State Og Update: 05.10.03

We Built This Og on Rock N Roll

Welcome once again to State Og, where we rock so hard that we go all the way to 11! The dial's broke though, so once we get that loud you can't really turn us back down. Sorry. Thanks this week go to: Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (who he thinks killed JFK: a tiger), Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (time traveling Ghandi), Brett "Nimmo" Hurban (JFK's evil mustached twin brother), Matt "Krang" Eckert (JFK's evil mustached twin sister), and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (Neil Armstrong landed on the moon early and sniped him from atop a grassy moon-knoll).

1-800-DRIVE-OG

At State Og we like to solve problems the old fashioned way: with brutality and unchecked viciousness. That’s why our brand new roadside assistance program is here to help! Next time your car breaks down on the side of the highway or your battery dies or you slam your penis in the door eighteen times just call 1-800-DRIVE-OG and in a few short hours our fully qualified team of specialists will be on the scene! State Og technicians are the best in the business, but as always, we have gone the extra mile! Not only are each and every one of our roadside assistants highly skilled mechanics, they’re also genuine savage Vikings!

Yes, almost every ounce of the retarded devotion we have to quality went into selecting candidates for this exciting new program, and every single new hire was an axe-wielding Nordic savage! No other roadside assistant will loudly bellow tales of past slaughter while they mangle the radiator out of your car with a battle axe. What’s more, our service won’t cost you an arm and a leg, unless it does, but at least you’ll get the good parking spots! Don’t worry folks, that’s a little Viking humor; our technicians only accept payment in living flesh, peeled from your back faster than you can say, “Ouch!”

Next time your car stalls or gets shot up by some kind of automated kill droid call 1-800-DRIVE-OG for the solution for all your woes!

Convenience Made Convenient

The hot and hazy days of summer are almost upon us again, and State Og is here to make sure that you don’t sweat your goddamn balls off! All summer long your local Ez-Og convenience store, home of the flesh burrito and the Bucket O’ Lava, will be offering a brand new taste sensation: the Slushie! A lot of companies will tell you that they’ve been selling Slushies long before we’d even been in the convenience store business, but we think you’ll find there’s nothing quite like a State Og Slushie, in a very legally-binding way!

Our tasty treats come in tantalizing flavors like Overwhelming Oatmeal, Powerful Paint and Exciting Old Man! What’s more, every cup has a very decent chance of containing an incredible prize, like a gold ring, silver necklace, shredded wallet, clump of hair or severed finger! And even if you don’t get a prize, everybody wins a little something: tetanus! Also, like all State Og food products, the State Og Slushie can be taken orally or rectally!

Head to your neighborhood Ez-Og today and experience the State Og difference in an enormous eight-gallon cup!

Karma Bots

How many times has the following happened to you? You’re preparing for an important business meeting, studying for a big final exam at school, or putting into action the final touches of your scheme to murder your own father. Suddenly you become worried that all your efforts will fall apart while you say to yourself, “Oh dear, all of my decisions and actions in life, so far, have been motivated only by earthly desires, my clinging fear of loss, and my attachment to what can be categorized as my “self.” I sure hope all the negative energy I radiate out into the universe through my actions doesn’t boomerang around on me and smack my sorry ass at an awkward time, like in the form of a super-sleuth detective showing up while I’ve got my hands firmly gripped around dad’s throat or while I’m cheating on a biology test.” Well, worry no more, you patricidal scholar! You can assure success in all your future endeavors thanks to us, State Og!

To help people like you, we sought out and gathered hundreds of Buddhist monks and interviewed them so we could develop a self-help computer program based on their teachings. After several minutes, our team of developers decided that they wanted an early lunch, so they decided to stop the boring dialogue and finish the whole project early with an alternate plan: imprisoning each monk’s soul in a robot. While this plan actually ended up taking four years longer than what was planned for the original program – don’t worry, they still got their early lunch on that first day – we now have a new product to sell: the MKG-338 Automatic Karma-Distribution Robot.

What can our new robot do for you? What can’t it do for you, my friend? For starters, the new MKG-338 will warn you whenever bad karma is on the way. For example, the next time you’ve got a hot date, the MKG-338 can alert you that the energies maintaining balance in the universe are going to punish your past acts, such as inseminating public library books or aiding and abiding Michael Jackson, by making sure your impending night of passion is topped of with a heaping helping of herpes. Yikes! Buy a MKG 338 Automatic Karma-Distribution Robot now and dodge those karmic bullets, before it’s too late.

But what, you ask, if I’ve done something really bad in the past like force-feeding elderly people their own excrement before skinning them alive to make a coat, or I author my own webcomic, or I make flash animations based on a webcomic? Is there any hope for a sinner like me? Well, if you can afford an MKG-338, the answer is yes! Not only will the MKG-338 warn you about negative karma, it will take matters into its own hands—by “hands” we mean titanium talons—and activate its “Flagellation Mode” and beat the bad karma out of you with its flailing arms until you reach karmic equilibrium. But equilibrium isn’t enough for you, is it? It’s not enough for State Og nor our robots, and it shouldn’t be for you. That’s why the MKG-338 will keep on thrashing you, not only until you have made up for all your past evil acts, but far beyond that point until the universe has no choice but to shower you with good karma for the rest of your live, or at least until your next robotic beating.

Buzzards For a Cleaner America

Buzzards have an amazing instinct that allows them to sense when an animal is about to die. Surely, we've all seen buzzards circling in the distance and either felt sorry for, or masturbated to the thought of a dying animal. But buzzards are a necessity. Without them we'd have carcasses everywhere. We must appreciate that their habit of eating dead flesh is cleaning our roads and parking lots.

But what would happen if several animals were to die in a small span of time, or if very few animals were to die over a long span of time? Buzzards can be easily overwhelmed by too many dying animals; leaving half eaten animals lying on our roads. Likewise, buzzards can starve during periods when too few animals die, leaving dead buzzards on our roads. The life cycle leaves too much to risk. We must find a way to allow the buzzards to clean our city streets year round. And we have.

Our new enhanced buzzards not only can tell when a creature is about to die, but the very act of them circling over any living thing actually causes the target to die. Our new buzzards can simply circle around anything they want, and be able to eat it within the hour. How does it work? We're not sure. We just found this one buzzard that could magically kill things, and we bred him. We don't care to find out how it happens. We are just happy that it works, and we'll let the scientists figure out the rest.

We have already begun the process of releasing these birds into several communities, at no cost to you. We'll also be releasing our buzzard laser to the public very soon. Simply point the laser at the target group or individual and the buzzards will circle the group or individual, and then clean them off the street once they have perished. In our research, we have found it very effective in stopping parades.

Sharks Don't Have Feet

We here at State Og are proud to bring you the latest in rain-stopping technology due to our breakthrough formula of substances that, when poured over your body, will create a waterproof bubble with a diameter of five feet around you. No longer do you need to carry an umbrella, ruin your dress, or have wet gay sex during a downpour!

To insure maximum rain-stopping capability, State Og tested its new formula on a group of tropical sharks known as the hammerhead. Soon realizing that tropical sharks might need water to survive, State Og quickly threw salt in the eyes of the witnesses and captured the sharks to administer the cure perfected by a group of animators in the mid-nineties: a set of lungs for processing oxygen in the air and a pair of legs and feet. In addition, we mutated the sharks from normal sized sharks to incredibly large sharks for no reason whatsoever. Now that the first phase of testing was over, we moved on to the next: human testing.

For the second phase, we asked several civilians to select which tasted the best: Pepsi or schooling fish such as herring and menhaden that we taped to their bodies. Directly afterwards, we set the sharks loose on those who we gave the blindfolded Pepsi challenge. This proved our theory: sharks like to eat fish and people, at the same time. Conclusive evidence for the waterproof bubble was still an issue however, even after these two tests.

Since State Og was no closer to successfully testing the product than it was in the beginning, we decided to go all out in our third phase. We implanted a mind control device in the overgrown hammerheads and set them loose upon an island in the middle of the Atlantic. The isle was full of savage people who resided in huts and lived off natural resources. The sharks had one imperative: force the natives to consume the State Og Waterproof Bubble Formula. However, unforeseen war erupted on the island between the shark people and the inhabitants after the sharks found a way to disable their mind control devices (via the jaw movement loophole), resulting in ruthless bloodshed. As one native put it, “Why do the gods release these shark demons upon us in our time of need?” Why indeed, good savage, why indeed. It is true that the gods can be as merciless as gigantic, walking sharks. The unfortunate, celestial circumstances that State Og had no control over prevented further research on the formula.

True to our word, we have nonetheless released the State Og Waterproof Bubble Formula to the world, even without proper testing. Be sure to pick some up at your nearest State Og retailer, and remember: we need your feedback!

Let State Og and Jeff K. Protect Your PC!

In this day and age, protecting your digital information is as important as brushing your teeth or wearing several layers of socks at all times. After all, we've all gotten that call late at night from a friend who has not only lost his computer to the "matrix", but got his penis caught in it as well. How did that even happen? What can you do to protect yourself from a similar problem? Was his penis caught in the computer or the matrix? These are all questions.

In an effort to help clueless people such as yourself protect their precious illegal porn, State Og has teamed up with the world's top security expert Jeff K. to deliver MEGATON, the most powerful computer security product ever created. Jeff was given an unlimited budget for this project, and the result of the past four months appears to be a washing machine with a crude potato gun of some sort duct-taped to the side. Scrawled across the front with a marker is the fear-inducing phrase, "EAT MY POEP... FAGGO!"

Taking Jeff's design and injecting State Og's unique touch into the mix, we made the washing machine actually work when it plugs in, as well as wildly spurt streams of sulfuric acid at random intervals. No hacker will be able to get near your computer now, and neither will you! In addition to this incredible piece of technology, you'll receive a companion cd chock full of programs selected by Jeff himself. In the "WAREZ" folder is a demo for the original Doom, and the "SECuraTY" folder contains a non-working .exe for Notepad. We have been assured that "noterpad can do anythign", and that Doom "lets yuo shoots spaec zombies but their is NO HITLER WFT?!?."

Mass production on MEGATON begins this summer, so start saving now!- State Og Representative