Hi there, Happy Holidays, and welcome to yet another exciting Ask Emily column in which I use my amazing powers of perception and lack of a gag reflex to answer any questions that you crazies have thrown at me. For the record again, just in case any of you are stupid (although the presence of a few stupid folks amid the rest of the not-as-stupids is usually just the way things go around here), these are actual letters sent to me by real people from cyberlande.

As usual, if you have any questions that you think I could answer or even any that you think I couldn't answer, please don't hesitate to email me at askemily@somethingawful.com and I will either answer you or find someone who can. Remember, your questions can be about anything you'd like. When I say "anything," I really mean it, bub.

On to the lettorzz!

Hello Phatty,Since you said "teenage love" I'll assume that you're still in high school, full of angst, riddled with acne, confused about life's true purpose, and all of that other fun stuff that goes along with the fancy free world of being a teen. Finding the courage to ask out a female is tough at that age and it's also (realistically) kind of a fruitless endeavor seeing as most people don't end up marrying their high school sweethearts or even having long-term, meaningful relationships with them. But, being involved with the opposite sex as a teen can teach you some valuable lessons so that when you grow up and do meet a girl that you want to spend a long period of time with (and not just force her to have sex with you in the back of your Mom's old Mazda hatchback) you will know what to do and hopefully how to do it.In regards to the girl in your journalism class, you have several options here, but in any case, I assume that by the very mature way that you are referring to dating in general ("I want some advice to get into her pantaloons") that what you actually want is female companionship or perhaps a connection with this girl on a romantic level. You should proceed with this in a cautious but not overly so manner and you should not have the girl find out about your affections through another person or with some other gay tactic like people usually use in high school. I guess that a good rule is that you don't play dumb, immature games of any kind, such as:- telling her friend to tell her that you are interested in her - leaving a vague note for her to find that tells her that you like her but leaving it fairly unclear as to who you are - setting her yard on fireSimply walk up to her, preferably at a time when there aren't a shitload of other ugly teenagers sweating close by. Ask her if she would like to go out with you sometime or whether you could call her sometime. That's it. Simple as ground beef. Be real about it, though, don't be the krazy klass klown that you are and say something gay to her like, "HURRrrrr I forgot my phone number, can I have yours?" She might think you're a funny dude in Journalism class but no one wants to date Chris Farley and you don't want to feel pressured to make her laugh and act the cutup for the rest of the time you are together.If the girl says yes, then great, you're on your own from there to figure out what to invite her to do. If she says no, just move on and forget about it. No biggie smalls because it's not like you're in love with this girl or even know her from the tone of your letter.Good luck!

That guy is a shoo-in!

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