As Sony Stumbles, Microsoft Takes the Lead With Xbox Onesies

The Xbox Onesie is a terrific conversation piece. For instance, the next time you wander into the beige void with a console in hand and meet someone wearing an identical Xbox Onesie with embroidered gamertag, you'll have a perfect ice breaker. In the uncomfortable silence that follows, we suggest asking, "So... you like Xbox?"

Includes a pocket for controllers, conveniently labeled with a picture of a controller. This way you won't make the faux pas of pulling the video game controller out of the wrong Xbox Onesie pocket at your next social event.

The Xbox Onesie's sleeves are reinforced with padding to lessen the impact of prolonged periods of time in the classic Gamer's Stance (forearms on the ground, elevated pelvis wobbling in the air, knees and feet pressed against the wall behind you).

Windows Phone pocket, exclusively for the Windows Phone you definitely own, presumably to download Games for Windows Live from the Windows 10 Store. What happens if you raise your arm above shoulder level? Why, that activates the Quick Access feature.

Owning an Xbox Onesie increases the likelihood of decorating your home with tasteful artwork. It also renders you incapable of remembering how to use a couch.

As an added convenience, the colors of the Xbox Onesie become inverted when the user's disrupted brain patterns exceed the acceptable parameters. Prolonged exposure to the outfit after this point will result in permanent damage.

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)