Moomoo

Moomoo, submitted by Merkin. I hope you have your beakers of sulfuric acid ready, folks, because you're going to need it to cleanse your eyeballs after visiting this site. It's got everything you could want from the internet - cornea-twisting backgrounds, blurry pictures, awful poetry, and plenty of those freaking annoying text trails that follow your mouse like retarded ducklings. Fortunately, since it's a Geocities site, it will crash before ninety percent of you ignore my warnings and try to check it out. When you get down to it, this site is just another needless personal page where a pubescent girl gets to point out who her friends are and write little inside jokes to them. Sure, posting inside jokes on a web page that can be viewed by anyone on the face of the planet who chooses to do so is bound to make you look like a raving idiot, but hey, why let that stop you? Sure, the photos page only contains one horrible picture, which makes me question the necessity of an entire page, but hey, that's alright. Of course, then there's the poetry. I don't know why all teenagers (especially those with Geocities websites) think that they can write utter crap and break it up with some randomly selected spacing and it will automatically become a beautiful poem.

Sometimes, you never know what to
think
Your heart is broken, but you can't
cry
All you are is shocked
You would have never thought
something like this would happen
The world is full of lies
All you could think about was
believing him, and never letting go
Sometimes, it's all an act
Sometimes, you were just too foolish
Now all you can think about is how
stupid you were
All you can think about whether or not
it's true
All you can think about was if it was
true all along, or just a big game
You'll never know the answer
It'll always be the same
Wondering, wondering, wondering
Wondering if it's real
Just wondering is all you could do
Sit alone while all your tears come
streaming down your face
Cry and wonder
Cry and wonder
That's all you can do
Cry and wonder...

Every poem on the site is like that. The same topic, the same form, the same lover's lament angsty garbage that undoubtedly leads to more English teacher suicide than any other cause. Here's a free tip to all the internet poet laureates out there: more is not better. The reason great poetry is great is because it expresses a sentiment as eloquently, if not moreso, than prose, but in less space. The poem above could be condensed thusly:

If you're sad
That's too bad.

There, much better! I also took the liberty of inserting rhythm. What I'm trying to get at is that the poetry on this site sucks. The thing that really separates the site from all the other whiny teenage girl pages out there is the insanely bad design. Every page has its own unique background that seems to be selected solely for its ability to inflict massive retinal damage. Each page, including every single poem, also comes with its own mouse trail. I hate those things. I hate them so very much. Check out the site if you have the stomach for it and it's miraculously still functioning (the site, not your stomach). Afterwards, or just instead, why not tell her what you think in her own guestbook? That's bound to entertain you briefly, and after all, isn't that what life is really about? The answer is no.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt