What's Currently Working In Halo: The Master Chief Collection

Sometimes a game is too busted to make fun of, its flaws so obvious that the game acts as its own observational humorist.

Pictured: Someone using functional software. In other words, sci-fi.

Enter Halo: The Master Chief Collection, from Microsoft (motto: "Push it out the door, these $99 Xbox Ones aren't selling") and 343 Industries, makers of Halo 4. You know, the video game that personified the question "Are you sure you care about Halo, and if so could you please tell us why?"

Pointing out that The Master Chief Collection is bad is akin to declaring that you are making a statement. No one is served by the effort. Technically a collection of four Halo games and their multiplayer components, The Master Chief Collection is in fact a menu that presents several buttons and submenus, each containing a fabulous array of errors and lock-ups.

The game was busted at launch and is still nowhere near fixed. In fact, it's not even ready to be properly made fun of. That's why I'm taking a different, positive angle today. Let's celebrate the parts of Halo: The Master Chief Collection that actually work!

• Once it has been placed inside the Xbox One, the game disc seems to spin in the correct direction.
• None of the campaign dialog has been edited to include racist language.
• Walls do not melt into psychadelic rainbow sludge, and the ground is almost always a solid surface that the player can walk across.
• The word "Halo" has been spelled correctly on the box, in promotional materials, and in many of the game's menus.
• Cortana's breasts still get progressively bigger throughout the series and her outfit gets progressively skimpier and ridiculous, making significant advancements in unnecessary detail with each game.
• At no point does the game try to connect to any Ubisoft servers or prompt you to log in to a Uplay account.
• When you first insert the game, there is a mandatory 20 gigabyte download. Not a patch with crucial game fixes, but an enormous content download to install assets that the publisher was too cheap to include on an additional disc. Does this sound like a complaint? No, I assure you, it isn't. This lengthy download is a blessing. It gives you plenty of time to think about things that aren't Halo: The Master Chief Collection.

Dragon Age: Inquisition
Would have been BioWare's best modern game if it had fully programmable AI tactics, so Inquisition will just have to live with being the best BioWare game since Mass Effect 2. 9/10

Far Cry 4
I would be more critical of this busywork quasi-sequel, but the setting is novel, the bad writing isn't quite as intrusive as it is in other Ubisoft games, and these birds are such enormous assholes that it's delightful. 7/10

Assassin's Creed: Unity
Video games are broken. 4/10

 Escape Dead Island
Nothing will ever be good again. 1/10

Halo: The Master Chief Collection
Did I mention games are broken, and everything is terrible? 3/10

Super Smash Brothers for Wii U
Video games are great! 9/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)