Dr. Richard Boylan's Official Web Site (Thanks, Justin!)

"The saga of Star Visitors' contacts with humankind is the greatest unpublished headline of the Millenium, and the most important missing fact in our history books." -- Dr. Richard Boylan

As extraterrestrial expert Nytemare_666 once pointed out, "like dogs, there are many different kinds of aliens." Dr. Richard Boylan, a California-based behavioral scientist, hypnotherapist and 'Star Visitor' connoisseur, explains the anatomical differences and anthropological customs of assorted alien cultures in lengthy single-spaced academic treatises. Here is a sample description: "The typical clothing of the Tall Whites is an aluminized, chalk-white jump suit of canvas-looking fabric. They also wear gloves of the same material, and an open, white, motorcycle-like helmet." Lengthy single-spaced academic treatises are difficult to mine for comedy, so I progressed directly to "drawings and photos depicting various kinds of star visitors," which presents an easy breakdown of the categories:

• Earth animals such as dolphins and praying mantises.
• Typical bumper-sticker aliens with humanoid frames and big eyes.
• Regular humans in jumpsuits.
• A Cenobite.
• "Light Energy Orb Consciousnesses."

Now you know what the Star Visitors look like, and maybe you even know a little bit about their spirituality and role in human development, if you're the "reading pseudo-scientific documents about aliens on the Internet" sort. If you'd like to learn "How to Do Outreach to the Star Visitors," Dr. Boylan has a few simple steps to follow.

Go to a secluded quiet place, engage in serene, open meditation, then, after a bit of meditation, proceed to respectful humble telepathic outreach, sending a message of invitation to contact, expressing loving intentions and respect. Send as much from your heart as from your mind.

You might not need to do any of that, though, because you could already have a Star Visitor in your own home! To find out for sure, consult Dr. Boylan's article (not presented in numbered-list format) "42 Signs That a Child May Be a Star Kid." Then take the 54-question Star Seed Identification Questionnaire for further confirmation off your offspring's extraterrestrial origin. Be prepared to measure the size of your child's bioelectromagnetic field with a dowsing rod!

– Andrew "Garbage Day" Miller