Santa rushed back to the North Pole, but he was too late. Christmas Town had fallen upon hard times.

Where once joyful carols were met with cheers... they ended in blood and tears.

Those who tried to escape were shot.

And those terrible, terrible ovens never ceased to burn, nor send roiling black smoke streaking across the greasy sky.

Yes, there was no Yuletide cheer in Christmas Town this year.

Santa, in a selfless effort to save his beloved helpers, surrendered and begged his captors for mercy.

Now he lies tortured in their gulag.

And as we Christmas elves cried their little Christmastime tears...

...the South Pole warriors ruled with violence and fear.

Thus began the long, terrible reign of Neva Braun, fascist ice queen of all the arctic.

And so ends my story as well, for I can hear the troops of Neva Braun knocking at my chamber door. If it pleases posterity, know that I lived well, and only molested that one doll in a moment of youthful indiscretion. May this letter someday, in a kinder time when our strife is but lore and legend, find its way to the eyes of those who care, so that this infernal travesty may never, ever happen again.

Thanks to:

  • Ignavus, for the video and much of the legwork and photos. Unfortunately, Ignavus, who has been the creative force behind much of the Safari, will be taking an indefinite hiatus to combat a severe illness. Hopefully he doesn't die because if he did I'd probably have to fill out some corollary paperwork or some shit because I contributed to his death by making him find funny stuff for me.
  • Esa Jaza, Zorak, Two Worlds, Felch Tragedy, Banrai, and the rest of the SLS goons for their contributions.
  • Anshe Chung, for being such an enormous bitch as to file a DMCA claim against me for this video from this article, and getting the old SLS YouTube account deleted. Here is the new one. Luckily, Anshe bit off more than she can chew.
  • Prokofy Neva, for threatening me with libel. It's nice to be loved.
  • – Chris "Petey" Peterson

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