Samantha's Place in Heaven

Samantha's Place in Heaven, submitted by The Grim Reaper. Listen, I like pets as much as the next guy who doesn't grind up puppies for a living, but I think there is a certain line that should never be crossed, let alone raped by emotionally driven illogic. Pets put up with a lot of sappy bullshit, but do they really deserve a mind-numbingly banal and retarded web tribute when they die? If somebody pulled that crap with me I would haunt them until they committed suicide, then I would spend the rest of eternity reciting the opening credits to "The A-Team" in an effort to create my own poor man's version of Hell. Yes, everyone has their way of coping, and my way is to point at people and laugh because I'm an asshole. But even then, my Hell cannot compare to this site. This site is fundamentally sappy on a level that previously only existed in theory. There is more sap here than in a Canadian orgy, and I don't even know what that means. Looking at this site will immediately cause your eyes to glaze over with sap. Sap will ooze from every opening in your body. You will be caught in the slow, retarded floods as they take their time consuming you.

Seriously though, this site is quintessential "my pet died and this website shows how desperately purposeless I am." It features almost all the staples of a dead pet memorial, including:

Vertical design that goes on longer than a fall from the World Trade Center.

Hundreds of unnecessary graphics of angels, dogs, dogs with angel wings, flowers, and angel dogs with flowers.

Unnecessary JAVA applet that creates the illusion of an image reflecting on rippling water.

Annoying effect where tiny stars fall down the screen as if replicating some horrific scene from the book of Revelations.

Membership to five thousand webrings.

A wholesome variety of awards proving this site is a quality dead pet site. The awards come courtesy of other dead pet owners who took the time to make a crappy image with the word "award" on it and randomly declare other sites worthy of including it.

Bonus vote my dead pet memorial better than everybody else's dead pet memorial feature. The author of this site is really whoring for votes here. Did precious Samantha die in vain? Of course not, so make sure you vote for her and not other dead pets.

And all that on one single piece of HTML! I like the fact that I can play graphics heavy games on my computer without the slightest lag in performance, but I load up nearly any site about anybody's dead pet and my computer comes careening to a halt. The only thing this site lacks is the wonderful "right clicking disabled warning" script to molest you when you bump the right mouse button. There is still a right clicking prevention script on this site, though. Obviously to prevent heartless bandits from re-stealing all the precious animated gifs of heavenly dogs wagging their sparkling tails.

Fans of the written word can rejoice, there is also the usual inability to cope with death manifested in brutally pathetic poetry or notes written from the pet's point of view.

It's been one year since the angels came for me.
I will always look after my brothers.
Sean-Lei is almost 16 years old and Kodi is now 1 year old.
How I wish I could play with my brothers and mommy
and of course ... my toys!
When the time comes, I will be waiting for you
at the rainbow bridge with my tail wagging!

Personally, the mere concept of writing from your dead pet's point of view is kind of creepy to me, but then what do I know? I do know that there are tons of these sites, and while they only serve to further devalue the whole concept of faith in humanity to me, they are best left alone. So yes, children, do behave yourselves and not run amok on this site or it's stupid guestbook.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)