Ask Emily: 01-22-2003

Mr. Ruby,I am ashamed to see that you are a lazy good-for-nothing slob and are unable to find this information for yourself. What with the amazing advances in technology and the bountiful resources obviously available to you on the internet and elsewhere, it is inexcusable for you to need my help to answer this question. Your answer is at your very fingertips! If you are not lazy then you are most certainly stupid, so you should take your pick and rectify the situation to the best of your ability. If it turns out that you are lazy you can just stop being lazy, but if you're stupid you might have to resort to more desperate measures such as huffing gasoline until you are able to see through tomorrow.A simple visit to the ever-popular amazon.com would have showed you that the book of love's actual (technical) title is, "The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love" and that it was written by a Ms. Jill Connor Browne. Ms. Browne has also written other very valuable books for helpless, dull females, but this book particularly contains indispensable guidance for young women, such as "The True Magic Words Guaranteed to Get Any Man to Do Your Bidding," and "The Five Men You Must Have in Your Life at All Times." It also contains many lovely recipes that you wenches out there (what are you doing reading this?! Get back in the kitchen!) can prepare dutifully in the hopes of gaining the favor of your husbands and avoid a beating for one more night. LAUGH OUT LOUD READING!If there are females out there in cybarrlande who are yearning to be brainwashed into blissful ignorance by this banal-sounding grrrly-book, I will warn you that the readers who have reviewed it via Amazon are pretty happy with it, so be prepared to leave your angst at page one and trade it in for a grrl-badge and tampon. The readers of Ms. Browne's work have banded together in a feminine clique held together by menstruation and ice cream, so be careful where you tread. But if it's helpful love advice you seek, "The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love" is sure to have all of the answers, all of the answers being, "Appoint yourself the queen of whatever, stock up on comfort food, and read this book." I CAN'T WAIT TO EAT THAT ICE CREAM, WATCH "BEACHES," PUT OFF SHAVING MY LEGS, AND READ THIS BOOK.

Best book ever written.