Daily SWAT: "Doggy Island"

Zack: Avast, ye landlubbers! Today's costume will go great with a dram of rum to wash down a chewed up parrot!

Dr. Thorpe: This dog just looks so sad and crippled and beaten down by life. Not just in the way that all dogs of this breed look like that, either. I think it's how he's sitting.

Zack: You can imagine him looking sadly forward as some photo studio intern holds the dog's back legs up and the costume maker shoves the dog's legs into the pants.

Dr. Thorpe: He's just baaaarely propping himself up for one last photo before a lifetime of alcoholism and loneliness finally catches up to his used-up little dog heart.

Zack: In the description they advise purchasers to, "Doll up your pet, year-round!" I'm pretty sure more than one night a year of pirate costume and you're going to run afoul of the ASPCA.

Dr. Thorpe: His last wish was for a dignified death, but the sons of bitches even managed to take that away from him.

Zack: This is what a dog looks like after evening after evening of being milked for fun.

Dr. Thorpe: No, there's a cynical, outraged edge to this dog's grimace. This dog has been milked for profit.

Zack: Milked out of spite. Or revenge.

Dr. Thorpe: This dog costume was made in Thailand, where laws are lax and dog life and dog milk are cheap.

Zack: I always wondered why a Thai iced tea was creamy like that.

Dr. Thorpe: This place advertises a "wide selection of pet costumes for every occasion." EVERY occasion? Where's the dog costume for my wife's funeral, you son of a bitch?

Zack: There was a dog costume specifically for graduating third to last in your class in an automotive course at a technical school. Yes, it looked like a dog dressed as Yoda, but what did you expect?

Dr. Thorpe: Where's the dog costume for the tragic assassination of Robert Kennedy, you fucking barbarians? Where's your goddamn 9/11 dog costume?

Zack: Your fake outrage isn't selling me. You just haven't looked around the site enough. I saw a dog costume for Spock's funeral in Star Trek II.

Dr. Thorpe: Actually I am a little tiny bit real-outraged, but only the outrage that a non-crazy person feels when they see a dog dressed up in a costume.

Zack: Yeah, I'd like to see how the owner feels with a fake parrot on their head and getting milked for fun.

Zack: Come to think of it, I did see that. Max Hardcore does those videos.