Welcome to the biweekly love and advice column, "Backyard Love", where YOUR personal and private love questions are answered by some of the most talented backyard wrestlers in the industry! We study and hand-pick the top five backyard wrestlers twice a month and give them YOUR email questions! Feel free to ask them about anything in your love or private life, ranging from people you may have a crush on, to sexual dysfunctions that you fear may be slowly killing you!

Today's Backyard Love experts are:

NAME: "Badass" Shawn McCullum

RECORD / DIVISION: 15-2-1 (Southern Canadian Extreme All-Pro Backyard Wrestling Foundation)

TRADEMARK MOVE: "Starplex Piledriver" (picking up opponent, lifting them into the air, and then throwing them onto a pile of chairs and tables which have been laced with barbwire and lit on fire)

BACKGROUND: "Badass" Shawn McCullum was born and raised in one of the most toughest Southern Canadian gangs, the "Ottopegs." He learned to fight on the streets, often watching rival gangs like the Shriners and AOL Users Coalition of Canada, who regularly beat up his friends and fellow gang members. Eventually he was arrested for indecent exposure by the Toronto police, prompting him to change his ways and use his combat skills for the sake of Backyard Wrestling.

QUOTE: "The ladies love a man who's in charge and when I'm in the wrestling ring I'm in charge and my opponent is my lady. OWNED!!! LOLLLLLOLOLOLOL."

NAME: El Terror De Fuego

RECORD / DIVISION: 52-1-6 (El Paso Kickass Backyard Wrestling Coalition)

TRADEMARK MOVE: "Death Lunge" (picking up opponent, lifting them into the air, and then throwing chairs and tables at them which have been laced with barbwire and lit on fire)

BACKGROUND: El Terror De Fuego, who was cursed with Alzheimer's Disease since the age of 8, grew up in Tiajuana. When he was 12 he tried to escape and cross the border to the US. However, upon entering the States, he forgot why he ran across the border to begin with. He immediately ran back to his home, only to remember why he fled in the first place, causing him to turn around and run past the border once more. A few scant minutes after crossing the border, El Terror De Fuego forgot why he was running. This kept happening for the next six years, at which point he realized he had become very fast and powerful. Instead of trying out for the Olympics, El Terror De Fuego decided to become a backyard wrestler because he was attracted by the lure of "free used paint buckets."


NAME: Servants of Misery

RECORD / DIVISION: 12-8-4 (Jim's Bare Knuckles Wrasslin' Competition League)

TRADEMARK MOVE: "Satan's Buzzkiller" (picking up flaming chairs and tables, lifting them into the air, and then throwing them at their opponents)

BACKGROUND: After being repeatedly beat up by the "cool kids" at Kenningston High School, the Servants of Misery grouped together and formed a backyard wrestling tag-team. They began to become obsessed with the mystic "black arts", participating in such unholy and evil activities as "listening to Marilyn Manson CDs" and "wearing black socks." The Servants of Misery believe Satan gives them magical powers, allowing them to furiously grope their opponents and apply obscene amounts of white pancake makeup to their faces.

QUOTE: "Satan favors wrestlers who take lumps of coal and write random symbols and lines all over their faces."

NAME: MC Caucasian Ghost

RECORD / DIVISION: 6-32-1 (Central Wisconsin Hard Co' Brawlahz)

TRADEMARK MOVE: "Whitey Mighty" (picking up his opponent and flaming chairs / tables, lifting them all into the air, and then bashing them together)

BACKGROUND: MC Caucasian Ghost learned how to be "rough n' tumble" from watching various hardcore gangsters on MTV. As a result, this 14-year old powerhouse is slowly rising to the top of the backyard wrestling circuit by the ingenious method of "shooting his opponents in the skull with a gun he stole from his dad's vintage WWII handgun collection." Unfortunately he still hasn't seen a rap video that explicitly demonstrates how to reload the gun, so the number of his victories has been limited to the six bullets the revolver originally held.

QUOTE: "Suckahs bettah step off else I think bout bustin a cap in yo jive ass, yeeeeeaaah."

NAME: Geoff "Skeleton Spanks" Krakes

RECORD / DIVISION: 3-25-8 (West Erie "Unleashed" Circuit)

TRADEMARK MOVE: "The Underspanker" (throwing opponent over knee, spanking him three times while yelling "NO REST FOR THE WICKED!" each time, followed by simulated anal rape at the hands of a rocking chair )

BACKGROUND: Geoff "Skeleton Spanks" Krakes is a Rochester, NY native that likes to leave the ring with the warm fuzzy feeling of knowing that his fallen foe probably won't be able to sit for a few days. While other wrestlers attack their opponent's legs, elbows, and eyes, Skeleton Spanks goes right for the ass. Using a combination of backhanded and front-side spanking (combined with the occasional "ass kickin"), Skeleton Spanks attempts to weaken the flesh in his victim's backside before going in for the kill with his patented "The Underspanker" finishing move. Unfortunately his homophobic opponents who wear tights and prance about like square dancers do not always appreciate Krakes and his "attack from the rear" strategies. He's been hospitalized for the last few months following a four-story tumble off the top of Buffalo's highest Dairy Queen, courtesy of a former opponent who apparently didn't care too much for Geoff's unorthodox style. When he's not wrestling, Geoff teaches fourth grade at Erie Elementary school.

QUOTE: "Fist in the air and eyes of undead! I'm going to smack your buttocks until they're all red!"

Now that today's experts have been introduced, onto the questions!

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful