~*~ The Goon Doctor ~*~
I got this gnarly gash on my leg and it's throbbing and now my head is all swollen up and I look like the redhead dude from that movie Mask. Should I seek medical attention?

Why does my girlfriend have a purple nose? - guttervoice's lady friend (pictured above) has quite the funny-looking schnozz all of a sudden, but the replies seem to indicate that it's nothing more than poor circulation. I smell a thread filled with answers!

I accidentally stabbed my hand - It appears that Keevon's right hand DOES know what the left hand is doing, and now his south paw has felt the wrath of a jealous appendage.

Chest pains when drinking alcohol... - Devilish_17 suffers an achy reaction to booze and his doctors have told him to simply quit drinking. However, he replies "but i think they`re just lazy and incompetent." So, having heard enough from those quacks, he asks for help from a considerably more knowledgeable source: the Internet.

Amnesia in the morning? - PickleBunny doesn't remember what he has done in the first ten minutes after he's woken up. The Goon Doctor is here to help him fix that memory, and they might also be able to tell him why those boxes of cereal keep getting emptier.

~*~ The Book Barn ~*~
Reppin': Mr. SM Holocaust
You may be interested to know that people other than social mutants regularly read books.
There are probably only like 4 of them out there, but they do exist.

'Sup fellow Snowcrash enthusiasts. In between reading Snowcrash, suggesting it to others and discussing it we sometimes forget that there are other books out there that may be less Snowcrashtastic. These other non-Snowcrash related books have their uses like fulfilling our society's overwhelming folkloric need for teenage wizards, magical owls and books where the unpopular guy gets discovered and rises to the occasion to defeat things with a big sword and gets the girl. CYBERPUNK!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows release thread - Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows is arguably the greatest portrayal of good triumphing over evil in a children's series since the Catholics and Mormons of Adenville joined forces against the Jewish storekeeper in J.D. Fitzergerald's The Great Brain series. Due to some difficult passages in the penultimate chapter of Judy Blume's excellent tale Superfudge, I find myself unable to delve into this tour de force of children's literature but rest assured that once I get my copy I am going to ride this motherfucking thread like Rommel rode the 2nd New Zealand at Sidi Rezegh. To the credit of Something Awful Goons and the Book Barn moderators, it would be tough to find a more civil, engaging or interesting discussion of the book online whether you're a casual fan or you're sitting there rubbing your crotch against your homemade Daniel Radcliffe body pillow. ARTICLEUS FORWARDUS

Once again, look on ye' mighty and be awed at this (so far) 23 page thread with close to 1000 posts that will know no end as people discuss the popular series with a depth that even Dave Mustaine would find difficult to whammy dive to without proper equipment. Any and all theories go in this battle royale of dissection and interpretation as readers go back and pull out the minutiae of the entire series that would frighten their grade school teachers.

Stunning truths revealed by goons (WARNING PROCEED ONLY IF YOU WANT YOUR MIND BLOWN):

Say hello to my little friend:
"Also, what would a wizard do if someone shot them? I realize this wasn't explored in the books but I assume they'd just die if they weren't expecting it. If so, other than reasons of pride, why didn't any character use a gun?"

Harry's father a latent homosexual?
"I mean think about it. Why turn into a stag? Ooooh a deer. I'm so frightened. I mean, Wormtail chose the stealth form, Sirius chose the combat form, and James chose the one that prances."
(feel free to not PM me with your theory on this)

Don't do it! You have so much to live for… like fanfic and the onslaught of Harry Potter manga:
"Well, I just finished the book and post-Potter depression has set in. This is it. The story is over."

Delve into the economics of wand making:
"My guess would be cost. I doubt any of the core components mentioned in the books come cheaply. Then you've got costs for the rest of the materials, skilled labor (given that Ollivander seems to be one of the only wandmakers in all of wizarding Britain, and the only one most people go to, I imagine it's a rather difficult trade), the usual overhead involved in running any shop, and exclusivity (again, since there seem to be few wandmakers in the world) to factor in. Because of all those factors, I'd imagine each wand costs a pretty penny.

Special thanks and apologies to forum members Dren, Terensque, Anal Surgery and Chizad

Kurt Vonnegut: Guidance Please! - Next to Hunter S. Thompson, perhaps no modern writer is responsible for inspiring more terrible writing than Kurt Vonnegut. Douglas Copeland was a definite contender for a while there, but it turned out that Gen-Xers only ironically made him a best selling author as a giant inside joke on the future and no one actually read any of his books except for people who went on to write for Wired.

Given that Vonnegut's writing style ranges from the tried and true linear to "what the fuck is this shit?" one goon thought it best to survey the forum for his next step after dipping his toes in the stream of absurdity that is Vonnegut's world. You can't fault him since even the most die-hard English major winces at passages like the one where a post-Armageddon human race is rebuilt on the QT when a woman transfers semen from her vagina to several other women using her finger as an applicator.

Said the original poster after he admitted being disappointed by his second read, "So, my question is this: Am I just not cut out to be a Vonnegut fan or are there books that I would enjoy that are dissimilar to Breakfast of Champions?"

So what do you suggest, casual reader of SomethingAwful? Are you fan of his solid storytelling he exhibited in Player Piano before he came under the influence of the Beats, do you enjoy his earlier experimental works or do you prefer his shorter stories? Drop by and talk up your favorite book and help turn a three brown, winking *** out of five thread into a solid *****.

ARE YOU READY FOR SOM' REEEEEDIN'? Summer Reading Book-A-Week Challenge! - Are you the type of owns a TV "only for the news" and tells haggard bookstore employees, "I could never work here, I'd READ all the time!" Then hop on board and get ready to substitute quantity for quality with the Book Barn's Book Challenge. The gauntlet has been thrown down to read a book a week and goons have stepped up with their lists of books they will devour this summer! Some set the bar low by pledging to read a few inches of Stephen King books but others set out to be titans of the classics by wading through a foot or so of Russian books of alienation, staring at acres of snow and more alienation. Did the detective know that Raskalnikov did it the entire time, does Roland find the Dark Tower, does Troy ever fall and does Napoleon capture Moscow? Ask these guys at the end of 15 weeks or steal from their lists and challenge yourself to read a book a week.

The Dark Tower - Did you know there are seven books in this series? SEVEN. Digest that bit of knowledge before you delve into this unexpectedly thorough discussion of The Master of Horror's rushed attempt at tying together his universe after his Turtle-less, near-death by the grill of earthly, canny and of-this-world American-made machinery. Presumably he was able to draw on the magic of childhood innocence to regenerate his shattered soul or else this thread might have been a exercise in "what if" that would no doubt involve AK-47s and the South winning the Civil War. Goon consensus seems to be that the series should of been his ultimate expression of his mixed horror/fantasy genre but flames out like a Nascar racer pinwheeling into the stands at around the fourth, fifth, sixth, third, second, first or seventh book. Where did it go wrong for you and how could have King have helped you regain your lost innocence and the magic of childhood?

Weigh in and let us know!

Bukowski- where to start? - You've heard of "Goon Justice"? Witness the start of GOON SYNERGY!
Hit up Book Barn for guidance of where to start in the collections of famed author Charles Bukowski. Then it's off to Ask/Tell to find out WHERE you should be seen reading Bukowski before hitting up PYF to find out which edition has most prominent cover that someone (a girl) can see across the cafe.

Practice it with me, "This? Yeah, every now and then I pick up some Chuck and leaf through it. I am unwinding after reading some Proust in the original French/Chaucer in the original Middle English/the Bible in the original Klingon so I thought I'd come down here and be around people... want to come see my library?"

Wait, did you hit up the "how to pick up girls" Ask/Tell thread to learn how to "close the deal"?

Like a cradle-to-grave socialist system, the SA Forums have all the answers.

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