State Og Update: 05.15.04

State Og

This week's State Og update is brought to you by Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson and Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell, two people who have never been photographed together while wearing pirate hats made out of newspaper. Coincidence?

To Boldly Go Where No Gerbil Has Gone Before

Before the dawn of the 20th century, State Og was a leading pioneer in the field of space exploration, starting when a young clerk named Silas P. Hornfelkner III placed his favorite pet gerbil, Philippi, into the very first State Og spacesuit and propelled him into history as the world’s first cosmogerbil. Sadly, Philippi died in his brave attempt to reach orbit shortly after leaving the muzzle of Hornfelkner’s shotgun. Following this tragedy, Silas P. Hornfelkner III swore that no gerbil would ever die again in the race to put an animal in space and immediately petitioned Og’s ever-so-frugal board of directors with an ambitious plan to build a shotgun large enough for a robust man to fit inside its barrel.

Once the giant “Boomstick of the Titans” was complete, Hornfelkner surprised everyone by volunteering to be the first to use it to travel to the moon. Furthermore, he would do so not wearing a protective spacesuit, but only his new experimental space loincloth and he claimed wouldn’t even wear that “unless space turns out to be a lot colder than I thought.” But there were even more surprises in store, as on the fateful minute that he was to be fired at the moon, Hornfelkner leaped out of the giant shotgun, pushed it over and with it shot the entire State Og board of directors. Since he was the only employee at Og who wasn’t on the board of directors, Silas P. Hornfelkner III, as the only surviving employee, became the president of State OG…and the janitor for all that it matters.

Unfortunately, Hornfelkner’s first action as the dictator of State Og was to pull the plug on Og’s fledgling space program out of fear that others would use it to cleverly usurp his power as he had done. Due to his new found paranoid luddism, science was set back a couple of minutes and Og has played few overt roles in humanity's quest to escape the earth’s bounds…until now that is. At this moment, we have nearly completed the State Og Philippe Memorial Space Station and have sent several probes out to explore the solar system and relay our latest infomercials to the denizens of planets where value maybe a thing unknown.

State Og's film production division asked me to pass along word of their newest motion picture: Asian People - Myth or Reality? I'm not sure why they asked me to pass it along or how it got made since I shut down the division last year and had their cameras confiscated. Don't get me wrong, I'd like to finally know whether Asian people are real or just a clever hoax created with mirrors and trick photography, but when I fire someone they have to stay fired.

After receiving numerous complaints from supervillians worldwide, we've made some changes to the Slo-Dunk Vat 3000. This industrial device had previously lowered pesky do-gooders into acid or lava at a frustrating rate of ten inches per minute, but after fixing an issue with the timing belt, it now dunks them at an optimal twelve feet per second. It is recommended that you adjust your final speeches to accomodate the change, making sure to reveal your evil plans BEFORE activating the dunking mechanism.

From time to time, State Og likes to gauge the opinion of the people on important topics with an informal poll. This week, I decided to do things a little differently and headed to Mexico, where I asked 1,000 people: "How has the proliferation of technology over the last decade changed your life?"

Results
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67% - "Que?"
22% - "No habla Englais."
11% - (sold me a coconut with googley eyes pasted on/stabbed me in the face)

The answer to last week's Disney Movie Quote trivia question was: "Shut the fuck up, Donny." Didn't get it right? Don't worry kids, there's always next week!

As of this week, the Disney Movie Quote trivia question has been pulled from State Og. I realize that the section was popular, but the decision was purely based on space restrictions. There is just not enough available room on the internet right now.

With the recent mistreatment of Iraqi prisoners, we thought we'd help do our part to better the world by putting together a simple guide for you all to follow should the situation arise in your day-to-day life:

1. If you see an Iraqi prisoner heading toward you on the sidewalk, cross the street immediately.

2. If he crosses the street too, pretend to notice something interesting in a shop window.

3. He will either walk by or ask you for the time/to unlock his handcuffs. Do NOT remove his clothes, cover his head, then embarass and torture him. If you need to, close your eyes and count to ten until he's gone.

Congratulations! You've just narrowly avoided giving ammunition to dumbfucks everywhere who think recent horrific events actually represent our country as a whole. It was hard work to pass up a sweet opportunity like that, but it's over now. Good job.

After careful consideration, we're issuing a recall for the following products this month: The Amazing Patented Patent Forger, Og Brand Reversible Condoms, and Fudgey, the Happy Fudge Snack Made Entirely of Asbestos. If you have any of these products in your home, calmly get up and walk out of the house immediately, being sure not to make eye contact with them.