State Og Update: 03.15.03

Let The Pain Begin

Much like the duck-billed platypus, State Og is a warm blooded mammal which lays eggs. And although none of us here are able to discern the difference between living beings and inanimate entities, we are committed to bringing you fresh Og every single week. Thanks this week go to: Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Assistant Grip Boy), Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Catering), Matt "Krang" Eckert (Man In Bow Tie #2), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (Mr. Reeves' Stunt Double), and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Angry Groom #3).

Contingency Plans

In last Sunday's front page update by Ben "Greasnin" Platt, the topic of a possible terrorist attack upon Something Awful was brought up, as were State Og's possible plans in the event of such an incident. While I can't comment on the particulars of our plans for security reasons, I will say that mutants are indeed involved. Whether or not we plan to strap them onto the bumpers of automated cars which are programmed to crash into each other for seemingly no purpose is entirely speculation. One plan I can share is the tactical relocation of the state of Arizona via airlift to an undisclosed Antarctic region. The reason we feel it's safe to disclose this plan is that we armed Arizona with missiles, and you'd be crazy to fuck with a missile-equipped Arizona. I mean, missiles are at least twice as big as bullets, and they explode.

If for some reason State Og suffers an attack which is so severe that we cannot possibly survive, we have vowed to haunt Something Awful's headquarters for all of eternity. Why? Because a friendship like the one shared between our organizations never really dies, even if all of us do. We have many wide ranging haunteriffic activities planned, such as placing our ghost penises in the ears of sleeping SA staff members, and placing our ghost penises in the ears of waking SA staff members. Actually, we haven't really planned anything else to do once we're ghosts, but since we'll be dead we'll have plenty of time to think of more ideas, provided they somehow involve ghost penis.

A Pyramid Scheme That's MMM MMM Good

Tired of being more broke than Idaho? Tried every pyramid scheme out there to make some cash, yet come up empty-handed every time? Well those days are in the past, as State Og is proud to announce the creation of the Multi Level Money Making Pyramid Plan! What sets the MLMMPM (the extra 'M' is for Money!) apart from other pyramid schemes is that participation in it guarantees riches so vast Middle Eastern oil barons will slap their faces and go, "Whaaaaaaaa???"

As a signee to the MLMMPM all you have to do is sign up all your friends. Then, when the time is right all signees will be called to the Nevada desert to help build a massive pyramid for our great God Emperor, Jonclore the Unstoppable. Years of back-breaking work will pay off when the last huge stone is finally dragged into place, sealing all those who worked on the structure within its walls for the rest of their natural lives. When The Holy Seer of All Things Seeable passes from this life to the next, He will be buried among all your corpses. For your sacrifice you shall receive limitless wealth, sluts and PlayStations* in the afterlife, all of which would be much cooler if you could buy, screw or play Tony Hawk in death. However, you will be able to show off to the Christians for the rest of eternity.

*PlayStation 2s are unavailable at this time, however there's plenty of really good games for the PSOne so it's all good.

Memo: State Og Scavenger Hunt

To: Employees in the San Antonio, Texas region
From: Your Lords and Saviors at State Og

Everyone loves scavenger hunts, especially when the hunt involves prizes for the perceptive winner, like say a vacation to Belgium* for its much praised "Belgian hotdogs and syrup" meal. That’s right, if you win this State Og Scavenger Hunt your entire family (or friends, but your party must be equal to four people) will enjoy a trip to the great pyramids which are famous in the home of the Brussels sprout, to witness firsthand the annual virginal sacrifice to the Belgium god Tootsie! Too good to be true? Well not for our hard working employees.

As for the actual scavenger hunt, your task this year is to find ten proximity mines scattered throughout your city. The worker who brings us the most out of the ten will win the grand prize. Good luck and happy hunting to all San Antonio employees!

*Note: There is one thing State Og must point out before the trip, as we were almost sued last time by the winners. Once you arrive in a chartered jet near an airport at the pyramids of Belgium, you will meet a wise cracking street child who will, from this point on, be your tour guide through the enormous country of Belgium (twice the size of Texas). Do not be afraid to ask him all your questions about landmarks and hotdogs; after a quick and witty riposte, he will be happy to answer your query. His retorts are usually over soon and leave you with some of your dignity intact, although what is left of it may be ambiguous at best. As for a sample of what he might say, all of his comments are completely tailored to your family. Here are some things he said to last year’s winning family, who suffered from anorexia: “Yeah, sure, I’ll tell you when your train is supposed to arrive to take you to Brussels, but keep in mind they need a special, huge train to transport your and your family’s fat asses which may or may not arrive until tomorrow,” and (while scribbling on a notepad and pen, looking genuinely interested) , “So… which one of you needed to sit double-wide at the theater? Hmm?” Then he looked at the family, tipping his stylish Belgium shades down so he could peek over the top and said, “Oh. So, eight seats then?” Other than these trivial insults, the boy will be a competent guide throughout your vacation.

Empowering The Impoverished

Each year, we guess that as many as ten million children drop dead in Africa because they had the unfortunate luck of starving before they had the chance to be murdered by rival tribes. Children whose sole purpose in life was to hold a State Og rifle in hand and take the life of another child, also holding a State Og rifle. A timeless and honorable conflict among young gentlemen should not be ended by an act of God, it should be settled by the children who wish to fight for the glory of whatever it is that they have over there.

State Og has found a way to halt hunger's cold grip from taking these children before their destiny of genocide has been fulfilled. We have invented the Baby Mech Armor. Baby Mech Armor is lightweight and easy enough for a baby to use. It operates by interpreting the baby's movements and then transforming the random flailing of the baby to the combative equivalent of a nine-year old child. Baby Mech Armor is completely customizable to each individual baby's personal tastes, and is guaranteed for the life of the user (2 months). We believe that Baby Mech Armor is the first step toward ending world hunger.

It's Time To Pay The Price

In order to execute a human being in most Western countries, it is required that they be tried for a capital crime before a jury of their peers. Once convicted that person then rots in prison, working on an appeal and teaching Tom Hanks how to love and pee comfortably. Finally the big day arrives and they are poisoned, fried, hung, shot or beheaded before a small audience of friends and well wishers.

This process takes many years and a lot of money; years and money that could have been spent teaching the world how to properly fold their laundry. That's why we at State Og are here to simplify things. After all, what has due process ever given you? All it's ever given us is massive fines and censures due to huge class action lawsuits! Thanks to Og all that rigmarole goes out the window with the release of the Home Execution Kit. The Home Execution Kit is the cheap, easy, and convenient answer to all your execution needs. No messy justice system or guys with baseball bats are required! All you have to do is trap a murderer, rapist, arsonist, fat kid, or Jew in your home somehow, and then select from one of the wide variety of executions available!

Is electrocution your style? The Home Execution Kit comes with almost two feet of high quality copper wiring! Just stick one end in the criminal's mouth or ear or random orifice and the other end into a nearby light socket and watch the fireworks! Perhaps you prefer the classy method of lethal injection. No problem! The included really sharp pencil will allow you to gouge open a hole in any major vein, into which you can pour any variety of household cleaners you may have around the house! Try using Lemon Pledge to keep your house smelling springtime fresh for days! These are only two of the nearly dozen options available to you! With the Home Execution Kit you're free to pick a different killing method for every day of the week, or just find one that works for you! That's the kind of freedom of choice State Og is dedicated to bringing you, the unwitting slave to our desires.

Order a Home Execution Kit today and receive a Cooking With Joe Geryon cookbook free*!

*required portions of Joe Geryon are $19.95 an ounce

UPDATE: State Og's New Children's Show

Let it not be said that Mr. Chuckles is afraid to get down on the ground and play with the children.Well, State Og has just finished filming it’s new educational kids program. Of course we’re talking about the new show featuring everyone’s favorite mockery of nature, Mr. Chuckles. While some of you have questioned the wisdom of putting a part-man, part-crocodile monster in charge of a group of children and then filming him as he gives educational lectures and takes the kids on field trips, we believe this is unfair. Despite what people have been saying, Mr. Chuckles has never killed anyone, and we would like to remind you that until bodies are found all alleged “victims” are technically “missing persons” in the eyes of the of law.In the show, children often learn more than one lesson at a time. Here the children learn about animals and how to swim. Do we really need to tell you that is not a dolphin's dorsal fin?So, what kind of fun-filled learning experience did the children participating on the show enjoy? Well before filming started the kids were a bit nervous, but they became more relaxed as time went on. Especially after Chuckles made his dramatic entrance by smashing through one of the windows of the studio with what appeared to be a severed human leg securely clenched in his powerful maw. As it turned out, the leg belonged to the director we hired to make the show, and as he begged Mr. Chuckles to give his leg back in hopes that it could be surgically reattached, Mr. Chuckles gave the kids their first lesson in both social and negotiation skills. Chuckles refused to return the limb until the director agreed to get an Xbox, three additional controllers, ten games, and twenty pounds of candy for his “precious little friends.” When this deal was sealed, the children cried out in joy, and the proverbial ice was broken.

We don’t want to spoil the show too much, so you’ll just have to watch it when it airs next season. Also, we’re still accepting auditions for children co-stars. For some reason, all of the children from the first show mysteriously disappeared.

- State Og Representative