and a mullet. There is only one teenager besides Alexandre Tipps of Fairway Lane, Connecticut apartment #3 that I am not stalking whose scalp is powerful enough to handle the mullet needed to rescue these scientists. Thank the stars James Bond Junior was available since his band class was canceled.

Enemies: No enemy is beyond the skills of James Bond Junior. I suggest you leave the room for suggesting it&

Weapons: Welcome back. Rule #1211 of Sneaky Sam's Spy manual clearly states: "Infiltration cannot happen unless you are armed with gadgets." James Bond Junior always listens to the words of the wise, so James is armed to his retainer that he sleeps with (don't tell the girls at school). Just his hand alone contains enough weaponry to level any lunch-stealing bully or terrorist overlord or both. Under his fingernails he keeps buzz saws to cut through any ropes that could bind him, his cuticles can be taken off and stretched out into ropes so he cross any chasm, his index finger doubles as a radio so he can listen to the big game while doing his job, and his thumb is a wine cooler so he can take a break after a long day of spying. I will leave the rest of his body, his mind, and his special attachments (now for only $19.99!) up to your imagination.

Levels: Each level demanded more and more from James Bond Junior than that day he forgot his gym clothes and the biggest nerd girl in class kept hounding him to go the dance with her. Can a cool spy guy ever get a break? James disabled a volcano gun, disassembled a nuclear bomb, slide down a cliff on an exact replica of the Trojan horse that had a nuclear bomb in it, had a very challenging game of chess with a computer (which had a nuclear bomb in it), and finally took very quick nap on a nuclear bomb before fighting the leader of S.C.U.M.M himself!

Bosses: Brandishing a flaming sword/bazooka (or el flambé swordzooka), the leader of S.C.U.M arrives riding on the back of a large saber tooth corgi whose breath could turn a man to stone. Cackling with glee he reads a quote from "Macbeth" in such an astounding way I was instantly reduced to one hit point. My health nearly in ruins and my trip to Stratford-upon-Avon securely booked, I was almost finished. Luckily, the greatest skill of James Bond Junior is cunning. Using information I had retrieved from earlier in the game, I could pinpoint the S.C.U.M leader's ultimate weakness: being shot. So I shot him and the day was saved!

Defining Moment: Actually playing the game and realizing how everything I just wrote is a lie. A horrible, horrible lie. The reason why so many game reviews must come out so positive is because they never actually play the game. Or they're being silently forced to say otherwise in order to get ad revenue from the companies they review games of in the face of a market flooded with rival video game publications.

Each category in the rating system is based out of a possible -10 score (-10 being the worst). The overall score is based out of a possible -50 score (-50 being the worst).

– Kevin "The Goblin" Wilson