Witcher 3 Tips

Here's the surprising thing about Witcher 3: It's sort of big.

We managed to get Witcher 3 review code a few days before release, but we're still nowhere near done. This means our big stupid review will have to wait until next time.

In the meantime, my expert analysis of the game has uncovered a handful of pro tips that will make your Witchering much easier.

GREAT TIP: If you die, navigate to a save file and choose to load it. Voila! Now you're back in the game. This is known as Witcher magic, an innovative feature unique to the series.

EVEN BETTER TIP: Do not turn off the system if you want to keep playing. When the power is off you can't play the game, because it is not cloud computing enabled.

EXCLUSIVE WORLD PREMIERE TIP: Hold the controller so that the top is facing towards the tv and your thumbs are on the sticks. If you're using a keyboard and mouse, make sure they are turned upside down.

TIP SPONSORED BY DORITOS MAX URGE FLAVOR BLAST: If Geralt's voice isn't tough enough for your tastes, you can gargle a handful of fish tank gravel while he's speaking to double the effect. Obtain currency.

POSSIBLY TOO GOOD TIP: Trust every word that comes out of every character's mouth. When given a decision, always choose the very obvious good thing.

JUST AN AVERAGE TIP: You can give Geralt a shave and haircut. I haven't been able to pull it off yet, but just stand in a field and spin around while swinging your sword real fast. Eventually it should happen.

Which Windows 10 Version Is Best For Gaming?

Last week Microsoft finally unveiled the exciting, not at all overwhelming range of Windows 10 editions customers will be able to choose from:

  1. Windows 10 Home
  2. Windows 10 Park
  3. Windows 10 Desert
  4. Windows 10 Trapped Inside A Whale
  5. Windows 10 Business
  6. Windows 10 Pleasure
  7. Windows 10 With Holographic Notepad and Calculator
  8. Windows 10 Enterprise (Not That Enterprise, or the Other One)
  9. Windows 10 Hyper Burst Ultimate Anime Form
  10. Windows 10 Non-Chemtrail
  11. Windows 10 Operating System of the Year Edition
  12. Windows 10 Extremely Rare Foil Icons
  13. Windows 9 If You Really Want to be Pedantic About It
  14. Windows 10 For Dogs
  15. Windows 10 Tiny: The Future in 4 Pixels
  16. Windows 10 This One's Got Two Copies of Photo Viewer
  17. Windows 10 by Dre
  18. Windows 10 Multicultural w/ All Your Nonsense Languages
  19. Windows 10: The Origin of Spider-Man
  20. Windows 10 Just the Start Menu and Nothing Else
  21. Windows 10 The Disc Is 3,000,000 Copies of RegistrationKey.txt
  22. Windows 10 For Left-Handed Users
  23. Windows 10 Bing: Everyone's Using It, Really!
  24. Windows 10 With 1001 Pickle Screensavers
  25. Windows 10 Snarky and Abrasive and Doesn't Play by the Rules, But It's The Best Chance You Have of Finding Your Daughter Alive
  26. Windows 10 With Keyboard + Mouse Support
  27. Windows 10 What Is This Screaming Sound How Do I Disable It
  28. Windows 10 But Instead of a Glass UI It's All Butter

So if you primarily use Windows as a platform to play games on, which edition of Windows 10 should you buy?

There's only one choice. Sorry, I mean there are only ten choices.

  • Windows 10 vs Capcom
  • Windows 10: Origins Rising
  • Windows 10 Season Pass (Access to DirectX included for 1 year)
  • Windows 10 With Sexy Cortana Wallpaper Hubba Hubba
  • Windows 10 Retro Indie Edition
  • Windows 10 For Personality-Free Self Promoting Streamers
  • Windows 10 Open World - If You See a Spot On Your Desktop You Can Move Your Mouse Cursor There
  • Windows 10 Locked at 25fps and 792p
  • Windows 10 Games for Windows: This Time We're Serious, Unlike the Last Twelve Times We Said We Were Serious
  • Windows 10 Minecraft Edition (Minecraft Not Included)

Invisible, Inc.
It's like XCOM for people who like to sneak, hack, steal, and hide in broom closets, which in my experience is everybody. 7/10

Kerbal Space Program
The only valid Early Access project is now officially out, so can we finally back away from that flaming garbage pit of cynical opportunism? 9/10

 Attack on Titan: Humanity in Chains
I saw a few episodes of this anime and it was mostly people YELLING and GETTING VERY EMOTIONAL WITH NO BUILDUP so it's fitting that this is the sort of game that will MAKE YOU YELL AT YOUR 3DS. 1/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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