Corporate Buzzwords

Oxyclean

People who work at Subway are called "Sandwich Artists". I work at Subway, and the day someone calls me a Sandwich Artist is the day I put ten pounds of mayo and ten pounds of hot peppers on their sub.

Fuck what you want asshole, I'm the artist here.

Touretter

At my office we don't have a receptionist, we have a Director Of First Impressions.

Stuntcock

My all-time favourite was hearing a corporate-wide restaurant job title change from 'dishwashers' to 'D.M.O.s,' that is, 'Dishwashing Machine Operators.' Why? Because "Dishwasher" is offensive.' No, it's not. Minimum wage though? Might be.

Ceros_X

If you're an army recruiter you don't have a 'quota' - you either 'made mission' that month or your ass is getting sent back to Korea. I guess having Fortune 500 trainers teach people how to recruit results in a little Buzzword Ruboff.

skipdogg

Don't forget buzzword job titles.

Recently I just saw a "Manager of Enterprise Data Management" I myself while being what most would call a sys admin (mid level IT guy) am titled "Information Technology Systems Engineer"

I'm not a damn engineer. I manage some Windows servers and desktops.

The Cubelodyte

Jesus, I fucking hate "mission statements". I was a kitchen manager in a restaurant chain that suddenly decided it needed a mission statement. A fucking restaurant. What a waste of time and money. My opinion is that no competently-led organization needs a mission statement.

Grand Fromage

"Non-starter."

God damn it this doesn't mean anything. Stop it.

a computer

The other day my boss said 'we need to kill people with our service. We literally need to kill them' and then he had a big smile on his face and he nudged a female coworker of mine.

I don't know if kill is a buzzword or not, but the point is that my boss is a mental case.

Spastic Moose

On a related note, I hate medical buzzwords too. You see it in those commercials for a magic muscle building pill or dick enlargement or weight loss. About how their product is clinically proven in major university double-blind clinical trials, and how the Obesity Research Institute (which is of course owned by the company who makes the pill), has found that 78% of weight lost was PURE BODY FAT, while the fine print tells you that participants lost only 4 pounds.

zVxTeflon

"Lets touch base"

No. Fuck you.