Chapter Four - The Defeat of Skullulon by Darestrong StormheartThe medic tried to save him, but it was too late.The sounds of battle resounded throughout the valley, echoing from the steep canyon walls and reverberating in the marrow of Darestrong and his companions. The dwarf army was meeting the undead advance head on, but everyone knew they could not hold out for long. Darestrong crouched behind a tent, wondering briefly why an army composed mostly of skeletons and rotting corpses needed tents to begin with. He hefted his axe and rounded the corner, chopping a skeleton in half at the spine.
It lay on the ground horribly moaning for its mother to save it. Darestrong and Sexina advanced past the dying undead skeleton with Trueshot defending their rear. They were long gone when the skeleton medic reached Private Skullcrush.
“It’ll be alright son,” said the medic, knowing that the skeleton didn’t have a prayer. He pulled the pelvis and leg bones of the dying soldier back to the spinal column and began trying to tie them together with twine.
“I can’t feel my legs doc,” said Skullcrush, his teeth chattering. “Give my mama this letter.”
The skeleton reached into its ribcage with shaking digits and retrieved a note that it had secured to the underside of its ribs.
“Give it to her yourself when you get home private,” replied the doctor, working frantically with the twine.
It was too late, he was already gone. Another unlife lost in a chess game for the officers in their command tents, just models on a map that Von Skeletopolis’s wife had made.
“Daaaaaaammmmn yooooouuuu Skulllllulllllllooonnn!” Screamed the medic to no one in particular.Darestrong's axe swing decapitates Skullulon.Meanwhile, outside Skullulon’s command tent, Darestrong dispatched the last of Skullulon’s elite guard with a swipe of his axe that turned it into crypt dust. Sexina charged another lightning blast to hurl into the tent, but Trueshot stopped her.
“He’s mine,” he said, rushing into the tent with his gay little golden elf sword drawn.
“Nooo!” Cried Darestrong, but not quickly enough. With a roar Trueshot’s mangled corpse was thrown out of the tent by the mighty Skullulon.
“So you’ve come once again foolish mortal,” said Skullulon, hefting his giant glowing magic sword in front of him. “You never learn your lesson, do you?”
“What lesson?” retorted Darestrong. “I’ve defeated you the last five times you tried to conquer the Forgotten Worlds.”
“Four,” hissed Skullulon. “The last time I had to cancel because of an error in the shipping software that got overlooked by the IT people. I would have beaten you that time if it weren’t for that.”
“You’re going to wish there was a shipping error this time too!” Darestrong lunged forward with his axe, but Skullulon countered.
Totally awesome magical energy was crackling off the locked weapons big time!
Sexina tried to fire a spell at Skullulon but just as it was leaving her fingertips a pair of skeleton soldiers attacked her, causing the lightning blast to go wild and hit a skeleton nurse working in the aid station. Skullulon pulled his blade back and swung it at Darestrong, the enchanted weapon screaming through the air towards his skull.
Darestrong sidestepped and with all his strength swung his axe, lopping off Skullulon’s head.
“Say hello to another thousand years of torpor jerk,” laughed Darestrong. “Your war is over.”
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.